what is.
headphone tourist.
wear it tight
the art of subversion
- TREOS
the earth is not a cold dead place - explosions in the sky
abandoned - when curtains fall
kiss distinctly american - q and not u
lipstick stigmata - elliott
words.
siddhartha - hermann hesse
this time - gerald stern
the stats .
arent
you ?
hey kids. if you havent caught on-
ELISE
has moved to a new livejournal.
so add her if your heart desires. hers sure does!
enough talking in the third person, go there for an updated view of my life.
lovelise.
ripped off by their new boss
so today was a long but good day. got through all the classes i work my ass off for but still end up forgetting something...my plate is even more overflowing this year than last year. ah well, tough cookies
walked downtown with knox to get sandwiches and made it back in time for rehearsal which i didnt need to go to...so sean and i walked around down the loop road and he picked me a cattail(!!! did you know that if you hold them over a fire they explode? yeah. neither did i) and found this pretty little trail that went in sixthousand directions and eventually found the field hockey field...as well as tailgaters grilling and wearing metallic green mullet wigs and face paint and playing loud obnoxious music. so apparently nic and jb and dj and etc etc all tailgate at all the field hockey games because theres no fans. what a kickass idea
so nic snuck me a roll (shh!) and they were nice enough to give us sodas and we chilled and watched the game for a bit, and it was heavenly.
i love the smell of barbecue even though i dont eat it. it felt sort of like summer was throwing one last punch and it was warm and the sky was clear and absolutely gorgeous.
sean walked me back because i had to be at lindas @5 so we hurried a bit. passed the medfield team (medway? i dont know) that our soccer team owned. and they all glared at sean because he had a girls field hockey jersey on and there were two massive bulges of fabric where boobs are supposed to be. i love that kid
it felt like the end of the week today...i'm just that tired. i had a dream where the screw in my ankle poked out and my foot fell off. and it was really really upsetting and my ankle hurt all of today and i think it was PURELY PSYCHOLOGICAL
for once people have come to me with plans for my weekend...sorry kiddos but theres only 4 days of weekend. (i know, only four ???) so i'll be going off for pizza with sean/ben friday...mall w/james/lyndsey/abe saturday? off in western mass OR getting jim hot new duds on newbury street sunday...monday jamming with aleks and doing the massive 4 days of work crazy honors/AP teachers assign. jesus
how did i manage to fill four days
no wait let me reword...how did they manage to fill four days?
wednesday = happy tierneys BIRTHDAY = lit mag meeting = watching swingtime with ginger rogers and fred astaire = eating cake.
but dont tell her
actually do tell her
especially the happy birthday part
...but on wednesday
mmkay i'm done
night
ripped off by their new boss
so today was a long but good day. got through all the classes i work my ass off for but still end up forgetting something...my plate is even more overflowing this year than last year. ah well, tough cookies
walked downtown with knox to get sandwiches and made it back in time for rehearsal which i didnt need to go to...so sean and i walked around down the loop road and he picked me a cattail(!!! did you know that if you hold them over a fire they explode? yeah. neither did i) and found this pretty little trail that went in sixthousand directions and eventually found the field hockey field...as well as tailgaters grilling and wearing metallic green mullet wigs and face paint and playing loud obnoxious music. so apparently nic and jb and dj and etc etc all tailgate at all the field hockey games because theres no fans. what a kickass idea
so nic snuck me a roll (shh!) and they were nice enough to give us sodas and we chilled and watched the game for a bit, and it was heavenly. i love the smell of barbecue even though i dont eat it.
it felt sort of like summer was throwing one last punch and it was warm and the sky was clear and absolutely gorgeous.
sean walked me back because i had to be at lindas @5 so we hurried a bit. passed the medfield team (medway? i dont know) that our soccer team owned. and they all glared at sean because he had a girls field hockey jersey on and there were two massive bulges of fabric where boobs are supposed to be. i love that kid
it felt like the end of the week today...i'm just that tired. i had a dream where the screw in my ankle poked out and my foot fell off. and it was really really upsetting and my ankle hurt all of today and i think it was PURELY PSYCHOLOGICAL
for once people have come to me with plans for my weekend...sorry kiddos but theres only 4 days of weekend. (i know, only four ???) so i'll be going off for pizza with sean/ben friday...mall w/james/lyndsey/abe saturday? off in western mass OR getting jim hot new duds sunday...monday jamming with aleks and doing the massive 4 days of work crazy honors/AP teachers assign. jesus
how did i manage to fill four days
no wait let me reword...how did they manage to fill four days?
wednesday = happy tierneys BIRTHDAY = lit mag meeting = watching swingtime with ginger rogers and fred astaire = eating cake.
but dont tell her
actually do tell her
especially the happy birthday part...but on wednesday
mmkay i'm done
night
the last few hours
i was thinking about time, today, as it was my brothers 18th birthday. and i was thinking of what would make my life worthwhile, what would make it a success.
all of the time we get pressured with these strange and unrealistic and sometimes ridiculous ideas of success...that we need to be successful, that we should be successful quickly, that we should make lots of money, that we should try and live forever, get a fixed rate mortgage, get married, never be tied down, have a smaller waist, bigger breasts, bigger dick, perfect skin, no wrinkles, smoke cubans wait till marriage have fun get straight As get into an ivy league white teeth enjoy youth work from home drive a sports car preserve the environment be economical shop at all the finest stores eat healthfully consume big macs with no buns be a well rounded individual be angsty because its cool fight the media conform to the media protect our rights kill for our rights hand over our rights be pleasant all the time improve libido
be success
you should be pure success
and if you arent
fix yourself
well you know what
i guarantee you that if you see someone from across a busy street or a supermarket aisle
and you mouth/motion the skinnamarink-y-dinky-dink,-skinnamarink-y-do,-i,-love,-you song, (you know the one) they'll smile
and thats all i have to say about my day
walking into a house of miraculous recovery i talked to the king of everything
i had a lovely day today...lot of cleaning, lot of music-reorganization, went off to the mall with lovely katie to go shopping for the first time in the longest, longest time. got my brother his present(s) got pretty things (i never get pretty things that are pretty for the sake of being pretty in the sense of adorning yourself, my goodness i had the chance to be a stupid girl) and pizza and pictures in a booth and silly kissing mints. katie makes me happy...what a kick-butt person. we talked about my schoolgirl crush on you-know and acted like teenagers and dropped the whole academia thing to be replaced with laughing about men's shoe size and prom.
jesus christ.
so i spent all of my money and then some... on things i'll never need with the exception of my origami paper.not that i need that
do you remember those awesome gear-shaped plastic pieces that you stuck in this notched frame and spun around with a pen in a hole and they made spiraly designs? i think they were called spirographs
nonetheless i bought one shaped like a rabbit and now everything in my room is covered with spirals
it began to rain when we were driving home and its putting me to sleep
everyone gets very shut down around 7:30 when theyre still at a job on a saturday night... many unpleasant half asleep people working halfassed talking halfassed existing halfassed.
on a lighter note
boi x wunder: its nice to know that ppl are looking to explore their personal faith
he11oe1ise: indeed
he11oe1ise: well said
boi x wunder: of course its well said, im god
he11oe1ise: haha
he11oe1ise: good to know, thanks
he11oe1ise: i go to your house every sunday
boi x wunder: it isnt really mine, just one of my many rental properties
boi x wunder: im a rich man
he11oe1ise: ah, i see
boi x wunder: okay enough of that, i really dont want to go to hell
aleks makes me smile
yesterday i learned to salsa as a part of my education
so things have been a bit hectic and oh-my-god-its-tomorrow-already
i've decided to test out LJ to see how it is (i know! blasphemy!) as i've already been on blogger since the seventh grade...
so its october now and all the trees are rebelling and staying green against the far-too-quick passing of time.
wednesday caitlin and i continued our movie wednesday traditions- saw the forgotten, was surprisingly scary (or maybe i just thought i was braver than i actually was) and we got laughed at by the entire theater for screaming like the little girls we are.then, we get in the car to go home, and on comes the radio...famed extraterrestrial scientist/psychologist dies from being hit by a car. and theyve got all of this eerie nostalgic sci-fi music playing. jesus.
i ended up buying over $50 of cds as always; i really need to take an inventory of what i have, its overtaking my room.
i finally fell asleep after talking with friends and getting distracted with less frightening frivolity.
thurdsay was a normal thursday...by the way i really hate school pictures especially on mondays after algebra
i kind of drifted through the week not really absorbing anything and i saw the most beautiful boy who looks all willowy and not-there and tries very hard to be invisible and succeeds well...i had never seen him before even though hes been going to our school system for years... i find that fascinating how someone can become so intentionally generic.
friday finn drove caitlin em and i home...scared the hell out of em
i walked down to ronnies way over-bundled for the cold walk home- we just hung out in his basement and listened to 80s music, then 90s music, then music of today...and it was tons of fun. sometimes its eerie how similarly we think and how bad our good taste in music is
he made me close my eyes and i was all nervous he was going to scare me or whatnot- but when he told me to open them the lights were off and he had one of those globes that lights up and creates a night sky on the celing. it was absolutely amazing
lots of silliness about perfumes and pheromones-
ended up getting driven home and staying up till 1and sleeping extremely late today.
everything is improving...mandy is happy, emily is hopefully beginning to get happy, same with caitlin....and the rest of them...i always feel bad when they ask me for help and all i can do is listen. i suppose things dont always work out
anyway the weather has been brilliant and it coordinates nicely with how my days are going;
worrell made my negatives a contact sheet for the demo, which was awesome; most of the photos came out well, except for one massive black box and a couple when i had the depth of field sort of...crazy
things are lovely...hoping desperately that we can make it to the q and not u concert wednesday; have to.
jesus christ i have to
nonetheless its october now
happy october
tomorrow is my brother's big 1-8. crazy. i feel so young; its nice to have so much time
you dont know no better, neither do we
so great i've woken up and have a massive black and blue cheek from the pit.
and tomorrow are school pictures
hoo flipping rah
took another walk today to straighten some things out in my head
hours and hours and hours and hours
saw sean r. at the cafe today which was nice, i might be working there soon if all goes well
saw photographer bob there as well and he was like WHY DIDNT YOU TAKE PICTURES AT THE CONCERT
i really shouldve
man i have so much work to do
and its such a beautiful day
and i feel like my senses are going to punch me in the face from so many everythings being so overwhelming
prepare yourself
absolutely brilliant nights and days- after friday finally allowed itself to end there was play practice, aleks visited, a potato...finn caitlin gen and i went to pick up jon- we drove caitlin home, they dropped me and jon at the intersection for the photos-
drove him home, got home, got a call from ronnie, walked to ronnies house, watched "ronica" (hah!) and the rest of donnie darko, and talked and hung about.
got home, slept till late...woke up to a beautiful day, walked my 9 mile loop, came home and made some calls- took a shower, got ready, picked up caitlin and matt and drove to framingham for the show-
absolutely outstanding show, the cadence, a loss for words, TREOS, when curtains fall, faraway and others...i still hold with that theyre better live, all of them-
great people, though i sort of got beat up a lot towards the end- amazing music and colored lights and building that smelled like old... aleks put out a lot of effort to keep caitlin and i from getting trampled...hes a great guy
played piano a bit, aleks sang with TREOS a bit which was amazing, and they played a great set...what am i saying all of them did
it was a great time, we saw finn gen bri adam s. jb janine jeff tim cassie anthony
and we had our own hopkinton corner
jammed on out of tune piano with guy i dont know named kaydence (i probably spelled that massively wrong)
"this is better than the concert!"
"you've got an entourage"
met lots of really interesting and awesome people like molly and a guy named tiny and the singer from a loss for words that i still dont know the name of that thought he smelled bad, and i finally re-met spiderman and he quasi-remembered me from natick, and blah blah people blah etc
it was a great night though- so much brilliant music, though a lot of sweat and movement and...sensory overload
right now matt and i are jamming jazz over the internet-
i got a ton of...things
pins stickers tee shirts demos etc
a lot of it was free
crazy.
my head is pounding because i got way too many appendages in the face-
and because i was listening to crazy loud music all night
twas beautiful though
absolutely beautiful. i feel really lovely right now
really perfect
the lead singer from a loss for words was so nice...in fact everyone there was nice.
and i want to be in a band
really really bad
i should call aleks
i'm really upset because i was just checking the middle east lineup and explosions in the sky and q and not u and planes mistaken for stars and mouse on mars and massive amounts of my favorite bands are playing in the next few months
only its in cambridge, at night, and most are 18+ so its a longshot and i'm sad.
and i have to work all tomorrow.
who says i give up on my honors and AP classes and crazy extracurriculars and "excelling" and go play music and listen to music and write and take photos all the time.
that and boogie
i'm going to go shower because i swear to god i probably contracted 6000 diseases from people slamming into me tonight
still though...
wow how great
a beautiful breath of fresh air
my days were a blur of brightly colored hair, meadows, lunches of nothing and clear skies.
wednesday evening...caitlin ronnie and i drove off to my house, hung about in my room, played my keytar...talked about things...drove off to ronnies, hung in his room, called ben's father (???) and went off to bellingham, went to chilis where we got martinis and things and spent all our money on french fries and chicken fingers i obviously couldnt eat...went to shop for cds, dance about, meet random man who had the loveliest grin and liked my fair lady (we invited him to the performance! he wrote my name on his hand.) and saw singer from special fredd, who we talked to for a bit- i got some information on a gig on the 30th, written on a scrap of schedule...him and his friends were doing handstands for quarters, seeing as they had spent all their money on cigarettes and needed to develop a roll of film. what lovely guys, ronnie was scared. scene kids
saw cellular, (was surprisingly good) explored the theater and found a staircase to nowhere...enjoyed the night and how beautiful it was
friday night finn sarah ben b. and i drove off...in his fathers little sporty auto. off into the crazy scary dark sky that looked so foreboding it wasnt even funny...drove for an hour and a half, finally got into springfield, and smelled gasoline and cotton candy. finally we saw spotlights and got ripped off for parking, and walked into the big E.
overwhelming amounts of brightly colored lights...rode the ferris wheel and saw the tiny dancing spotlights like they were lightning bugs. it was a beautiful night. after getting down we saw kayla/janine/tim/erica/caitlin/jeff (i must admit i saw jeff's mohawk first) and talked to them for a bit...went on the swings with ben, lots of whirling...beautiful interesting people, scents of sugar and impending fall and carnival machinery. insane mix
we walked around aimlessly, bought candy apples, whirl ice cream, watched horses trot in circles and a mardi gras parade...
i felt really enthusiastic about being alive
some man waved to me and ben, and ben couldnt remember his name...we walked behind him for the longest time, ben trying to remember who he was, when he turned around...it wasnt his face...
but the name was gideon, as he remembered too late.
we sat on a bench and thought about berlin
we walked back to the car, drove around guessing...caught in traffic, worst part of MA...
random club opening didnt help things
we drove through the city beautiful as it was, kept on thinking we recognized things from the drive in
maybe 45 minutes passed, when we decided to stop and ask how to get onto the mass pike
saw a AAA, it was closed, saw a security guy, asked him...he had...really long fingernails and was really scary...
none of us actually absorbed any of the directions he gave us
we drove off and then realized we still had no idea where we were going...
eventually we found a gas station, surrounded by scary folk...tall ghostly white man dressed in all black stalking around, man with trenchcoat wooshing around on a scooter so it looked like he was floating..
we walked in the station and the register lady was covered by a wall of bulletproof...
asked how to get to boston, strange man with unintelligible accent said "hahahaha. take boston road and drive to boston!" and then he proceded to announce ben's emergence from the bathroom and introduce himself and shake his hand while ben looked thoroughly...shaken.
we eventually got onto the mass pike and celebrated massively, even though finn's clutch was dying and smelling horrid...
we began to laugh at nothing for long periods of time, so we decided it was time to get finn a coffee..stopped at my favorite rest stop, and drifted off again (saw its identical twin...) arrived home at midnight, after leaving at 9:30...
freebird came on and we waved our lighters even though the window kept blowing them out, and i fell in and out of sleep till i was dumped back at my house. to fall asleep full of sweet dreams.
i woke up saturday morning to torrential downpours washing my roof and dripping down my windowsills...i thought of ben and was happy he didnt have to go to crazy practices early in the morning.
sitting around in sweats and baggy things i caught up on reading, thinking, living-
talked a bit with ronnie, he convinced me to go to the dance, that he would teach me to dance in front of others...i gave in, went over to his house, hung about while drunks mulled about downstairs, we watched a bit of donnie darko in his lovely room, and had the most brilliant discussion...about the limits of forever and how much we are worth, and what we do and do not sense. hes a beautiful guy, and it was nice to have that sort of conversation with someone- pushing the limits of what used to ruin my days full of existentialism but what he viewed as something beautiful, how he refused to get depressed about it because "life is just so wonderful". I felt content like i'd emptied myself. It was lovely...we walked downstairs, outside, and drove off to the school dance where we proceeded to dance like raving lunatics and where i met the boy i had a massive schoolgirl crush on in 2nd grade. and now he's all scene. butterfly effect i swear
i had a great time, for once- a lot of fun. i know such beautiful people and sometimes tongue-in-cheek dancing is good for you.
i am full of how alive i am.
today was a vividly blue skied day, clear and clean- i went for my little 9 mile loop walk early this morning...thought things through and felt healthy.
i got back, took a quick shower, bundled up and went off to the varsity soccer picnic...it was a nice day to pretend to socialize and really just look around at fall beginning to crawl up into my skin and the trees and the air and the ground. i love this time of year, so much- you cannot help but be invincible.
sometimes i just sit and look at something, at every little tiny detail. everything is so complex, i could never get bored.
i've finally gotten rid of my final inhibitions and realized who i am right now, understanding that it might change- it feels almost ridiculously free, like it was so easy.
life is absolutely stellar
"Love! Romance! On a stick!"
I truly have had the most amazing few days and quite frankly i am so explosive with love it is hard to contain my sickly sweetnesses. But I'll try. Actually no i wont.
The sixth was em's birthday shindig- lovely em rachel tierney megan curran chris a. andrew k. matt and jeff s. were there and this was the best picture we got. beautiful. ha
we played faux-volleyball, layed around in the sun and talked about growing up among other things. The air was crisp and beautiful and it was a day full of lovely free-feeling (even though I had to leave at 5 to finish my work at home.) twas lovely.
Tuesday quite honestly I dont remember at all, except that it took a very, very long time...but after school caitlin and I went to the tech room for me to sing in front of someone for the first time in my entire life. (phew.) and she helped me out, to prepare for auditions the next day. Go amazing caitlin for being...amazing.
Wednesday I still dont remember, mostly because all I thought about all day was auditions. Auditions took place after school, and i was #17. And I was also very nervous and without a lot of necessary skill but i SANG, and i sang build me up buttercup, and i didnt freak out, and it was okay.
another first done
and i think that was the day it poured and ronnie danced in the rain and got my mom's car soaked. and we ate a lot of candy bars and it was grand
so i didnt think i did very well because i cant really sing, and next day was readthroughs for main characters, and finn drove me home with the 3 dollars of gas gen gave him but first me sarah him and gen went to his house so he could change because he was having a stupid pants day (you know those? when you wear clothes that arent quite right and you feel like crap the whole day because of it and just cant wait to get home) and we made him a screen name that we arent allowed to tell anyone and he came down with a shirt covered in primary color handprints of kids and on the back it said UNCLE ALEX in huge letters and HAPPY CHANUKAH and it was really happy and made me smile. we went to cumbys and got nonfood that we ate and then i was dropped off and hung about my house and enjoyed having control of my life and not letting my life beat the shit out of me like it did last year.
the next day i checked the callback list and bang! i was called back for a maid. so kurdi had us sing scales a note higher at a time till we simply couldnt sing any higher to check our range. i surprised myself...everyone surprised myself. christ we can sing high.
then we watched everyone else sing and dance and act for main parts while we sat waiting because kurdi told us to wait only it turned out we didnt need to. ah well. what a kick butt guy, though. very perpetually pleasant
we ate cassie's cookies that she so kindly brought for everyone and i talked with janine and em and mandy and lovelies. everyone did splendid in auditions...we have such talent in our school. sometimes i just sit and think full of awe at what some of my peers are capable of. its beautiful
after callbacks i rushed home got dressed in "business casual" (haha) and went off to rachels to save her from crazy parents business party. we directed cars and peter stopped by and almost ran me over because he was about to go taunt jason at the spoon but was wondering why we were standing by the street in skirts. the sun went down and businessmen and women tried to loosen up and joke, and it was very silly. we made pasta in the microwave only it ended up spurting green foam. we also had tipsy tiramisu full of wine, thought it was disgusting, ate lots of pineapple, ate dinner in the treehouse, did bad cartwheels, looked at stars, sang "leaving on a jet plane" despite not knowing most of the words outside of the title, watched bad TV, saw jason (!!! crazy college boy. tried to scare me, pshh. i'm going to miss that kid) and the party in general was really fun and full of yummy things. and funny business people. and perfect cushiony grass.
the next morning my mom woke me up by saying YOU NEED TO CLEAN THE BATHROOM and my response was mrmgghhhh and shes like oh and your party is today so you need to work on that too and my response was ...mghh
and then i got up and cleaned the bathroom and went and bought tons of food and a cake that grew a bubble which was really weird and set up christmas lights for outside and cleaned my room for soni and got all my cds and the stereo set and went to stupid sandwich store that took over 45 minutes to make a caesar wrap and wanted to make me explode but its okay and as soon as everything was (mostly) ready my first guest arrived! yay for rachel! and then janine then caitlin and then sonia and i forget the order after that but bunches of people came- ben b, jeff n, finn, sarah, aleks, aitken, andrew, matt, katie, emily, jen, tierney...it was fantastic and i feel so so lucky and blessed to know such amazingly beautiful people- i dont care how stupid or cliche it is but you all make my world. all the time.
i never knew i could feel so happy and full of something good- its a comforting thought and a reassuring thought to know that there are people as full of love as you are. and i never thought i was capable of realizing that.
we played stupidvolleyball with a kickball from chris' car (???) and with balloons, aleks cleared up our theory 7ths problem which was great, (and also played beautiful music) we danced and boogied and made fun of ourselves to a huge range of music which floated together perfectly- lovely jeff knows every word it seems of aeroplane over the sea
dancing to marvin gaye's "lets get it on" really badly, the white man shuffle. yay for beautiful nights
we looked at stars and there were lots of twinkly lights and tiki torches and crazy beautiful presents ("its a butt!") like bath crayons and music and letter long cards and a microwaveable stuffed animal duck and there was a stupid crazy present (rubber!)(????). and of course to really up the sap factor the real gift was having such amazing people come to my house for an amazing night. we spun and danced and ate and drank and swung and made me explode with everything good. janine and jeff wanted to take a christmas card picture (janine's bright red hair and jeff's bright green mohawk with a backdrop of christmas lights = ....too amazing for words) but sadly we forgot. in the end it was a fantastic party summed up with a sigh and collapsing into bed. the last few guests trickled off as they called their parents who had fallen asleep or drove away in their cars and left me to clean up the brightly colored mess that would surface in the morning. sonia and i went upstairs, talked for hours, realized we were dead, and fell asleep. its so difficult to put such a bunch of complex events like a party into words.
in the morning we woke to the smell of blueberry sweet pancakes and the sound of a mayfly being lost in the expanse of my cathedral ceiling. we walked sleepily downstairs, ate, sleepily packed, and left for reading where we got doughnuts (but they spelled it donut) (happy) and pretty drinks and met soni's dad, whom we talked with and then we said goodbyes and it was sad and me and soni really need to hang out...all the time. because she's amazing
as we drove home i called sean, since before he promised me we would hang on sunday since he spontaneously couldnt come to my party on saturday. so then he tells me his car is dead. and then his mom yells she can drive us anywhere.
so sean being the crazy amazing person he is decides to drive us all the way to king richard's faire. and it was absolutely amazing.
and crazy.
he bought me an amazing hat for my birthday that is floppy and...amazing. i need a synonym for amazing
we watched jousting (yeah woohoo! ...) and i got asked "did you steal those shoes from a bowling alley? ....'mlady?" way to not break character. i felt dorky and it was happy and we had ye old fried dough and almost got sean fitted for a kilt and i saw a man dressed as a cow on stilts. and people selling roses were yelling ROSES! ROSES! and ROMANCE! LOVE! and then the salesperson next to her yells, ON A STICK! and you just see like....10 people smile to themselves and laugh thinking no one else heard. and it was brilliant.
After the millionth person asked Sean whether he'd buy a rose for "his lady" he goes "SHES NOT MY LADY!!" and the person laughed. sean kicks butt
he convinced me to try throwing knives at this board thing so he could laugh at me for a few minutes. he told me they wouldnt make any less damage if they were rocks, the way i was throwing them. and then he decides to teach me how AFTER i leave.
So it was silly and crazy and there were lots of silly crazy people yelling about their clothing shops and about how they would "MAKE YOUR BOSOMS FIRM AND ROUND!" right next to me and making me feel really awkward. A man running a ride was like, "Nice hat, now get in here" and another found out it was my birthday (even though it really wasnt, because my birthday had a thing this year about stretching itself over like...two weeks) and made a big production of singing me a song and it consisted of...
"THIS IS YOUR BIRTHDAY SONG
IT ISNT VERY LONG"
....and that was it
and i cant even imagine what their hiring process is like
so we drove home, listening to the souls of course and bobbing our heads and getting a lot of very very funny looks from people driving by. it was a beautiful day and even though i had to come home and do all my work, i still feel peaceful and happy. i feel like things are under control, and really deeply good, for once. i dont feel so empty anymore
and things are beautiful
and i dont know how to thank everything.
sure enough they'll know
baby So amazing
neOn collaGe: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!
Aleks WCF: xHAPPY BIRTHDAYx
FrostiRain: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Mish8700: happy birthday darling
cezium07: happy birthday!! =) (based on your profile, assuming it's today)
X09 81230: Happy Birthday!
Defmutant4488: happy birthday
Cwinger13: extra happy birthday pour ewise
damage repeat: holy shit
damage repeat: HAPPY BIRTHDAY ELISE!!!!!!!!!!!
Beside the Dark: Happy Birthday!!!
Beside the Dark: oh wow, i guess i'm not the first....
heatheramble: hApPy BiRtHdAy, MoThA FuCkKa (gangsta style)
TheZovietDada: d'oh! Happy demi-belated birthday!
blewis573: well i guess ill join the rest.........Happy Birthday Elise!
wow. the love
it epitomizes them so much. i feel like i have a repitoire
i'm so lucky to know such beautiful and crazy pieces of this crazy something
so i'm 15, day has come; i dont feel any different. wellwishers seem much friendlier
makes me nervous how i'm getting older with the passing of time. i want to tell it to wait...think of how it would be if we grew younger as life went on. would we lose wisdom? would we fear the time when we couldnt understand life and death? where would we go? would we still gain wisdom?
i need to stop being so determined to "conquer the world", as others put it, and enjoy being my age. because i am my age. cant help that;
we grow up so fast these days
school has been fine, teachers are good...all very perceptive. talking in spanish in the hall with spanish teacher, tells me what i was thinking...sonnenburg walks by and starts talking in fluent spanish and tells my teacher mi cabeza was in el cielo. i smiled at that
i find myself mourning for lost time.
thursday, after school, me finn gen sarah karlin jeff janine tim dave kelly and anthony went to the dynasty for a quick something...crazy group. soy bottles in paper bags and eating sugar packets.
i asked for pineapples and the waiter was like .... pineapple?
and then he walked away
jeff was like
you arent special enough for pineapple
and i'm like its not my fault
and hes like YES IT IS, YOU WOULD BE IF YOU CARED
ten minutes later the waiter comes back with this beautiful tray of pineapple
it was brilliant
that night caitlin and i went to see hero for our weekly movie thing... it was absolutely beautiful, every scene was a work of art. so beautiful
some communist overtones but i suppose thats expected from a chinese film
i went to meet her at the spoon at 9ish, it was dark and i was a bit sketched out but she gave me this massively raspberry lime rickey that she called a lime kelley and i didnt get it.
we talked since there were no customers anyway, and drove off.
caitlin told me to pick a cd in the store and it would be my present. of course i chose the coveted frou frou cd and i've been listening to it nonstop ever since...
speaking of which, today i turned 15, as already established. emily and tierney called me early in the morning and yelled happy birthday into the phone. i love those guys.
i'm beginning to get a good grasp on what it means, the turning of age; really just outside perception, i suppose. well that obviously changes what i think of myself, but still.
today was a day of reflection. i went for a run, listened to a lot of music, slept in the sun coming through a window, stared at a garden snake and wondered what was going on in its head. it was a dim and beautiful day
i feel really good
we picked up rachel and i had indian food for dinner at curry leaf with her and the family. it was really nice, a lot of fun. everyone was so amiable and soft around the edges
lot of laughs about me being unladylike. and mom somehow managed to tell the management that it was my birthday without me knowing. and i ended up with three rose syrup dumplings and pistachio ice cream and a candle and a wish. it was beautiful
rachel nate and i drove to the house blasting rolling stones and zeppelin and danced and rachel and i looked at the beautiful books carcia gave me for my birthday, all black and white photography and lenswork and film. absolutely fantastic, hes so generous
and rachel's mom gave me a beautiful ring in this little crazy velvet pouch. nate gave me a book on the trends and patterns of civilization called "Guns Germs and Steel" which looks brilliant, and the Sandlot dvd, which also looks brilliant in an entirely different way.
tomorrow is my crazy work day, so is monday, but it was worth it for these nothing few days. i feel so full of love i dont know how anyone would ever deserve and i can sleep well feeling like i dont need to be more than i am.
goodnight
the daughter of a shiver
so today marked the beginning of the new, sophomore era. the 4th will mark the beginning of the new, 15 era. AND BOTH MILESTONES MEAN NOTHING EXCEPT THAT TIME IS PASSING
i think its brilliant how i went into the bathroom today and there were 8 or so freshman girls crowded around the 3 mirrors putting too much eye make up on and vogueing in the mirror checking out themselves.
i think its brilliant how the freshman are either 3 or 7 feet tall
i think its brilliant that i was a freshman last year
people are always strikingly amiable the first day; after seeing no one but the friends all summer, you're used to the hellos-at-public-places-hows-your-summer. and it takes so long for all of us to figure out...we're never this friendly. i'm giving it a day or so
i realized i confused myself, i dont think i built the birdhouse the day before yesterday, it was the day before that. the day before yesterday i went to ems, where i saw tierney em renee chris and matt for em's 15th, and saw napoleon dynamite, joked with people sitting behind us in the theater, had massive amounts of food, did circles around the mall, and took these in the beautiful photobooth. (i'll tell you my secret idea about that later.)
nate and i drove to school listening to when the levee breaks and it woke me right up.
figures the last day of summer is clear and brilliant blue, and the first day of school is humid and rainy and sticky.
the edges of school are the ones i cant stand; by february i'm in my element and by the end i just want to get out.
plus
school is a place for big sweaters and house-ness to offset the school-ness.
i love it when it snows in school. so much more tolerable, warm
began my photo course today
extremely excited
extremely
extremely
i'm excited for a lot of things, actually; birthday party, ems birthday party, my actual birthday, taking over as editor of lit mag, getting my beautiful pearl white roland ax-7, the sale at guitar center on the 6th, the long weekend, reading of mice and men, and so on and so forth...
looking around on lomography.com and god there is some gorgeous stuff; i've got my eye on the holga or oktomat, possibly something with a colorsplash flash;
not sure. i've got 200 dollars to spend all the sudden, after being broke for months;
but i sort of need to get a synth. and a hard drive (??)
i'm thinking i'm going to make a web site for lit mag
not too sure yet
might be a good idea
probably would be
right now with 2 total members including me i think it sort of needs a kickstart
people complimented my hair today
i dont think they realized it was pretty much exactly the same as the last few days of school, when i chopped it; maybe i'm just having a good hair day
unlikely
it was essentially 200% humidity in that godforsaken building of education
i may not be the youngest in the school anymore but i'm still the shortest
giving jim his birthday present tomorrow
maybe he wont tear my face off with his eyes if all goes well.
i just began getting sad about that recently when it hit me that he might as well have died in my tiny little bubble
i'm also really tired of being submissive
rather i'm tired of being reminded of being submissive
today was a quiet day
shining and brightly bland
happy trudge
so i'm supposed to write some grand entry summing up how summer has been, what things symbolize, blah blah, avant-garde bs, and so on.
well summer is closing and my second year of high school is about to begin.
and thats basically it.
i'm going to talk about my birdhouse.
i built a birdhouse yesterday. well, rather, rebuilt;
this old one my father got me 7 or 8 years ago just decided to rot and collapse so we...rebuilt it, and its beautiful and theres this little bird checking it out to see if he likes it.
i also made a birdfeeder out of a bagel.
thats all i did.
today we drove off to boston and found the daddy's junky music that had my beautiful keytar;
apparently i cant take it home till the 6th, but hot DAMN is that thing beautiful.
cannot wait.
i went to get a backpack and only then did i realize at that time 24 hours from then i would be...in school.
and i wasnt affected at all
i came home, wrote invitations, and so on.
things are very uneventful, and it doesnt matter too much to me.
i'm sort of apathetic about the whole thing.
i'm almost 15, almost the owner of the most beautiful keytar ever, almost a sophomore, almost happy and almost sad. i'm almost 5'3", almost a musician, almost a writer, almost a photographer, almost a good student. almost pretty, almost fun, almost confident.
its fun being an almost, you should try admitting it someday;
todays day was hot, in the 90s, some big shabam for the end of the summer. we ate at this little market called marche with an accent on the E. they gave you stamps for each food item you purchased, and had absolutely everything you could ever want.
it was so beautiful. they played eerie 50s music the entire time.
we visited the christian science center gardens, beautiful as always; found a garden 3 floors above street level in the middle of nothing. today was a good day
re-found my love for being alone, re-found my love for others. in a really bland almost way.
nothing quite like flat soda and people watching on a hot yellow 90 degree day.
have a nice something
all you can see is from the eyes up
what a fantastic day......
woke up early after a few hours of sleep, packed my bag, and was picked up by rachel...we drove to the train station and saw jen. (she looks lovely! very different, though...crazy. its taking some getting used to that its the same person inside. i wonder what would happen if my face changed so. she looked beautiful before, though, and still does. she seemed well.)
we rode the train in and laughed and observed and early morning light made everything seem beautiful. south station was splendid filled with golden light and golden people and we rode the red line to kendall and wandered about till we came about the pink of the garment district. we ruffled through piles and shoes and i got beautiful pumps and jen got beautiful hiking boots; i got some latin records which were fantastic.
upstairs finally opened....crazy sweaters dresses (rachel found her cotillion one!) i found a shirt that was from a bowler named dave but i couldnt afford it; instead i bought the loveliest shirt with an infinite town on it.
we shopped and had a lovely gaudy kitschy time. when it was time to go i found a beatnik cigarette holder; exactly like the ones we were making with pens at mikeys. i wouldve bought it for him if i had the money
so we left and went across the street with our trashbags feeling hoboesque to this beautiful little flower store in a silvery building.
i was looking for a flower to buy to brighten a stranger's day; we explored, found an empty room with hundreds of floating holographic ovals with eyes like the most delicate and simple school of fish.
i decided on a sun colored gerber daisy and the shopowner was splendidly nice; it made me smile the rest of the day. he gave me a blue ribbon in a bow around it, the loveliest color combination, and wished us well.
we walked down to kendall station, ate a little lunch in the pretty food court, talked, looked for flower candidates, walked outside to see a wiry man playing bells in the middle of the courtyard in some sort of shiny jazz arrangement that perfectly matched the weather today.
carrying around a tangerine flower and a trashbag full of records and clothing, i felt rather conspicuous; but the strange looks i was getting were fascinating.
the subway ride home, uneventful, with the exception of the rediscovery of the magnificent hammer-and-chimes in the station.
at south station we were a little early. we were talking when i spotted a somewhat gloomy looking tired traveler surrounded by bags and a bad feeling.
jen mentioned him; i walked over and said,
"Hi, um, you looked like you needed cheering up, so heres a daisy."
and i held it out and there was this strange silence and then he grinned dimly and confusedly and said, "Really?"
pause.
"....thanks!"
and he gave me the brightest sweetest smile and i walked away. (he never looked back.)
it was brilliant to get a smile.
we left and walked off to downtown crossing. outside south we saw a man giving away free boston heralds for some cause, and i took one, the moocher i am.
walking down the street i saw a man finding change in his pocket to buy the newspaper i was holding, so i was like, here. and hes like what? and i'm like its the same paper. and hes like oh, thanks.
and it felt nice. i wonder how their days went.
we walked through downtown crossing to the common, getting blatantly checked out by this one man we poked fun of later and watching crazy squirrels. rachel waved at a truck and it stopped and a guy came out with a pole and went AHHHH! to scare us.
then we realized he was joking adn from the boston park service.
and we laughed for a long long time.
and so did the guys in the truck. "they were FREAKED! hahahaha"
it was brilliant. ahh.
we talked about jen's businessman and saw "a squirrel having sexual relations with the ground!!"
funny shaped chesthair was strange,
lady carrying bag of chestnuts tamed park chipmunks and lent me two nuts. and i tamed them too. she had crazy white hair.
we talked about silly tissues up noses, jen called adrian, i called trevor but then the crazy park man ran out so i hung up before anyone answered by mistake. we saw hobos and college kids and crazy park animals and "the sign from god!'
as the clock struck two we realized we shoudlve been going; as me and rachel walked back without the jen and saw street performers; the train home was delayed, we looked at everyone's eyes over the seats, talked, laughed, felt asleep. and all of the sudden i am home and in pumps.
the weather was brilliant today.
the today was brilliant today.
i'm getting my hair cut in less than 2 hours! woo frivolity.
everything was brilliant today
it has been the craziest end.
my life feels like a gritty old beach full of trash and lined with fishermans huts and stories. a turtle on its back.
the last few days. ahh god. it has zoomed and zoomed by.
went to see a bad movie with caitlin, ended up exploring the theater, singing, having drinks in chilis and getting strange looks and ordering off the kids menu. filled us with the beginnings of a crazy friday, when i had nothing to do. caitlin and i, after searching and searching for a somewhere to go, decided to hold a party in the common celebrating having nothing to do on friday nights.
we left millions of messages and hitched a ride in the back of his van and brought my cds and radio. we danced and rachel came. and then we had to go home because of beautiful rain.
we knew we needed to escape so we called finn.
finn picked us up with mikey who looked like he was going to a gay disco...we drove around, crazy; as the sun began to die we went to wendy's, smoked and ate fries and destroyed the tray and yelled about refills. our dr pepper tasted like beer, which got us nervous, so we left for bj's and drove through the rat's nest in milford, quite scared and arrived at this crazy million story tenant building that sketched the hell out of me.
we climbed up rickety wooden steps to meet bj dan and two other people, one old and rocking back and fort on a stool with a beer, and the other in the corner. they told disgusting jokes and smoked. a lot. and stared at us.
caitlin and i were uncomfortable and finn and mikey were finally ready to go after we deduced the dr pepper was not beer;
i saw a baby carriage in their apartment
it made me nervous
anyway, we drove off to mikey's grandmother's (???) and it smelled a bit like cats and we had soda and talked about her teapots and the past; what an interesting woman. then bj called finn simply to tell him that caitlin and i were hot. hm. finn hung up
we left and drove off and decided to go to brighams and visit sarah and get free ice cream. finn peed on a car or in the shed or something crazy and we got ice cream and noticed sarah was wearing 3d glasses...she said john k. gave them to her, so we decided LETS SHOW UP AT JOHNS. driving away eating ice cream we arrived at johns, nervously close to my house; knocked on both house's doors and finally found him. mikey went in and used the bathroom and confused the hell out of john's family.
we went outside and finn/mikey/john smoked as we all talked, cars drove by and i hid behind finn, and then they had the BRILLIANT IDEA of flashing the cars so john finn and mikey decided to touch eachother and wave and lift their shirts and etc and a car STOPPED.
i thought it was my parents.
finn ran and jumped off this rock wall thing and i followed panicking and i didnt realize it was around 7 feet off the ground; i was stuck in this crazy sheep thing
the car was talking and thought they were "flagging it down" hahahaha.
ah brilliant.
so john lifted us up somehow because he is crazy strong and we all went inside.
we went to the boat-house and were watching the olympics, jumping around on the futon and all the sudden finn was putting a wiffleball or something in his pants
and there were tons of 3d glasses and then they were watching porn and we were making fun of them
and then they went out for a smoke and john gave me and caitlin head massages which was heavenly.
wow run on sentence.
then john's dog got skunked and the air was coming in through the windows and we tried to put a fan on only we realized it was blowing the wrong way and turned it off;
then (i think?) we went to mikeys, somewhere in there; i sort of forget what happened there other than crazy pitbulls that were nice and kitties named horatio and lots of smoke and swearing and finn drinking ms. l's sunkist; we stood around for a bit and talked and things and then we got driven to caitlins by john.
we went in, watched crazy TV for a bit till it was 12:30pm when we called john and locked the door and climbed out the tiny window stunningly ungracefully.
we walked down the street and as we reached the end we saw john, only we didnt think it was him because there were two people in the car; but then we saw it was mikey.
we drove to mikeys and watched kill bill and kill bill 2 and there was a lot of talk of movies and life and crazy things.
around 5:30am we decided we should probably be getting back; john drove us to the edge of the street and we climbed back through the window, even more ungracefully; it was beginning to get light out and the room was crazy buggy.
we, quite out of it and smelling like smoke turned on pretty in pink. when that finished and the incense burned down further and we felt brightened, we chose another 80s movie (this time with the outstanding karate kid we all know i love dearly) called crossroads (not britney, dont worry) and it was great and by that time it was maybe 8 in the morning.
somewhere between those we made chocolate chip pancakes and listened to clouds.
when the movie ended we decided to make ourselves feel somewhat less horrible.
after this we talked about how that day felt like it flowed in one big...beam of hour and minute and smoke and puddles.
i feel brilliant still. john mentioned seizing the day, as he drove us home. if someone offers you something, take it. then he invited us to a party the day before my birthday. i swear.
the doorbell rang. i packed up thinking it was my ride.
turned out it was random man saying caitlin had a driving lesson. so i was left on a rainy streetcorner waiting with my stereo and the 200 cd binder seeming to go everywhere nowadays.
i ended up in natick that day, examining things i couldnt afford and contemplating a hole in my lip;
getting home i took pictures and wrote and wrote. recieved letters i would never return. found a jesus pin somewhat like an ivory brooch.
finn picked me up and me him caitlin and sarah drove to mikeys, where we met evan; we all talked and had soda and realized john bought ms L sunkist to make up for finn's drinking it.
colors began to blur into permanent sepia. we watched valleygirl, somewhere in there drove to cumby's to pick up cigarettes but no one had an ID, obviously; caitlin and sarah didnt come so i bought a candy bar for them (mikey was nice enough to lend money), we drove home and talked (i thought the evan guy was 20! crazy.) and the night was absolutely beautiful.
we watched something else, i dont even remember; the night sort of dragged on, we ended up going to cumby's again and victor was there, and when he mentioned an ID ( ) slapped down a permit. priceless
anyway they all left with strawberry cigars and finn went off with sarah to walk a dog, or something;
caitlin and i waited for my father to pick us up on the little crazy porch with evan and mikey smoking and lots of crazy conversation.
i came home and simply collapsed, though failing to sleep.
the next morning i was dazed throughout and realized i was dying. so i decided to sleep.
for hours and hours and hours.
then i told myself i was going to do my AP work and never did.
i wrote a poem.
and fell asleep again.
then i woke up and walked and walked.
i forget the rest of the night.
monday was a nothing; tuesday i was woken up because roche came over with a check and i had to come down in my pj's...but i got paid, which was outstanding; somehow i ended up out with my mom eating indian food and on a quest for new bowling shoes and i ended up buying 20 dollars worth of frames as well as replanning the crazy boston trip.
i came home and neatened up. took a bath, felt clean, lovely, and worthy of sleep. and then i slept.
my computer just decided to delete almost everything i wrote.
i woke up at 12 exactly to an abandoned house and sunlight and fresh breeze blowing through an open window and tickling my face and arms. it was lovely.
i ventured downstairs and made pancakes, didnt eat any... walked upstairs, got dressed, went and layed spread eagle on the roof. i had fallen asleep when the phone rang.
"Elise?"
it was finn. roundrobin talks. what do you think of evan. why. what do you think. why. curiosity. etc etc. slushy, ashland, hess gas station, what do you think of evan, he's nice, so nice is your official opinion on him, why, shut up, alex you called me, fine, he thinks youre cute, laughing, i wouldnt date him, i know but you have strange taste in guys, what makes you say that, you went to cotillion with me, yeah but you were wearing a suit.
the conversation continued till he realized he was supposed to be at his job in 2 minutes ago. (since when did finn have a job)
we hung up, i returned to my roof, had almost fallen asleep again when phone rang again, it was caitlin.
"ITS MOVIE WEDNESDAY AND WE STILL DONT HAVE PLANS"
long story about the movie wednesday thing, but
we drove off to bellingham, got tickets beforehand of course, and went to newbury comics. and this is where things get interesting.
THE awesome-change-man/hug-cashier/etc was there. and we talked.
and his name is trevor.
...and i have his number. and he is one pretty specimin
we finally figured out how to afford my cd and we ran off giggling like the girls we are.
to linens and things. where we found the ugliest way to furnish a house and cheap chocolate.
running with 5 minutes to the movie we arrived just in time to miss the "2wenty" stupid advertisements.
there was an amazing man alone at the movies in front of us who laughed at all the things we did. which was great.
garden state was outstanding.
not only because of the fantastic soundtrack. (every song but 1 i had the album of. and that one album is the one i keep going to newbury's for...never can afford it though. hot damn.)
lots of talking and silliness and chocolate and laughs and what an outstanding movie.
caitlin thought they were smoking pot. (they were smoking crack).
that made my day
anyway, as we left we danced and we passed one of those rip-off stuffed animal claw machines.
caitlin puts money in.
2 out of her 3 tries she won things.
halfway down the strip we realized the animals were really obnoxious. so caitlin wrote a poemnote on the the tag of one and we left them sitting on a bench for some little innocent to find.
after scary mister i-drive-with-one-hand drove by 2 more times staring at us attempting to look alluring we were picked up and drove home with her mother the criminologist talking about the differences between crack and coke.
hm.
now i'm home with a beautiful cd anxiously awaiting tomorrow and astounded at another number and with hair that needs a cut and a stomach full of pointed nothing.
aleks still isnt answering any of his phones or being online.
i'm really nervous. i care about that kid.
sick blood love affair
so i had one of those days of dissatisfaction. buried myself till noon, i feel mechanized. i feel like i've been bloodletting.
i had one of those nights where i got stuck on two songs and worked for a pointless hour to make another temp.
something's wrong with my head, third day of aches now, and not the normal sort
i'm still procrastinating and still worrying.
i'm just not getting it right. i keep finding papers hidden in little corners of my room with phone numbers i dont know and i'm afraid to call.
i got a hole punched in me today
and it let my ego fly into our murky hurricane's face and off through the atmosphere.
glorifying small things.
I guess its time to play catch-up with the little things that have filled almost a month.
I dont know the order. (Blurs arent usually very orderly.)
Rachel and I went to the Danforth museum of art and that was a ton of fun; we stopped at a tag sale, she got an old detective had an i got a gold musketeer, a lampshade, big costume jewelry, and a mug that says:
i wish i were a China Cup
from which you drink your tea
for then i know at every sup
you'd give a kiss to me
Its quite beautiful; i wonder what the hopeless romantic ceramicist(??) was like.
Anyway they let us in almost free because they liked our bad tag sale clothing.
We played in the childrens room with the artsy toys and commented on every piece and then went outside and sat on cement and had a much needed catch-up on eachothers' lives.
We drove home, watched Ghostbusters (i was a ghostbusters virgin!) and had sugar popcorn and it was outstanding.
Some days after that, on Wednesday Caitlin and I went to Bellingham to see the Village, but we went to Newbury as always (we bought our tickets beforehand this time, so we didnt spend all our money on cds and have none left for tickets like before. Quick learners!) and i talked to this kickin cash register guy and told him to have a happy day and talked about the movie.
Caitlin and I fed off eachother's energy as always, had a ton of fun, thought the movie was great, really REALLY funny group of people behind us thought i died (i'm sort of a wimp, sorry kids) and when we went out, we went past newbury comics (closed) but I noticed mr-i'm-awesome cashier guy was still there. I knocked on the window. Only no one noticed because they always have loud music. Knocked again. Nothing. Gave up. Began to walk away. Walked back. Knocked again. Caitlin knocked with me.
He turns around, and i give him the COME HERE NOW sign with my hands and he goes to the door, and out of absolutely nowhere rushes 30-odd prepubescents asking ARE YOU OPEN ARE YOU OPEN etc
so i go to the guy as he cracks open the door and i'm like,
I know you arent open but uh can i have a hug?
and he says,
Yeah! Uh...yeah.
We hug and then he starts asking me about the movie and i felt like i made a new friend till i got home and realized i had no idea what his name was and the fact that he was probably another 20 year old made me sort of sad, but it still was great.
Friday we went to Bob's and Janine came along, and it was a ton of fun (if randomly the only cold day in a long while, figures.) We drive there and heard some really really strange music, talked about everything, swam, floated away, went tubing, practically died, made big circles in the grass and ate cookies. It was a nice day.
After I got home I took a shower and went off to Em's to see her and rachel, and to talk; lots of fun, we watched the first video of Titanic because we're saps and because we cant handle the sad half.
Sat on the driveway like a year ago, looked at stars and planes, felt happy.
Sunday the parents wanted to try out their new kayaks, so me and rachel tagged along and went to the lovely park. I was walking over to get a kayak when someone says,
Hey elise!
and i turn and its PAT! so that was cool. we talked about his crazy rabbit i was taking care of that is practically a dog (it runs like a dog and looks like a dog. and smells like a dog) (but it's still awesome) I didnt realize he worked at the boat rental place.
So I'm off and me and rachel explore the little islands and attempt to skip stones only I still stink at it. We had a splash-paddle fight which i lost horribly, then we went under this tiny bridge under a road to a secret little river that was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. Leaving it someone wrote on the hidden side of the bridge, SMILE.
It was lovely.
Sometime during the week I went to the movies with Katie, saw chick flick that was surprisingly good (and this is me saying this) said hey to billy, found out the name of crazyawesomenewbury guy from random cashier (its trevor.) and drove home fast to get katie home.
wednesday we left for PA; college searching.
7 hours later we arrived! (Yes.) We basically drove with the storm, but its alright...the rain was beautiful. I listened to a lot of music and straightened a lot of things out in my head. We actually saw 3 accidents happen right in front of us...it was pretty scary. I felt lucky. (lovely arguments about whether east and west connect)
apple store panera berry white.
The hotel receptionist was awesome and we had a great conversation about...meat. (i know, i know). She was a character.
We left early after a freezing night in the hotel room and an amazing hotel breakfast. We got to Villanova...toured, learned, met college-bound kids, etc. Towards the end of the day I was talking with a professor who was setting us up with some info and shes like, so youre looking at grad schools?
and it was just
....
i'm 14
and shes like OH WOW I DIDNT MEAN IT IN A BAD WAY YOU JUST
and on and on and on like always.
it was sort of sad
So anyway, we drove from Villanova to the next hotel, only we missed the exit and there was something like 20 miles of divided highway between exits, so it took us over an hour to turn around and go the other way. But we drove through this beautiful valley, where clouds hung heavily and we traveled through a tunnel that went straight through a mountain. It was unbelievable.
We went to have dinner at a little bar restaurant filled with smoke and drunks. I hate drunks. So so much.
I tried to not let it ruin my dinner but then some huge ordeal happened directly behind me.
We got back to the hotel and watched a girl wrestler try to beat up joey buttafuoco (yes!) only she lost (no!)
and then screech from saved by the bell beat up someone else.
(thats why i dont normally watch TV.)
We went to Lafayette the next day, met a great engineer who had a beautiful life, walked around the campus, had a big happy lunch, and began the long, long long drive home.
We got so stuck in traffic we took a random exit off to get dinner, and when we got back, we recognized all the same cars.
In an hour, we hadnt lost any ground.
Talking about jesus trucks and truckers and what rest stop loitering really means and traffic from the beginning to hartford.
The drive was lovely, though, "sitting stupid" everyone slowly began to drift into making absolutely no sense. And finally, late at night, we arrived home and collapsed.
Saturday I woke up around 12, talked to caitlin on the phone, enjoyed the absolutely perfect day, got ready for the concert and off we went.
When we arrived at the firehouse, who do we see but Finn! with John Burke, Mikey, Stackpole and some kid i dont know but I'm sure he's lovely.
So we walk inside, and I see Christine, and she's with her friends Ben and Jen (comment on the art, "wait youre only 14?" again.). And we run around and find crazy staircases and mazes and squishy rust-colored chairs and massive amounts of art (???) and it was amazing. So we run back up after realizing most of the trip was initially pointless. We see aleks! and I give him the lit mag.
Somewhere in all this, the band begins to play (Special Fredd), theyre absolutely fantastic...sort of....really rough jazz. Amazingly unique. I ask about a tee shirt, they guy says theyre 8 but he'd give one to me for 6. (but i never ended up buying one. sad)
so the next band was up...they were great, very together (Therefore I Am) and somewhere in all this Mandy, Bri, and JB show up (which is fantastic because i havent seen them, especially mandy, almost the entire summer! so we screamed and hugged and were stupid and danced and talked.) And then Chris C. showed up, which was awesome because he's leaving for arizona EXTREMELY soon.
So we had a big group, and there was great music and this kid in a bright pink shirt who looked so out of it who had this crazy smile on his face and kept looking at me and talking crazy. lovely night
anyway we were people watching and laughing and being silly and it was a great night.
Aleks and his band (When Curtains Fall) were third up, and they were great; started out a little worried but i thought they were flawless. The photographers were all over aleks. (only he kept moving so they started getting angry. it was amazing to watch) A bunch of people went up to the stage after they finished their set and gang hugged/crushed aleks. Feel the love.
Last band was great, (A Loss for Words) extremely tight and energetic and catchy and just all around fantastic. At the end of the concert most of the goodbyes were already said and we were left with Caitlin and I salsa-ing to grit music.
Only we cant salsa.
We met a bunch of great people (if you can call "This is _____ hes awesome" meeting someone) we ended up waiting outside and I played bongos on the traffic meters, talked to some guys from one of the bands, i forget which, a kid named brandon yelled something to me while driving away and it was completely unintelligible but the whole crowd seemed really full of love and awesome feeling. for the most part.
there was a lot of thanks-for-coming and nice-to-see-a-new-face. It felt really great and I left feeling like I filled the night with something worthwhile.
Today, I got up early to the most beautiful sound of Charlie raining his way through. We went to visit Meme, she's recovering beautifully and it was great to see her again (I brought her the thing I wrote her) and we talked about everything. She's an amazing person; I really would be so happy with myself if i was half the person she was.
She told me a few years ago that I was like a plant, and now I was budding. Today she told me I had turned into a flower. I almost cried. (I was having an off day.)
She's such a beautiful person. I cant wait till she's up and feeling like herself again.
I got home and had to clean the house but afterwards I could relax, and it was nice to hear the rain on the roof.
I'm sort of sleepy now. I've been working on a lot of things, thinking about the future...i've been having a really bad day. Just...so panicked about everything. Hopefully, hopefully, things will improve.
...not that I should be complaining.
Golden bird that flies away.
Today was...spectacular. I am so full of events, happenings, memories, bad food...
I got up a tad early after basically falling unconscious and being dragged upstairs by my mother...I wasnt waking. So i slept and slept.
And woke. Forgot breakfast, packed my crazy bag and drove off to the T station...where i saw jonesy, adam, and jb (?!!) who said they were going to the Dispatch concert. Then renee and chris showed up, said the same.
Jen katie and I got on the train and enjoyed the grafitti and peoplewatching...it was beautiful and we talked and woke up. Upon arriving at south station we met a strange man with a puppy that was 7 weeks old and the man made fun of it for looking up my skirt. We talked and he was nice and we wished eachother well, a good start to our day. We walked to chinatown to look for bubble tea, and we found it! The most lovely fruit shakes with little pearls...ah. Heaven in a cup, bubble tea.
We drank that and went in kitchy sketchy stores. Katie and I bought shoe-slippers for 6 dollars. Probably will last a day, but theyre beautiful. In a weird cheap sort of way.
We walked around, saw sketchy blonde woman with banana, looked down streets and made fun of cheap macys jewelry no one wanted to buy. We also had the toy-doll presidents have a conversation. (Bill Clinton and George W. Bush disagreed a lot. Clinton kept talking about the middle class.)
We walked to downtown crossing and went in CD stores, lots of great and interesting people...crazy bagel cutter machine, tempurature getting unbearable at this point. We went and got a little lunch and free peaches, and staked our claim on the Common to watch Much Ado about Nothing. It was great, though we basically baked in the sun...even I burned. Just a bit on my cheeks though. It sort of makes me look excited about everything.
So anyway, you cant go wrong with Shakespeare and it was splendid...after it was done, we figured out how to get to the hatch shell, took the sub, made our way like little ants and lemmings, followed the crowd, and we were there, and the LAST DISPATCH SHOW EVER. for free. We decided to stay a few hours, and it was great. Beautiful music...bit too much body heat, and it was already sweltering... we sat out on the docks on the charles for a while, dipping our feet in. I wanted to go swimming but no one else consented. We looked at clouds, thought, heard the music drift almost ghostlike out over the water. Then, we saw Vera and her (coughATTRACTIVEcough) cousin. they were supposed to be in florida (!?!? michigan? something) so it was crazy that we found them. We pushed our way through the crowds and listened to the lovely music and saw the lovely musicians, back again for one last show. I got in a conversation with the guy next to me about the music and how people seemed to need pot to keep their attention...how strange it was. He made a comment on how young everyone was here, 20s or so. Thats when I realized how young I really am.
He looked 20. He must have been older.
It seems strange. Why do I have to think like this? So out of place.
Nonetheless, we decided there was too much bad chemical going around so we began to migrate towards the outskirts of the crowd. We were in a free juice line when who was it but, adam and jonesy! They talked to us a bit and it was nice to hang out with them a little.
We took the sub back and found a tiny little wendies with strange contemporary lighting and furniture, and a beautiful man who looked porcelain and had a shiny new tattoo. I wanted to ask him his story.
Though I didnt, and we walked back to south station, looking at little cars and people like ants...South station looked much more comforting in half-evening light, and we got a bit of something to eat and talked, and laughed. Looked at the little flipping signs. Sang little songs and felt full of music. And boarded our train and found our seats, laughing half asleep and fatigued all the way to framingham about our loves standards lives anything our little juvenile hearts could process at such an hour. We arrived at the stop and resubmerged ourselves in the sticky air...I drove home with the skylight open and my fingers weaving through. It was a beautiful day today, a full day, a worthwhile day; day enough to call it a day. I came home sticky and with dry eyes, but I'm showered and fresh and...sleepy. Tonight, finally, contentedly, I'll sleep. Jen and Katie...you guys are amazing. Thanks for literally making my day today. Good luck to Jen, before her crazy-big day.
I'm sore and tired and happy. Things are really beautiful right now, and not only do I feel blessed, I feel I deserve it, for making the efforts I've been making to change things and help things. I feel as though I'm getting somewhere, after all this. That i'm taking the right direction, finally.
Goodnight.
Bitter like finger smooth.
Things are beginning to pull out of a stall; I've been able to write with correct mechanics and things, which is a plus...
Lots of thinking, cleaning has been done. 5 more trashbags.
Some day a little while ago, I forget which, Sean and I went to a hockey game at the most beautiful, amazing arena. A beautiful little miniature world of whirling blades and the smells of fried food and hard sweat. He couldnt play, because of his ankle, and we were destroyed anyway. Still, it was nice to spend time with Sean, and nice to see my first hockey game, ever.
Ben waved at us from the goal and thought he saw two of his mother. (only it was just both of us in the same shade of CRAZY ABRASIVE HURTS-MY-EYES orange.)
Sean and I drove home squished in the front of the pickup and decided to walk to O'tooles. We had pizza, made the waitresses angry. Ben snuck up behind us somehow, put his hands over my eyes. I thought it was Ian because he made a bad noise. Go figure.
So now we were wreaking havoc on this poor little irish pub. Ben snorted pepper (???) we were loud and rowdy and I was thoroughly embarassed but hey, it was a good laugh. Something i needed. I love you guys.
We left a massive tip for our waitress because we (coughTHEY) were horrible. As sean and I snuck out the door trying to ditch ben, he ran around. I saw his little green dumpster bike and felt compelled to ride it no-feet down the hill, towards the lake.
I almost ran over Ben. (whoops.) And then we almost got run over. And then Sean and Ben jumped into eachothers arms and acted all surprised and taken aback when i turned around. It was complicated and ridiculous and fantastic and we walked/biked/hopped all the way back like that. Well, sort of.
Ben went back to his house with his decrepit bike and Sean and I walked to the beach, where we used the swings and walked on boulders, skipping stones. (Mine was more of a...throwing and sinking.) We talked about life, parents, boundaries, time. Things got put perfectly into perspective for me, and Sean never fails to be this preemptive force redeveloping things in my life for me.
We realized we had 5 minutes to make it home, so we began to sprint. Sean passed me in less than a second and thundered down the road...till we saw Ian (ian???) walking down the street in his fear the turtle tee shirt. It turns out he had been sent out to find us. But now that he'd found us, we decided to keep running. Till the pickup drove up, so we leaped over the sides and rode in the back to Seans, making it in time for my father.
Yesterday Nate woke me up early and we went driving around, getting lost in rounds and do not enters and right on reds. We finally made it to Wendy's and he made fun of my total-starch meal, the only thing vegetarian not a salad on their menu. Only wait. Thats right. Their salads have meat.
So anyway I had a potato and french fries. urghalasdfscqwepqpowieurqpowmzxqrowimer. I felt disgusting so when I got home, i decided to pound out the disgusting like never before...I put on actual sneakers, a fast paced set of tunes and ran, down from my house over a mile, then walked five. I've never run over a mile before, much less a mile itself. Small glory, I know, but its something. It makes me happy to feel my leg muscles on my calves...I've been running almost every day now. I never used to be able to do this.
I came home, jumped in the pool with my clothes on, took a cold shower, did some publishing research, wrote more, finalized robotics girl plans, blah blah, productive productive...so unlike me....
I went to bed that night feeling satisfied but totally and completely awake. I sat for maybe 2 hours till I realized I probably wasnt going to fall asleep very soon. So I picked up a book.
I finished the 400+ page novel and it was 3. This was about the time I had fallen asleep last night...and the night before was a little earlier. My eyelids were still light, my head aware. I sat and waited and waited.
After a few hours I noticed the light in the windows begin to change; it was 5. The quick transition from navy to cadet to a foggy gray of the condensation on my windows distracted me... all of the sudden, it was 6. Parents early morning noises and groggy exercises clashed and clanged and padded through the air. It was 6:45, and I decided to go down. And I caught a glimps of myself, eyes puffy but still darting from no sleep; I just wasnt tired. I wouldve fallen asleep if I was.
Around 8 I decided to go running again. My legs had grown sore from the day before but I went anyway...jogged a while, walked a while. I got home around 9:30 after a few miles, took a shower; brother wasnt awake. Enjoyed the morning.
Today was a good day, a bright day. I returned my library book, from March. I went to another "emergency meeting" and theyre going better. My thoughts keep drifting off to semi sleep and my body stays awake. This is eerie when writing...breaking into a narrative. Eerie. I dont feel tired, though. I feel...healthy. Strong. Full of this crazy explosive vitality that will punch anyone into life the minute I speak to them.
Tomorrow is my day to bless Boston...and for Boston to bless me and friends with its superb smells and sights and faces; wrinkles and freckles and grafitti that shows the time. The city puts things in perspective. I know it will.
Broke everything I knew again, everything I loaned. Everything I loved, everything I loathed.
For me, boring for you. (below.)
Things around the house were getting progressively more malignant till like a storm the clouds broke and out came the brilliant blue of a friend. Sean and I went to Fahrenheit 9/11. We got swindled and salesman-ed and crazyness for some charity, they cornered us.
We ate more than we shouldve and talked about everything. And it was nice.
Michael Moore...not a fan. Sound bite whore, uses little shock-appeal tactics to access a demographic not intelligent enough to tell the difference between a political argument and a stupid man. Liberal propaganda. However, all of the pointless fishing and golf jokes aside (honestly, what president doesnt? a bit of a wasted argument) the core was there, presenting a certain level of disgusting factuality. That, to me, has enough of a shock factor to get across to most without any frills...but you need something to make money off of, huh.
Anyway, lots of fun with sean, and I really want to see him again. Lots of cleaning, lots of reading novels in one night, lots of....not being able to sleep. Lots of thinking about keody and how jen is going and figuring out...everything. Lots of inspiration with crawford about music and poetry. Found a video microscope. Was happy.
I'm trying very, very hard to use full sentences and correct punctuation. I had sort of melted into nothing-english because nothing else was truly functioning, so why should my first language. I'm trying to be optimistic now. So I'm trying to write well. Function, function, function. "Emergency Meeting" on Tuesday. That should be interesting, perhaps bringing this whole ordeal to a close.
I'm still talking with david, sort of. I really want to go back to the island.
I havent been in contact with many people, simply because I realized how much it hurt me to be around them. Not...physically...or anything, its just, I feel better off now. Though it's amazing how much people feel they need to live life with someone by their side... human weakness.
Friday night after crazy-cleaning and having a very bad hair day, caitlin invited me to go to the movies (bourne supremacy) with her, manda, and kata at 9:45, so I did. We went early and found funny fabric and kata got lost so a woman in the store was asked directions and it was nice. I tried to tell them not to go into newbury comics because we would spend all our money on music and not have enough for the movie, but they didnt listen. And guess what happened. Yeah.
We walked to the movies under warm yellow streetlight and I felt good, for the first time in a long time. We got in, bought tickets with Kata's money, were sort of late so got front and center seats and practically had epilepsy during all the shot scenes, but it was a really nicely done(if anticlimactic and depressing) movie. We saw billy and he talked to us a bit. And then we walked around outside and enjoyed the empty parking lot at midnight. It was quite beautiful.
manda drove all of us home except kata and i couldnt fall asleep, again. so i read a novel. again.
Saturday woke up because i only slept maybe 2 hours at 7 to clean the house so I could leave. After super-cleaning and then packing in 3 seconds I was off to happy Marblehead! to see the lovely Soni! (hooray!)
It was nice and we met at the funny little gas station and drove to her house. And then we had amazing pizza and cylinder-dessert and our waiter was named Dante (and he worked at an open brick oven!) and he ALWAYS SPOKE LIKE THIS. VERY FORCEFUL. NOT LOUD, just very THIS IS YOUR ORDER.
And he sang to himself as he walked around. I think he made my night.
We went home and played lots of stupid video games and laughed and listened to music (super love!) and decided to watch Microcosmos, this really beautiful french film (supposedly a "kids" film but quite honestly...i think it would scare kids) about the miniature world...perfect inspiration for crawford and I's project. It was astounding. I loved it. I want to watch it again. Thank you Mao. (soni and I still havent sent him a letter...)
Spending time with the whole L-M family was really nice. Everyone eventually drifted off to bed except me and sonia, so we spent maybe an hour looking for the Lost in Translation DVD without getting anywhere, deciding we'd ask her dad in the morning.. then we talked, listened to music, looked up lyrics, found really bad translations on sixthousand japanese songs and looked for the dvd again (failed to find it) and found photos. Somehow it ended up 4:30 in the morning and we werent really making any sense. We were dancing around to dir-en-grey. Huh. And then we went upstairs and passed out.
Woke up in the morning to annoying phone sound. Talked to blood half asleep hung up drifted in and out for an hour, went downstairs. Had happy toast. And nectarines. And listened to noisy music.
We hung about the house till we realized we ate breakfast at lunchtime. Watched the tour-de-france, got inspired, went on a biking adventure through two parallel fences and shrubs into a utopian creepy neighborhood, then out again and through the streets to town, where soni and I went to crosby's to get our fizzy soda and candy fix.
We rode up and down confusing hills to fort sewall, where we watched waves and pigeons and cliffs...and talked about a lot of things. It was a beautiful day, good for naps. A good day to be tired.
Strange old man talking into his hand tried talking to me about beavers and igloos and eskimos. Man letting us pass glared at us and short hair. "Ladies"
We felt weirded out. We biked away.
Up and down pretty hills my gears clicking funny and busses pulling by.
We got home just as the evening light began making contrast of everything, sat on the front porch swing and knocked on wood. Talked about things, realized I had been up 31 out of the last 37 hours, realized we werent making any sense at all, went back inside. Packed up, loaded car, drove to amazing dub-reggae version of dark side of the moon, arrived at funny gas station. Went home.
I'm here, now, my alkali prints still havent flattened, and I'm in a bit of a dark mood, simply because I'm home.
I've made a list of things I cant afford and things I would really like. Its sort of sad.
Ipod and Voice recorder. - 440$.
Keytar. (hot damn!) - 150$ish.
High end manual SLR 35mm camera for photography course next year. - God knows.
"Haunted Weather" compilation - 20$.
External Hard Drive - 80$.
Hmm. Too bad i've got 3 dollars.
My purchases in the last 3 days have been a movie ticket, a CD for 4.99, and coconut juice.
I think I need a job.
Speaking of which, I went over to the Baypath Humane Society the other day, walked in, said "Hi, I'm Elise, (etc etc etc) I heard you were hiring"
"Um. No. We arent. Unless I'm losing my job and someone didnt tell me." (laughs from humane cronies.)
"Oh. Okay. Thanks...anyway."
so thats my spectacular first attempt.
things have been nice, i've been able to lose myself in a number of things... hopefully katie rachel jen and I will go off to boston... and hopefully I'll get a job.
goodnight.
i dont really feel like anyone
what i would like to amount to
when the time comes for me to go
i hope that i've made a collective positive impact on the world
to not add to the grief and sorrow
to not detract from the joy people need to see, hear, feel
i'd feel fulfilled
if i could make this just a little bit better. you're all too beautiful to be less than alright
i'm helping it pass by passing the time.
Who knew, soon as I lapse into myself and drop my little mask I find the most beautiful...i dont know,
this grandiose pure wonder of innocence and love.
I love public transportation
Miles and miles of perfect skin, hair like black feathers and a smile to kill
Straightforward;
"It makes me happy when people say hi to me"
crazy blue-white and gray days and purple sandy nights spotting boats on the horizon by looking beyond, sprinting down the sandy roads to avoid father-anger, in the wind
always cold
always happy and content and seeing you smiling down at me looking like the epitome of peace with half the beach in your hair and the other half in mine
it makes me feel so full, so purely alright that i felt i could never leave
it was so perfect, so
clean so reachable and comforting to know i could walk across the little thundering bridge and down the street
where i know you'd be
to get away from the house and my father and mother
i've never met someone who wonders about people like i do
watching the woman in the red dress
finding shoes on the point, a secret candy store in the back of a watersports building
i've never met someone so sincere, without all of these facetious put-ons, so perfect; god
your stories and ambitions crazy police cases
i miss you
i miss every single part of you
i miss every single part of that
youre perfect
you never really did dig the little things.
i dont know where to start, um
sunday rachel and I went to see harry potter. we're cool, HARRY POTTER ON A SUNDAY NIGHT YES
anyway met billy funny smoothie numbers etc cool guy
thursday was departmental awards, got the art award which was pretty kick butt
my parents were hoping for an academic award, though
friday renee's late birthday party, lots of trampolining and me avoiding getting wet
blah blah blur friends arbitrary acquaintance presenting projects free days sitting out on pavement nothing to eat
wednesday went to get smoothies with a couple people, walked downtown, had some fun, blah blah, beautiful day
janine and i went to movies and got in with billy for FREE and saw the worst movie EVER and made fun of it the whole time and we sat in the arcade and pretended to play the games only we had no money so we were driving during the demo screen deal.
we went to newbury as well and i got lots of happy cds.
then i...went home
EXCITING.
i...really dont remember what happened thursday
thats strange
oh god i know SOMETHING happened...damn.
anyway
six flags friday. creepy trucker with sexual gestures circled our bus and we called simmons (that was his truck) and they sent us to a home phone (???) so we called police and they said they couldnt do anything if he didnt "expose himself."
hm.
crazy rides. we do such strange things to ourselves to warp our perception of fun
though i must say i enjoyed the sensory overload of lights and sweet air and sweat.
we went into the beautiful waterpark with fake beach and foam lily pads
a synthetic wonderland. great
i must admit, i had fun
rode home in my wet shirt with ben jamming in the back and falling asleep sporadically
i dont know, the headache at the end of the day was worth it for brightly colored ice cream and a few hundred lost brain cells
and i managed not to win ANYTHING.
came home to d'anne and eric coming over so we had an amazing dinner and talked about all manners of things, it was great to see them again, real kickoff to summer
saturday was caitlin's party from 5-12
lots of smoking lots of pool lots of night lots of citronella and a blur of circle-wanting and driving m&ms in hot tub tequila hut "after all these nights with cold women and warm beer i wind up here in margarettaville"
so much happy cancer in this town
beautiful night, beautiful night
sunday i think is when i started...to go kind of crazy and began the insane cleaning spree
monday continued the spree and got jim with lots of conflict over here to try to make my computer happy, only it died so i ended up backing it up on 25 cds and f-disking. woo
then...i died
and cleaned
slept
woke up
cleaned
slept
woke up
cleaned
increased the you know what
slept woke up
cleaned
and i was just....dying...and it was bad
life is a dirty business
until somehow the failed plans of friday saved me
and after a really rough night...faint gleam of hope
i love you
sometimes the people you know for too long you know for just long enough
saturday went crazy shopping for soni gifts and felt like...a person again
at night went with rachel to the hatch shell in boston to see GLADYS KNIGHT for free WHO IS MY IDOL OH MY GOD
great night full of sweet smells of street vendors and dense crowds mixed with some vile exhaust
great music, great people, great evening full of gold light and golden-old-people and happy babies and surround sound (as stated by rachel) with all the beautiful voices around us singing along.
it was splendid and rachel is just the most beautiful person and she MAKES MY LIFE.
we went to dessert at the hard rock cafe afterwards but apparently their ice cream blew up, or something. we decoded the stained glass and ate crazy dessert fruit nacho cinnamon-ness.
and discussed nursery-rhyme style lyrics.
woo rachel.
then i..slept...
and woke way too early after a lot of...really scary nightmares involving me running away from a crazy masochistic sex house where they kill you and ending up driving through maine only i didnt know my way and got nauseated because i was lost.
so i ended up on this crazy ski lift where you just hung on with your hands for dear life only i had to save 2 records
i dropped one and had to run back to get it after i got off
then the crazy people working in the sadomasochistic sex house grabbed me and stabbed me to death only i was still alive so i was really scared. and then i woke up.
then i fell back asleep and had this beautiful dream about large vintage headphones secretly living and being beige in my cabinet downstairs. so i went down tonight and looked and there were large headphones, kind of like hard earmuffy things. only they were sort of new. and there were random beige ones on the table.
so now i listen to complex music that sends strands into my ears/head in a million directions.
today tierney and i went to bobs to enjoy the beautiful day tubing and kneeboarding and eating brownies and sitting on plush lawn with feet in cool water and head in the sky.
it was a beautiful day and i got to see meme and berra and danny and deryk as well, watch sun make silver linings and diamonds on the water. such richness
its just a barefoot type of place
tierney makes me happy
we did double kneeboarding and ate lots of pretty food and talked about things. and listened to old 90s songs we knew all the words to but didnt know the titles of because we were 8 or so when we first heard them.
right now, sean is making me happy with elephants and pogo sticks, soni got me through a few rough nights and is splendid for it, and i'm just happy i dont hate people.
things are tougher then.
trying...so hard to be tolerant
i'm melting away
wake clean sleep wake clean sleep
what is going on?
in life everybody worries a lot and that is wonderful. in life nobody ever gets what they want and that is beautiful
Well, here is my attempt to be coherent.
I dont remember what happened monday tuesday or wednesday except a lot of sleeping and a lot of watching pickup soccer. Thursday was senior recognition night which i went to with sean, and it was very nice and heartwrenching like a proper commencement ceremony should be.
We talked a bit and realized his father left.
Anyway, friday i actually took the bus home (gasp!) and decided to go back to school so i did and played soccer, figures all the varsity kids played that day.
I went home, took a shower, and went to graduation with Rachel & family. It was beautiful, sentimental and wonderful and soggy sobby happy grinning crazy throw-cap everything and i think i was more emotional inside than i shouldve been.
Saturday was driving around and going to Chris C's for his party, which was splendid and there were too many people to list. There was also a lot of smoking and a hobo and burning cactus and incense-bug-repellent and lanterns and crazy music and orgasm cake. And a bird pooped on my head. No seriously.
Sunday was big lit mag meeting @ chris' again, i did a ton of formatting while he went off to parties (??) and then we drove off to Rachel/Jason's for the party there and there was lots of happy nerdiness and rorsharch tests and a magic strawberry salad that was crazy good.
Then from there me and chris took a wonderful drive with the most gorgeous music and all the windows and the sunroof open to Dave's to meet up with em and chris k. who i hadnt seen in a long time, as well as caroline and danny mc.
Chris drove off and i was left with one of the most changed people i have ever laid eyes on. I dont know if i want to talk to chris k. again. The world has grown out of him.
I left and got home and collapsed.
After un-collapsing the next morning I...went to school. I was really tired so i dont really remember any of it.
And then
OH!
After school chris drove to school to pick up caitlin and I and we drove to his house to work on lit mag further, formatting and whatnot, we made a super-rhombus and read way too many puerile supernatural-myth books that chris has in his room for some reason.
Caitlin and I (er...caitlin) ate two full bags of potato chips. Not the happy mini this-is-my-portion size. The party bags.
Caitlin had to go leave to work at her job, so me and chris worked for a long time after that. And then we decided...lets not work anymore. Lets get ice cream instead. (woo hoo! thesis)
So we drove playing more amazing music with windows open (because thats how we always drive) to the golden spoon, where we found Caitlin cleaning up the cash register she exploded.
And we got free ice cream and sat on the hood of chris' car.
Then jen and sandra randomly drove up in this crazy topless car and laughed at us and then jen took pictures and they were all going to the beach and there was crazy calling/sealing of car/giggling/confetti throwing out windows
all in all i couldnt go to the beach so we drove to chris' again to get picked up by my parents, who drove me home, where i promptly collapsed again.
But before i collapsed I chopped all my hair off.
FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO GAVE ME A "OH MY GOD WHY DID YOU CHOP OFF YOUR HAIR" TODAY.
This is why. So you and your rhetorical questions can go be pissants together.
First off, my hair was a hassle. It took 24 hours down to dry. It now takes about 2. And it never looked very...tame. Not that this is bad, but it got to be a bit much.
Furthermore, what is a hassle to me is a gift to someone else. I donated my 10 inches of hair to Locks of Love, an organization that makes what are ordinarily $3000-$6000 wigs for children or adults who have lost hair in accidents or through cancer treatment, permanently. It seems to be a simple choice; what I can easily live without, and may prefer living without, will help another person just as important be happier with themselves.
I also really like the word "tuft".
Lastly, I cut it off because I had been thinking about it for a long time, hair grows back, and I wanted to.
How happy.
But on another note, thank you to those of you who gave me compliments on it, etc. You dont need to and I know that.
Moving on,
today (phew!) was Tuesday, my brother went into school as wolverine, i presented a project about AIDS and felt saddened&put into perspective, etc, drifted through day, etc. @ the end of the school day I went to politics club, which was rather useless and amusing, then went home with my brother.
I took the most amazing shower (my head didnt weight 23897410231390487120934781234pounds anymore!) and felt happy and pure and clean. And then i decided to go sailing.
So we drove up to worcester and i went with mike and we sailed and raced and came in 2nd out of the 3, and the ones that beat us were these college kids who race winter and summer and are some very crazy cats.
It was beautiful and I love seeing the sail linens in late evening light, everything is pure and smooth. The water was beautiful, the air was beautiful. The night was beautiful.
We sailed around with the crew till it began to get dark, and then we headed in and tied up everything on the dock and in the pretty little building. Then we went and had drinks on the lit dock at vinnies, to celebrate, and talk about whatever-his-name-is' phDs and sailing and life and the way wind feels in your ears.
I came home maybe an hour ago, I feel content, sleepy, strange. Every night is a new night, every word is an old word and every sentence is in new context. I feel so much better.
And after all this i still havent called rostislav. oh damn.
you are a mushroom cloud.
you are my dramatist. but you were never mine, thank god, i would never want you to be mine. that way i never misplaced you.
i miss you. i dont know you enough to love you, i'm glad. i would never want to know you, you are such a bastard.
but youre a beautiful bastard
and i held on just long enough to see your pretty face a while longer.
all your reclusiveness and shadiness
bad influence
you catalyst, you horrible integral part of me realizing i am so so young. i miss you.
all i want is one more bit of time, one walk, where we can be and maybe talk about the pope and not be shooting at eachother's faults
i just want to say goodbye to you, maybe a kiss, a bit of something
to tie a tourniquet with and cut off the arm that you spoiled with your gangrene beauty.
you are such a disease, you make everything so goddamn beautiful and painful.
i'll never see you again.
all i want is one more bit of time to maybe not say anything and just
to realize that this is my one more bit of time.
i saw you today;
you probably didn't see me, or notice me,
or realize i noticed you.
but a while after i passed by you i realized that this was probably the last time,
and that the last time would be a time where i pretended not to see you.
its pathetic, just like the little epic poem of this year ran out, and filled me with disease and you with something akin to confidence.
i dont hate you. i never could. i dont have that sort of passion, you know that.
in all honesty i cant even cry over this, the most i can do
is write you a letter i know you will read
and probably not know is about you,
or know is about you and give you more of that something that makes your eyes open wide when you're berating someone
i'll just miss you for a bit, and running with this cliche
i'll never forget you
for selfish reasons
i'll never forget you because of the little dramatist part you played in my life
not because youre a beautiful bastard or made me a weaker person for writing this
i miss you
and i just want to have a defined end
you know where i always am, sitting playing in circles the same things over
i'll never write a song
especially to escape from this loop.
love, elise.
l'rostislav. 
i. insist. that it dont get better than this. and i can wear my heart on my sleeve and all that jazz.
thursday i decided on an excursion so we listened to rjd2 and drove off in chris' van with jim to go to a used book store liquidating its stock for one dollar per bag-of-books
i picked up some beautiful things
it was a beautiful green-and-blue day where everyone's hair was flyaway and i could feel everything
and ended up having a lot of explaining to do
friday i was after and caitlin k. gen aitkin mandy and I went off to see shrek 2 in bellingham, and i bought millions of dollars of cds and it was lovely and we helped aitkin decide on his spawn figurine.
Mandy bought moxy fruvous (ha!) and i stuck my stuff in aitkins car and we bought tons of popcorn and sat in the front row of the theater and got neckaches and etc
met strange clingy people outside the building, tried to find aitkins car, finally did, got stuff to leave, and then aitkin + caitlin + gen arrived
so me and mandy drove home with beth and i had to run out of my car
saturday i woke up early, cleaned my room a bit, + got picked up by mandy's parents to go to the fleet station, pick up rachel (older one) and we drove to the T station, waited there a bit for the train, and i froze my butt off.
but its okay and we rode the train and no one charged us and i was people watching and it was really lovely, riding the train into boston with all these people with all these stories i dont know.
we got to south station and had a quasi-breakfast and went down to the subway and took about 45 minutes to find the right terminal, only it turns out we had the right one first off but this lady gave us bad advice. so we asked the token lady who sent us back where we started.
we headed off towards kendall and got off on the right spot after observing quite a few really strange people, walked a few blocks (yay for mandy's navigational skills) and approached the massively pink garment district building. and it was crazyness.
the highlights were probably trying on a massive one-piece mechanic suit and the gorgeous dressing-room guy saying it was hot, or maybe the toy cow having sex with the toy giraffe or whatever it was. or maybe the scary lady with the bouffant. or picking out a massive grotesquely ugly pink frilly lacy dress with a massive hot-pink satin bow on the back for knox.
i dont know.
it all was pretty awesome.
so we buy lots of things including happy puddlejumping boots for moi and an "i love it" pin for mandy (i LOVE it! aw. it doesnt sound the same without the mand-intonation)
and leave and walk towards the terminal.
we wait for our subway train, and i finally realized where the strange drifting clicking beautiful music was coming from.
there were these massive metal pipes and loops and hammers attached between the two train tracks, so every time a train comes by it begins a whole new set of notes. and theyre never discordant.
it was the most beautiful thing, and i almost didnt want to leave. but we did.
so we get to south station and are eating snacks waiting for our train to arrive and the most beautiful, flawless, god-like boy walks in, and i'm absolutely stunned. and i cant let the opportunity go. and mandy is like NO. YOURE SO EMBARASSING. etc etc. and i felt bad, but i said what the hell. and i went up to him and talked to him.
We got into a long conversation, and i learned his name was Rostislav and he was from Russia (he was speaking in demi-broken english the whole time) and he is just visiting boston from new york, where he lives. He was immensely interesting and followed me around a bit (and kind of sketched me out but hey) and wrote his number name and address on half of my au bon pain receipt. and asked me for mine. and because i'm really easy to sketch out i just gave him my cell. which hasnt been on since that day.
but i still want to just corner the man.
anyway, he was a gentleman and as sweet as could be and hopefully we're going to the metro in a few weeks. if somehow i can sneak out again.
i helped him find what train he was on, and it turned out he was on ours!
so i brought him over to the table where mandy&rachel were and we talked etc etc and then realized our train was boarding.
so we SPRINTED out and boarded the train last minute and talked the entire ride and got really weird glances from lots of people sitting near us and i had an eye conversation with this lady with bright red shoes.
we also completely forgot to pay attention to the stops going by, but a lady was nice enough to overhear us panicking and told us where we were. we needed to get off soon, so rostislav told me to call him friday to plan something and we all shook hands (?? difference in cultures) and we left and he waved out the window to us as the train pulled away.
and we were left stunned at the strange and beautiful russian man who had just passed through our lives and left on a train waving in the window.
what a day.
i slept a lot and got up early to make cupcakes. so i did, and the aromas drifted around in curls of chocolate and vanilla and flour and i felt like i lived in one of those little bubbles in the cake. pleasant and warm and nice and sweet.
i frosted all 20something of them and helped my mother preparing for the cookout/reunion/thing and people began to arrive.
i felt so subservient but it was alright. i didnt talk much. especially when almost all my relatives started bashing gay marriage, complaining about how people get away with too much, then complaining about traffic restrictions and laws and how people get away with too little. i was just left boiling in my seat to take in the trash and remnants of the animals they didnt eat.
after that day, i really needed time to myself, so i changed into sweats and did a little reading, went to bed early. and slept deeply.
i've needed so much sleep lately.
i woke up in the morning ready to clean my room and i started, but i only made a mess of my floor. then em called and i went off to the pool with her rachel and renee. it was alright, the sun felt like liquid happy cancer and i felt radioactive and exposed like i wanted to punch someone and tell them i loved them.
it was the final day of may and it felt strange to be in some red excuse for a bathing suit and feeling water through my toes.
i need the world to slow down, i'm not maturing with it fast enough. instead i'm becoming quieter and more shallow.
but the world has more concerns than me.
i got home and did all my art drawings and felt drained. so i showered, took a bath, smelled like bergamot and tangerine, talked to keody a bit, and went to bed early. and slept and slept and dreamed the strangest things about some of the seniors graduating.
i dreamed aleks had gotten into a car accident and was in a coma, but all his hair was shaved off and i visited him in the hospital and he woke up and choked me and then in that effort had cardiac arrest and then i ran away. and in the process of running away jen stopped me by pulling up in a riverboat as a gondolier, and said, you cant go this way. its wrong. turn back. wrong passage. turn back. (and repeated this over and over). then i realized she was a robot and found the real jen was next to me, saying, dont get kidnapped. dont get kidnapped. (over and over) and i realized the other jen wasnt a robot, that there are just two very determined jens. so i left my riverboat/subway train and got shot in the chest on a strange carnival-main-street by chris, who was an explosion of color, then all i saw was black, a tiny little pinpoint of light, the note you hear when your ears ring, and i woke up.
i have felt sick ever since this morning and i'm trying not to show it.
i think i am disappearing, someone told me i looked ridiculously skinny today, another asked me if i was eating, another told me i was wasting away to nothing.
i feel sick and a lot of loud noises or bright colors are disturbing me.
i feel like i'm biting my bones and that i'm going to crumble.
all i want to do is sleep.
and scream that everyone should have lots of sex all the time.
today i stared at blank ivory pages for hours and hours
deduced beauty is power and confidence and the ability to step on people's hearts
reconciled with disgusting phallic peers
and sat outside alone under a heavy purple-sounding sky to watch the gracefuls play soccer on a supersaturated field.
this year is over, this world is over, i need clean i need dark i need rough.
i do not miss anybody.
sometimes i wonder if someone will ever write a song about me, immortalize me in some bit of artistic qualm.
i almost wish someone would, if only to be remembered. its a strange feeling, not being in anyones mind but ones own.
maybe i dont exist. i only exist on paper, where i write my name and where you give me an A.
and i have a feeling you are all you know!
ive decided not to deal with histrionic people and their mock leave-me-alone-but-fawn-over-me false actions and planned reactions. it feels pleasant and free. like i have cut all my phlanges off because someone had tied strings to all of them. i am happy, because i cant bring myself to love and cannot bring myself to hate. soon i will be free from all of this and free to fully exercise all the chemicals and cellular reactions in my body to create something beautiful. soon i will be alone, i am not the type of person happy to be sought after. i find that the more humans complain about someone, the more they see in that someone themself. and it is useful to double-check ones thoughts.
the world is systematic, me and my classical thinking have turned me from romantic goethe to systematic immanuel kant, i am seeing the world for what it is, and my mental seratonin can take the piss all it wants. i'll remain the epitome of myself, for nothing can change what myself is, i cant get away from it. if it changes, it still remains. these generic pronouns have paved the way for circular conversations.
there is something in this world for material existentialists, there is nothing in this world for people who can't handle their own chemicals or the thought of a galaxy emitting light that takes 9 billion light years to reach our telescopes thousands of miles from here.
i CREATE things
i dont really remember much of anything...hm.
we made it to finals thursday and did really badly, um
friday my g-mas surprise party and it was nice and dan had funny hair and deb got all perturbed about a buffet concert.
meme was happy
it was happy.
and i stole sixmillion pretty keno cards!
more like 2
but still
early in the morning i dressed in the dark and tripped over the messes and piles in my room and headed out to pick up rachel with nate in the car at 5:30 in the morning
we went to the school and met up with ben kyle ethan kevin mike etc etc and it was raining
jonesy drove off to go wake nic up
and eventually we got rolling
drove to boston, crazyness, blah blah
competition
weird girl in large green wig
"we sell autio!"
spitting off balcony
running in sketchy corridors
allie came, which was nice
we sat on the balcony a million feet up
i should post pictures
had gardenburgers in the library
looked at weird painting
got people walking in circles doing kneebends
hung out in college bookshop, read, bought books
talked with guys
went back to arena
got picked up by soni
dragged stuff out to car, jumped in @ intersection and drove away to marblehead!
when we got to her house we picked up theo first and when i got inside there were all these beautiful things, paintings and little trinkets and odd furniture and peeling ceilings. tiny people sitting on windowsills and a transparent fish in a corner. i dropped my stuff off in her lovely room and
we decided to go out to eat in this little strange ambiguous asian place
the waitress put glenn's napkin on his lap
we talked about lots of funny things
ate lots of scallion pancakes and i tried thai pad.
felt full and happy
went home, tried to watch X files but got all scared, watched girl with a pearl earring
(it was splended)
every scene looked like a painting.
we went up to sonis room and talked till midnight and drifted off to sleep after blanketing the budgies.
in the morning i woke up early, and looked at everything from the exact same vantage point in the room
heard the budgies make funny waking-up noises and read all the book titles and examined the woodgrain in the floor
after a few hours soni got up and we took showers and had cake for breakfast and made fun of the whistling teapot and put our shoes on and searched for safety pins and went out!
we walked and played with puddles and named them according to body-part size and got to the beach
and on the swingsets it felt like you were swinging into nothing, that this was the end of the world and the white dry fog was the color of the void.
we stood and collected tree-rain from the flower tree and sat on picnic tables and got giovanni the rock
we then walked down to lots of art galleries
went to a toy store, played for 29387410291870341234 hours
and visited a used book store, and read all the little cover-notes and soni found a hundred year old newspaper clipping
it smelled like musty heaven and we explored downstairs and there were lots of strange old childrens books
i bought 2 novels, one authorless
and they told us to come back at 3 for a poetry reading!
so we were like
woosh!
and we walked and visited the acorn, there were tons of lovely paint gobs everywhere and a wireframe-and-newspaper man in the window and face paintings on the walls and cubbys with canvases and a sign that says "PLEASE DONT TAKE PICTURES OF US our parents dont want you to. -children of the acorn"
we heard a strange jingling noise and saw a duck
so we investigated and there was a random large man
pulling HUGE brass bells out of the trunk of his car and just
standing there, shaking them...
we then went and sat on the dock, thinking, talking. and a strange old man in a bright red coat with a strange epileptic dog walked over and was like CAN I JOIN YOU
and then he just stood there
for a while
and yelled at people in boats
and then he said
something along the lines of, i'm off, nice meeting you, partner
and walked away with his little epileptic dog
and we sat for a while and decided it was time to get away from the dock.
we ate lunch at the driftwood, a strange little crooked peely-paint place with amazing huge-food and we had little fried dough biscuits and there were lots of beautiful conversations and happy children
"i'm hungy"
"you are?"
"i ARE"
we smiled and laughed and listened and ate and it was really nice.
after this we walked around a bit and realized it was THREE!
we went and saw the poetry reading and there was beer and wine but we refrained and went downstairs and looked at more books, and came upstairs and it started and
this man read the grittiest and oldest oxidized sounding poetry ever, about strange things like
hobo trains and
rejected boxers.
it was beautiful and he was strange
and wore a tee shirt with a suit
we went to crosby's and bought gummy things and a nectarine
and met the cat that was sitting in the show-window of the oriental rug store
we named him oliver
though we really had no right to
and talked to him and played with him and he was obsessing with our bag
(oliver)
and he was a nice and weird kit.
we walked home, rested on benches where our feet didnt touch the ground, blew lots of dandilions, saw lots of "PLEASE" street signs, couldnt figure out what they were for
other than courtesy
got home tired and weary-footed.
had lovely dinner
talked about sexual donut art
lots of laughing lots of happy lots of interesting.
and it was time for me to go,
so i packed up
and we loaded up
and drove to some arbitrary meeting place
and then i was home
and worked till 2 in the morning
and collapsed into bed
to continue walking-sleeping all of today.
today was nice, finn wore his prettie coat.
saw mandy but didnt get to talk much
faded in and out of all my academics, only really interesting discussing french revolution
looked forward to going home and doing work
(what is this?!)
came home, showered, put on sweats
was happy and wrote and wrote and wrote.
i'm estranged from myself
i want to weigh 3 pounds.
"whiney weed."
aaaaah! crazy.
so much has happened, i've been so busy
i feel like i havent been living
ive just been working and existing
the following is just for my memory sort of chronicle purposes
its not remotely interesting, sorry
thought i might warn you from now on
on sunday i went to rehearsal after finishing my crazy 2500 word essay
it was awesome but we didnt get much done
well yes we did
but we still hadnt practiced at all with 2 guard characters (blocking was tough but they didnt have any lines.)
chris c. and i drove around with all the windows down and everything blowing everywhere listening to the summer make good album which was beautiful and i felt okay for the first time in a long time
i got home knowing i hadnt done most of my work and the world was kind of all navy blue and contrast
monday was tests for geometry and testing the engineering project car with andrew
and the essay was due
and i had rehearsal till 6 o clock
aitken cheered me up, which was sweet
ran through lines with john, he was a great sherakan
it was nice though
tuesday kind of
floated by me
all the sudden it was art and i was drawing my ugly man drawing and then the day was over
and the preparations started
caitlin k and i talked a lot, ate a lot of candy bars
lots of food in drama room
i ate somewhere around 7 nectarines that night
talked a lot with john and aitken etc etc everyone etc
crazyness
and the clocks rotated
and valerie really wanted to see it go around fast
and it did
and she was happy
we rehearsed and chris c. was being kind of scary and
it was okay though because we were all stressed
practiced blocking with the guys
somehow the night floated down to 630 and caitlin and i walked through the audience
saw finn, he said he needed to talk to me
i faked the fool and asked him about what
ahh so easy
we got front row seats, saw a lot of people we knew
caitlin got lots of weird looks from her old-person makeup
miles and anthony did their amazing fight sequence which got rave reviews and made the entire crowd smile and laugh and feel stupid for laughing
jungalbook was great, everyone remembered their lines, it was awesome.
and aleks blew me out of the water, he was superb.
so was tierney, janine, john, aitken, emmy, everyone. wild.
next was sure thing
which was hilarious
john directed that (figures)
intermission came, we congratulated everyone, blah blah
we had to go backstage
listened to gorski's play through the curtain
caitlin s. was just amazing
and kayla was perfect
we
rehearsed lines, i panicked, ran back to get script, was okay
fiddled with oscilloscope
talked to ellam and steve and they calmed us down and we all had lots of hugs and liz is a dear and knew all jeff's lines and just rocks my socks off
ellam's an evil scientist having his period.
after gorskis was done, there was intermission (we didnt realize!) so i panicked etc etc
and we set up the set
i was super nervous
and bam
we were on
it was thrilling and i think i'm addicted and i wasnt even very integral in the plot.
well you know.
first play ever, it was amazing
the lights got a bit fouled up but its alright
i think people liked it.
man, this whole ordeal was so worthwhile.
it was just crazyness.
and i feel so much more like a myself.
to purge myself of this weird quasiself character.
so after our play aitken gave me lots of hugs and we went and sat in the front row and everyone was congratulatory and it was really sweet and simultaneously embarassing and lovely
we watched val's play that she/her acting class wrote, blackout
it was one of the most beautiful, touching, thought-provoking, well executed things ive ever experienced.
everyone was just...brilliant
i was sobbing horribly and aitken was nice about it
and then...
the night was over
and we cleaned up the drama room
and we got hugs from everyone
and tears from everyone
and flowers
and compliments
and crazyness
and i had officially been at the school for 15 hours straight
i drove home
had no energy
and collapsed in bed
still thinking in my weird totalitarian lines
and dreamed of a strange place where everything was in shades of white and yellow.
today felt like a non-day
it felt so much...less
like nothing really mattered
like i had no lead weights on every phlange anymore
i feel like i have some sort of shell, now
a little experience to put in my experience chest can keep me immune to all this negativity because i have something, i have this! i did that.
i had a we, i was part of a "we" at some point
i feel invincible.
again, i floated through the day
all academics, i dont care
yawned my way through classes
did my work
did my social necessities
after school was the engineering competition
aleks was nice enough to not bite off my head when i couldnt go to the guitar lesson
i really hope we can get together sometime over the summer, however
so we went to the first floor for the contest
after a lot of screwups with the wiring on the electronics in our car
/traction /batteries
we had a perfect last round
and made it to finals, which are tomorrow
and hopefully we're going to boston university.
after this i went home
dazed through my homework
read a lot
finished 1984
found out friend is getting married (!!!)
was really happy rest of night
went with dad to random creepy car place where we thought something was wrong and police were coming
all the doors were open, and it was all dark inside
turns out the guy was closing up
we checked out some cars and
some guys drove by in a car with all its windows cracked out blasting the most amazing gritty latin music and
it echoed over all the disgusting new cars
and they smiled at me
and i think i smiled back
i dont know
i think i was already smiling
i need to stop writing journal entries with line breaks
i'm such an enter key whore
have to stop this...
i need punctuation and capitalization and all that jazz too
i'm not going to be home this weekend almost at all
means i have to finish my immediate-future-life by thursday
crazyness
worth it for beach adventures and the city, though
gnight love
satan! has your nose!
i dont really remember much of this week
uhh
except that it has been superhectic and quasi enjoyable sort of
um
wednesday...work
lots more work
and then working
and then practice
then working
then andrews, to work.
thursday was completely insane
all academics
two quizzes
test
mandatory robotics meeting after school
play rehearsal
right after that, andrews to work on engineering
then art show
helping parents with rosebushes
finishing 293874209124hours of homework
friday, leave school right after
hair done
had three girls working on it at the same time because they said they couldnt get it done in an hour and i have three peoples' worth of hair
so they gave me a towel to cover my face while they surrounded me with hairspray and scary curling iron poky things
and an hour later i got charged for three hairdos (??? not fair)
drove quick to ems, got ready,
huge amount of parents/kids/photos/crazyness/stilettos sinking into lawn/us being late
we got there, finn looked awesome
he wore his kickass corderoy jacket that makes him look jolly and european and awesome
and he wore a green tie so he actually made an effort to match
which was sweet
we went inside, sonnenburg poked fun at us
things were awkward but
in general the night was really nice
me and finn were bitter and cynical the whole time because thats how we are but we loosened up
there almost was a jim bust
finn wore a tee shirt under his dress shirt with the chemical equasion for why hot chili peppers are hot
somehow janine dragged me onto the dance floor and wouldnt let me go and it was really amusing and scary
but janine makes me wicked happy anyway for just blagh shes so happy la etc.
sean wore his bowler derby and bow tie, looked smashing (!)
finn and i got pictures, was supremely uncomfortable
he needed something to swish
we almost left
but then got all weirded out and came back in
we did lots of white people dancing mockery and it was lots of fun
and talked about grundlebeard the pirate
and on the road
and other sorts of things
and it was a pretty kickin time, for two people who really arent dance people.
finn makes me happy.
i crashed at ems around midnight and left around quarter of 9 in the morning for knox' where i had a little food and worked on the engineering project due wednesday, from there i went to the school to rehearse for the one-acts that happen on tuesday, and after this i went home and did 4.5 hours of homework and then caitlin k. called
so we drove off to see cinderella with gen b. and it was really elaborate and whimsical and taoist and material. and lovely.
the singing was marginal and i think the person who played portia shouldve been cinderella, but it was amazing anyway and the prince just rocked to high heaven.
i need a prince who can pull off a white tux like that.
that was a lot of fun, and we chatted during intermission and had baby waters and lots of soccer-mom cookies and saw sean r. and etc etc.
it ended really late but was really great
so we drove home
i talked to a couple people
and then i fell asleep and had
more than 3 hours of sleep in one night
which is a first for the last few days.
but now i'm writing an essay
i'm on my 5th page.
too bad its supposed to be like 8
but thats okay.
i want to sleep.
i need to work.
(conflicting interests)
i've been thinking about a lot of things and i've decided that its okay that i keep living my life thinking OKAY NEXT WEEK WILL BE BETTER AND LESS STRESSFUL.
because occasionally one will be, and then things will be nice.
i've also decided that when i get rid of my ugly 14 number and switch it for 15
i want to have a beautiful night
where I and someone i enjoy the company of
go to the state park and sit on the dam and watch the sun
and as it sets, all the other people i enjoy the company of (this list has pleasantly grown recently)
would arrive, and we would stargaze.
then we would walk to someones house, where we would have a campfire
the type of campfire that has the little cinders that swirl up out of it
and make streaks in your eyes sort of like long exposure photos
we would sit and talk and chat and listen to cicadas and crickets
no one would have any cameras
no one would have any pencils
no one would have any guitars
no one would be over 20
and then we would drive to the T, which we would ride into boston at ungodly hours of the night
to go to some strange arbitrary restaurant
and watch street performers
and at the end of it all i could crash at someones house and feel happy that i wasnt an ugly number anymore and that i'm one step closer and there are people and things in the world i enjoy.
i spend too much time dreaming
no,
i spend too much time complaining
but things are one more step towards over.
elise: i wish i was hardcore enough to surround things with Xs.
aleks: i got shot, im so xscenex, fuck off, i'll kill you and your fucking little pussy dog (if you have one), xEDGE PRIDEx, join the boyscouts!
crazyness ahhh (explodes)
OKAY
i needed an adventure monday and the schoolday went by fast even though the subjects sucked so i decided to announce i was going for smoothies and anyone who wanted to come could, and so me and em were going and then mandy decided to go and then aitken was like i'll drive and then aleks tagged along too
so we drove to the gourmet and got lovely frothy things and whatnot and mooed with aitkens new car horn at people on the sidewalks
aleks wore aitkens cowboy hat and mandy found the supercake tin from the party 23987298710293471234days ago and we went back and aitken went to go paint his carebear (wow thats so fun to say) and etc and then
mandy and i decided to go lay on the bench thing outside and look at clouds and
mandy found a wooly mammoth comb (???) and i'm like look its a cloud that looks like a cloud and shes like YEAH
and then we found a sort of six legged upside down dinosaur thing
and then there was this really weird UFO in a literal unidentifiable flying sense and it was really strange and i almost fell off the bench.
then i went to get accessories and feel like an idiot girl when shoe shopping because people give you funny looks when you walk into some chic shoe store with these bowling shoes falling apart
then i went to lindas and then i went home and was panicking because zach and chris couldnt get rides down to here for friday,
and i decided to take a walk for a couple of hours
on my return
katie is freaking out at me telling me to ask jonesy
after a long time me and jonesy were going and then we werent and then we might and then he called nate and things got weird and i didnt want to make things more awkward so after 123847102938471023947(arbitrary numbers here) hours i'm going with the most super awesome person ever. and i couldnt imagine going with anyone else. and we are just going to rock the socks off the freshmen class.
and now i can be excited and all that.
anyway i did a lot of reading when i got home and absolutely no homework and called finn and then went to sleep only i didnt sleep i just kind of sat there but i think thats what passes for sleeping these days
and then in the morning i watched the sunrise and sat in my windowsill but then a bird almost flew in so i had to go inside.
and i realized i was late.
so i rushed out
and listened to jazz and read even more in the morning and
had a really fast day
took another nap in the meadow at lunch with my new old-person's-uncomfortable-pillow type purse
people took my camera and now i have 8 pictures of matt's foot
and some other interesting things like a really bad wannabe stock photo of my crayons in the grass
and now my crayons are all unrainbowed
but i like rainbowing them
so its okay.
i feel really simple lately
really dim and distant and its comfortable and its like my body is one size too big so i'm floating around inside myself and banging against the walls
its really pleasant
art class was nice, we made labels
and then used the photocopier
and stapled paper to the walls
and i had an embarassing announcement about me in the morning
but no one listens to the morning announcements
except maybe becker and megan who congratulated me
which made me smile
i need to stop writing such longwinded entries
about absolutely nothing
but anyway, continuing
i went to the robotics meeting but only for 15 minutes because i had rehearsal at 2 and rehearsal was nice but we kept talking ourselves in circles because there is this one spot that if you dont say part of the line its an entirely different cue that goes to the beginning of the part.
and its really confusing and scary
after rehearsal i called my mum to pick me up and when i was waiting went into the auditorium to watch the other play's rehearsal, and everyone was great, and me and mandy kept making tiny funny squeaking farting noises with our mouths and then laughing for about 10 minutes
and that was the extent of our conversation
and doesnt that make me feel intelligent
i went home and tried on the dress with the shoes and now we dont have to hem it etc so that was fine, i went to do my homework and couldnt concentrate so took another walk for a few hours and thought about a lot of things and realized how much work i have to do and panicked.
i need to stop panicking about these sorts of things that wont matter a few months from now.
i got home did tons of homework and i'm still not done and i'm writing an email to my teacher for extra time because i need to be sixmillion places this week like every week but now its just kind of getting to be a tad too much and that was one hell of a run on sentence
AND THIS WHOLE ENTRY IS UNINTERESTING AND I PROBABLY SHOULDVE WRITTEN THAT AT THE TOP BUT PSHAW THIS THING IS FOR MYSELF. youre just a false initiative to keep me writing and off my lazy bum.
just kidding love
(?)
where I am.
I feel successful I feel like an entity for once.
Things have been crazy.
after my pale languid day yesterday
I came home and watched white oleander and finished it at one in the morning, when I went outside
to look at the stars and feel the happiness of the new grass in my toes
it was beautiful, and
I went inside and fell asleep on top of my bed.
I woke up early in the morning over a period of about 5 hours
put on pants
tied up hair
went to knox's where we worked on building the car,
and his parents left and we used the drill press and I felt macho
and then we drove to 2982374019238741234million hobby shops and radio shacks and we couldn't find a timer so we went to k-mart and found one of those dogs that you pull the tail and it has like a vibrating seizure
so we did that for our timer and then we went out to lunch at the gourmet
and drove him home
at this point I was late so I rushed home and put on a skirt and went to the congressional art show in marlborough to meet chris c. and see the competitors
I saw my piece on the wall and it looked like nothing compared to some of the beautiful art there
but anyway
I saw chris, we walked around and discussed the paintings and sketches and photos and bad photomanips and etc
and then a crowd started to form and it wasnt because of the hors d'ouveres
and it turned out they were announcing the winners
so categories went by, including photography
I didnt even get an honorable mention
and another category came up, and it turned out it was digital art
and they read the first place winner, who I didnt hear
and then I hear
"Second Place...Sonia"
and I was like
...what?
because originally the title was like a 29 line poem and I shortened it to sonia for form space purposes etc and so I went up and got the ribbon and certificate and shook mcgovern's hand etc etc.
so...second place
for the first thing ive entered
i'm really happy
for this little happy glory that ive won.
strange.
now I dont know what to do with myself
so anyway after the rest of the winners were announced
me and chris went out to eat at this gritty little irish place in town and it was lovely, and we talked a lot and got made fun of by this waitress who we were trying to figure out where she was from, she had the most lovely accent
we had cake and she gave chris a fork because he was skinny
and then we finished and went outside
I fell over a parking slab thing
and it was graceful and funny because I had a white skirt on and it was just plop...dirt
and I hadnt done that in like
4 years
but anyway
we talked about a lot of things
and it was really beautiful
and the sun had begun to make funny frothy colors out of the clouds
and then we went home
and then I slept
and that was all
I felt kind of pleasant and antisocial
like now I can actually say I sit home on friday nights and watch movies
and sleep on saturday nights
I woke up this morning
and the world was on my mind
I had surreal nonobjective dreams where there was this generic-color that I KNEW was a new color
and I cant remember it because new colors dont exist
and that was the extent of the dream
I got dressed
we took the mothers out to dinner/lunch/thing
to this little demi-chinese food place called cheng du
that I love
and they all know us there
we all got the buffet and talked about weird things like how nate is james bond and fortune cookies and bob's funny photo habits
and then I went home
and did 8 hours of homework
4 pages of essay
13 pages of notes
293874029187203918720934 math problems
and now i'm dead
and tomorrow will be easy
and today was just such a weekend I dont know what to do with myself.
I feel more like a myself than I ever have, its strange how people have been describing me lately
we are all so vain, we love to hear about ourselves but
something I find consistent with the older people I know is that
they regard me as something different
jens mother said, "oh, youre still very young then!" upon hearing my ugly little number of age
and jen goes
"But elise is...old"
and yesterday,
chris just started shaking his head
when I was totaling the bill
and he called me a mix up,
he said
you know that you arent 14
and I felt
like I knew I wasnt 14.
only in a lot of ways, I am.
I dont know what I am.
i'm not a number.
thats all, really.
People dont tell me,
you seem older
you act older
you dont seem your age
they tell me,
no, youre 16
or
no, youre 17.
no, you arent 14. you know that.
a very direct
linear
no
and I feel so strange about that.
yes, and thanks. for the trouble you took from her eyes. i thought it was there for good. so i never tried.
today was utterly beautiful
i woke up walked around
got to school
did all work and things
at 10:45 me and rachel began our walk downtown to get a picnic and picked up a lot of people on the way, chris a. matt em andrew forbes dan renee curran chris c. mikey etc etc etc
and we got food at the grocery, a veritable feast
and walked with the sun and wind upon our skin
and got to the common, and had our food and sat
in the shade of a tree
enjoying the new green and blues of the world this time and place
then someone noticed i had bought a little bag of the most beautiful balloons
then came a water balloon fight
in the middle of town
we used a spigot on the back of someones house and the bubbler near the fountain
and everyone got soaked
and forbes and i were at war
and me and em had to take one of our shirts off because we were so hot but our shirts under them were white so we made a club
and everyone was wet
and everyone was happy
and things were beautiful
then me and rachel ran to her house
where we put our clothes in the dryer and went and sat on her roof
enjoyed the sun, the warmth
and dried
and went down and i was in rachels clothes because mine were drying and we looked through yearbooks
and layed in the grass
and talked about things
like how easy it is
and complexity of dandelion parachutes
i watched a beautiful hinge legged spider with black and yellow spin webs between delicate arcs of grass
it was so tiny, so threaded, so wonderful in its complicated and intuitive nature
i felt free and happy
and surrounded by things i could love
then our clothes were out of the dryer and we went to the grand march
all i have to say is
i know some of the most beautiful people, inside and out
things worked out for mandy
janine was stunning
bri was prom princess and dan was prom prince, which was awesome
and jones was prom king
and my brother and his date were lovely.
and this is me saying this, of all people.
it made me so happy to see these men and women so happy to see these other sets of men and women. to be at this little commemoration point that is supposed to be this climax of their high school career, to be at the pinnacle of their being and to have grown into themselves.
it was very beautiful.
we drove rachel home, and after this i talked to photographer bob and he wants some of my photos, talked to ms knox about tomorrow morning, made plans, went home, and took a 4 hour walk to see the sunset in its birth and pinnacle of its being and it dying in stunning shines of amber through the languid sinewy tangle of black trees that surrounds my world. and i was happy
today was quite a day
tomorrow will be quite a day
every day is quite a day and i thought i would be used to this and predicting it by now.
aaah!!! janine love!
alsdkfmpqweimropqwimasvaqwerqowiemrpoimdfasrewr flowers
and traveling drama troupe and i talked to them and it made me daydream about my future
and drawing outside and sitting in mud
and 5 year old looking tulips and complete crazyness and finally getting my lab done and frisbee and
my friends abstaining and being sane again and
everyone becoming clean and
breakfast with the freshman and
mandy quite possibly being my cotillion date and
young love and
it was beautiful and shiny today and
i need to get out of this woooorllld! ah.
fantastic jazz hand epilepsy world where everything is
BAM! IN YOUR FACE!
i need some calm place where i can go eat burritos with friends and lay in hammocks in sundresses.
me and chris c. are hopefully amending the plans and still going to the ceremony
tomorrow is half day
i'm trying to make everything work
i had a random memory that made me smile today
when trying to figure out how to say "we hug eachother"
i go to ahmed
"what does abrazarnos mean"
and after about 10 minutes of laughing he goes
its a command
it means HUG US
if i was plural i'd tell the world ABRAZARNOS!
but i'm not but its okay.
....
okey. bye.
feet get dirty
i keep telling myself this is THE WEEK TO GET THROUGH
and if I GET THROUGH THIS WEEK then i'll be okay
and this has been going on for 2 months
i cracked today
yesterday i saw my brother and rousseau saving the bulbs that wouldve been obliterated because of the new trees
i didnt hear the announcement but i wanted to help so i watered the ones in the art room
its wonderful that theyre doing that
it sickens me that no one else wouldve
somewhere in all of this i've had a lot go on
i've been quiet and distant and people keep looking at me like i'm crying
i felt out of place
i wore a sundress and pants because i needed it to get me through the day
and the little things people said, some people i didnt even know
were enough to keep me going in my petty i think i can way.
i have never felt so abhorrent for this long
chris and i's museum plans fell through
i missed rehearsal today, ended up getting canceled
my faithful backpack broke and doesnt zip anymore
ms russell forgot about me and told me so and now my lab is late
i took a quiz that i bullshitted the entire way through
i went to a political debate and both the conservatives and liberals concentrated on the negative
maybe i should wear lots of black eye makeup and cuffs and become some stupid little angsty child that everyone wants to break. ha. hah.
no
i'm tired of this
my life is great
i dont know what i'm complaining about.
jeff in a cowboy hat looks like an angry kid whos sister dressed him up and is trying to make him have tea
janine and her random dresses make me wicked happy
mandy isnt coherent without her coffee and she contradicted herself for 5 minutes straight making both of us late for class this morning
chris' mouth looks the same upside-down and right side up if you sit next to him
i drove a golf cart with drunk goggles
and it was my first time driving anything
and i was instantly synthetically smashed and i killed two theoretical people
remind me not to drink and then floor the gas on a golf cart and go through an obstacle course of cones.
tomorrow is romeo and juliet
and breakfast
it isnt even any comfort though
"Betty, help me cook my goose!" "Archie, your goose is already cooked!" (steam out of veronica's ears)
i dont know where to start
walk for hunger was splendid
whimsical, strange
i scared off another socialist that they thought was a girl but i knew was a guy because i found him attractive and then he talked and was actually a he.
we had lots of food and walked around and boston was beautiful and there were men singing on the street and giant tissue fish and drums and we danced and riverbanks and waving to crew guys and emily jamming in her sunglasses and tying up our shirts and embracing our flub and almost making em pee on the way home because we were so stupid, and rachel of course doing her rachel-hops and me and em jogged the last half mile and we stopped in mcdonalds and chris a. had a booger and it was gross and there was live music and the worlds largest lemonade stand and i got left at the school in the rain and chris still has my stuff in his backpack and i took a ton of pictures of absolutely everything and especially of interesting people i dont know and they got rid of the stop war sign and the beautiful poem stickers' marker washed off the bridge and now it only says "in memory of ______" over and over and i felt infinite and could fly away and it was a really good pain and 20 miles later i was home and i collapsed and this is a major run on sentence.
um,
i stayed home today to mentally catch up with myself and also because i couldnt really move or stay present for more than maybe 15 minutes so i slept and woke to soft rain and pleasant gray frowny clouds
sat in my windowsill under the eaves and finished marquez' Love in the time of Cholera
i had a small breakfast
felt petite
felt good
checked when dora the explorer was on
decided to tidy up random places in the house that no one goes
figured out it was an investment because they would never be dirty again
napped
read cover to cover camus' The Stranger
felt very small and very alive and very unimportant
got dressed
sat in windowsill
put heat up in house
watched heat make little ripples in the air
did academic work
read the new philosophy book
pulled out dialogues of plato and read a little more
opened all windows in house and played piano as loud and as beautifully as i could
felt full and emptied and content at the same time
wrote some
picked up miller's Black Spring and finished that
lied on floor
listened to rain
closed all windows
played piano as softly as i could
watched dora
looked through traveling debris from march and april comings and goings
made a birdfeeder
realized i forgot lunch and made some for myself
felt very loud as i ate
finished, went upstairs
reread last chapter of lord of the flies
sat backwards in bed
watched rain in skylight
spoke my first word of the day which was "I'm"
and followed by "making cookies"
to my mother on her commute
which i did
(make cookies)
and i watched them rise and enjoyed the smell
and then i made sean's birthday present
got a letter from congressman mcgovern
to an art show saturday
which i wont win
but at least can be hopeful
took nap
finished present
colored 2 pages of coloring book
realized i had a much more productive day than normal mondays
felt self contained
felt physically and mentally present
felt comfortably detached.
it amazed me after coming home from aruba on my first monday, to see the splashes of flowers in the gardens of the school
almost like someone decided to throw soggy colored paper around and be like
alright its spring now
and they looked painfully out of place and fresh and artificial
like someone who ties hair on
and now every monday i see more green and the world is luscious and full, and despite this overwhelming sense of growth one can feel comparitively small what with all of the progressive green and color and puddle.
i'm getting comfortable with this small, i think this is how i would like to live my life.
reactive action-reaction
well friday kicked me in the ass and hung me up to dry
in a really happy way of course
it was a beautiful sunny blue sky white pillow cloud green grass dry heat sort of day
and none of my academics felt like it filled it
we watched movies, did art
talked about slang words for drugs
had lunch in the meadow
watched the guys play frisbee and listen to petty rigamarole conversations
and in accelerated science we decided to go outside and play a massive game of red rover with the honors history class
everyone goes completely out of their minds on days like yesterday and is all the better for it
after school was nice for once
looked in the drama room, no one there, piano in center of room so i wanted to play and aleks came in
and it was nice, i wish i could get inside his head
a lot there i cant understand
jeff is less fuzzy but still is lovely fuzzy jeff and he made me really happy
small things people say can make or break a day
and of course mandy is just...mandy
which is just...awesome
and she yelled expletives while someone was filming and my wellness teacher told her to be quiet
i arm wrestled jeff and won
but thats because of bri
but thats okay
i'm trying to reconcile with everyone even if it means holding my tongue
after this i got matts 16th birthday present which was that illustrated book of beatles lyrics
because i didnt want to get him porno condoms or drugs (thanks for the suggestions guys, though)
then we went to pick up curran and to go to matts to somehow surprise him
and planning was bad and etc etc
after a lot of stressful last minute planning we surprised him and all was well
curran, i, rachel, em, matt, renee, chris, clarky, marcus, ed, ian, jeff, megan.
lots of ahem exploration
and scary pictures
and frisbee and tag and immaturity and all of the sudden people were streaking
the night was fine, the stars were out
and trampolines and candy bars and zippos
and i crashed at 1 in the morning
early this morning i went out
got a dress
in the end it was between a wine red double layer satin full length number
or a strapless golden-green-olive to off white to-golden-green-olive full length number
and youll just have to see
and zach said yes
(!!)
and then went out to lunch
and right now i'm paying for all my rampant funmaking and procrastination with my loads of work
but tomorrow is WFH
jen just told me a gay naked man story
i have an 180 piece tub of dubble bubble from the party
and matt enjoyed his 16th
life is good
just remind me to never let any of my friends turn 16 ever again
continuing with the positive attitude thing
the law of averages tells me that i should have a really great day tomorrow
i love you, you trendy idiot
well i'm trying to keep a positive attitude so here goes
today began with a diagnosis of a disease i cant pronounce and depressing things, going into the wrong period and having sonnenburg make fun of my disorganization, taking a quiz in the last 3 seconds of spanish i wasnt prepared for because i thought i'd miss it, no socratic seminar that i worked SO hard on, realizing i have an entire lab and outline to do,
and then in art class came a brilliant crumb of happiness when i was told i get to participate in some scholastic art competition for my photography. so i got sheets for my mother to sign
after school i gave chris his funny dutch candy and "happy tattoo" bubblegum and caitlin got a black widow and tim put a heart tattoo on his hand but half of it came off and someone wrote emo fag around it
then we had rehearsal in the boys dressing room and jeff has a comfy tummy and thigh but i think i squished his bad-habit-box (to be all ambiguous and lovely things) (but that kind of sounds worse than it is) (anyway)
and larry called it a love nest and kind of scared me and then we went to the stage and started dancing and singing and all sorts of fantastic stuffs and got down to rehearsing and etc etc etc and piano and heart and soul and solo and tard guard and etc etc
and finally it was over and we all left and i couldnt get through to my mom but then i did and she was coming to pick me up and i shut off the lights
and someone took my backpack
with my cd player
with my lab notes
with my outline notes
with my binder
with my jacket
with my history book
with my science book
with my house keys
with my PERMISSION SLIPS FOR THE ART CONTEST I GOT TODAY THAT ARE DUE TOMORROW
with my personal notebook
with my favorite crayon
with my agenda
with my pop-tabs
i miss it and want it and feel really vulnerable
i miss my material things that keep me tied down and not flying all over the place
it's really upsetting
but about that positive note thing
i'll be trying to make a couple people happy this weekend
so i suppose thats all i can do
it should be nice
hope to see you at undisclosed location/boston for WFH
much love
this is how i want to remember myself when i'm dead
rachel was photographer love
and all my interpersonal relationships are over now.
g'night
a list of simpler things.
i am not in anyone's mind. i feel freer and unchained and uninhibited and a fool.
today consisted of a wide spectrum of the same three colors of gray tint, a womb of concentric circles put delicately on the earth into puddles by loving trailing precipitation.
i did not mind the wet, i did not mind the sog- someday i'll be chained again in someone's consciousness and be kept in a hulk in the marshes for the prisoner's company to keep in mildew and solace.
i've lost my faith in people, i've lost my connections, and it is a grand weight deep in the pit of my self to realize the playful existentialism of all our centuries of climbing out of the rabbit's fur of our ignorance was really for nothing.
antinous, street justice, separation, perfect, bombastic.
the world gives me its basic rounded things and from this i tear apart it's ignorance-logic and distrust my senses into some form of perception i'll never be able to name, i've torn apart language so much.
happy chic
well i had an off day and it felt like a summer sort of grotto.
i took a rain shower
felt clean and fresh
did my work
did more work
ran away to the cd store again.
but first cashed all my coins and met this strange man who had like...6 bags of pennies and the machine was spitting them out all over the floor in the coin return and he had to stick his foot in it.
we talked and i dont know his name but he was mildly amusing and we talked about change and he gave me a penny and told me to have a lucky day.
so i cashed my coins
and ran to the cd store
where the guy who always recognizes me was like HELLO! WHERE IS YOUR SCARF?
because it was warm and beautiful out and i missed my incriminating rainbow.
again i went through all of the cds!
and elise is a happy girl. because now she is the proud owner of:
simple things - zero seven
seven's travels - atmosphere
villains - verve pipe
i know, i know.
so now i am filled with strange drum machine beats and guitar clips and pretty meandering piano.
and corny songs about freshmen.
nothing and everything is going on at the same time.
and i am filled with the subdominant scale of C major in the thoughts of lovely people discussing amongst themselves.
and i think my feet have left the world.
and i think my head is still in it.
how is this cohesive?
emiwy123: :-(
emiwy123: ewisey!
emiwy123: don't worry
emiwy123: be happy!
emiwy123: don't worry be happy now!
emiwy123: oooh oooohh oooohh oooohh ooooh ooooohh
emiwy123: i'm gonna give my really cool fish!
emiwy123: that sings that song!
emiwy123: remember i won it in 6th grade?
helloelise68: what?
helloelise68: i'm so confused
emiwy123: cuz i guessed the say there would be a snow day?
emiwy123: oh come on!
helloelise68: OH MY GOD
emiwy123: i won the snow day contest
helloelise68: THATS AWESOME
helloelise68: OH MY GOD
emiwy123: and got the singing fish!
and you see i actually did get it.
sleep didn't do me any good, mainly because i didn't sleep.
i just thought about things and wrote little notes to myself on my desk thinking about ideas for plotlines and poetry and in the morning they don't make any sense, they're all like NOUN NOUN NOUN ADJ NOUN ADV
like having 29387402983749 consonants in a 29387402983750 letter word
i feel like a ghost.
cognitive and puerile and not really here. and i can make people cold and make them look like :o
oh wow.
emiwy123: and it made me really happy that i won a singing fish
i'm home.
oh. right.
to those of you who protested "the war" on marathon day.
consider the following, please.
its a very complex problem. to protest ahem "the war" as such a general vague and ambiguous thing is almost undermining the problem. if there is a problem, it won't be solved by you saying NO WAR. SO THERE.
sometimes we need to let things slide, especially at such an event that so pointedly brings different cultures, beliefs, and people in general together.
it isn't as simple as taking out our troops, it isn't as simple as putting the UN in. the UN has an extremely large number of american troops, and not only that, it isn't enough of a military power to take over the peacekeeping of an entire country. much less this war you are talking about.
so put away the simplistic signs. instead of spending time protesting how to end something, take a bit of time and think about what we can do constructively to help. to gain support, so that troops outside the US will want to help, so that countries like Spain won't pull out.
it isn't as simple as writing END THE WAR on a sign and parading it around an event with lots of people so you get front page as a trendy leftist.
lets try to think of ways to stop the violence, to alleviate the social, political, and cultural boundaries we created, and to help clean up the mess the US and our theoretical enemy made. No one benefits initially from war.
in the end, it is how people deal with the crisis; and after the infrastructure has been torn out, the one that supported them and oppressed them, it is up to the strength of people to make something positive out of it. and a sign that says NO WAR in a rich town doesnt seem too positive.
i support our troops. in rebuilding what we tore down. i support acquiring and maintaining peace.
pissants
yet again i find myself with my music tastes strewn all over the floor and dreaming about what cd to make acquaintances
only to return home and find on the EXACT DAY I WAS CONSIDERING BURNING NO KILL NO BEEP BEEP FOR ALEKS HE MENTIONS IT blagh die.
and now indie is trendy again
its like the new old new punk
a;lsdmkfqwpoeirmqpoweimrqopweirmqwr
upset
maybe i'm the only one who gets offended when i find my music isnt as eclectic as i wished it was but
you cant blame me for being dissapointed.
Self <----has no talent
<-----Interesting?
<-----Doesnt capitalize
<-----Misanthrope.
<-----Consequently arrogant.
I'm having a grotesquely tumor-like down day and tomorrow will be a down day too. I find it's much easier to like people when they are affable, and to put your heart in something if its not work. And be right about something if it is obvious.
In addition i think we should all
reconsider why we make nonskid paperclips and not figure out a way to recycle styrofoam
stop humoring people so they get comfortable with feelings
have men plant pansies so they feel masculine
sleep more
love less
expect less
give it a whirl! in platform double suede, like disco lemonade
well
it had a lot to do with
speaking spanish
water slippers
stargazing
teal water
dancing
all sorts of improper things
night bazaars
nightclubs
early morning walking
flying around
feet and hands and happy and smiles
flowers
bricks
sand
huts
and heights of 293874923874 feet.
guess my color!
a. as pale as i was when i left.
b. massively pink burnt and disgruntled (though disgruntled really isnt a color)
c. a lovely golden brown
...
beep youre wrong.
somewhere between a and c skipping over b.
lots of random showers
and heists
and dancing in puddles
on a desert island that gets
...what, 1 inch of rain a year?
lots of music
lots of windsurfing
lots of writing
lots of...
of lovely things
but the air is much cooler and crisper here.
makes me appreciate the generic "here" more.
it struck me as strange the people who were sticking in my mind.
i had begun to make lists as a part of my new found vividness in dreaming. almost lucid.
out of the people who i actually dont abhor spending time with
2 live over an hour away
2 are graduating in a few weeks
4 are 2 times or more my age
1 is a year from being 4 times my age
2 are dim as very dim things
and that leaves rachel
who quite honestly i dont get to see much.
but you SEE
looking at this positively
that means i have 12 people who dont repulse me
which is...a big number more than what it used to be!
so whoop, party horns, party hats. confetti.
i think i like being alone better.
i think i also need to learn not to abhor people.
i'll actually write cohesively about whatever i've been doing this past few days later.
i'm reading a letter in which i am idealized in such a ridiculous way i feel like i'm inferior to his perception of me.
and consequently making myself insecure.
goodnight everyone.
hope you had a lovely vacation and faux peace protest in the middle of a lighthearted public event.
has run away from country.
will not be back soon.
!!! musical discovery!
mouse on mars has a song called mompou!
(is amazingly happy)
and its on the album i OWN!
hoo-ah!
"What is a chord? .......other than my car"
-sonnenburg
I love accords.
He rocks my world and gave me a MENSA quiz today which i did okay on.
today was completely nuts
first few minutes = quiz
then talk
then lots of pretty chemicals and colors
then talking
then skipping class
then herz
then walking about
then sunny sky-windows
then mensa quiz
then frisbee and lunch outside
then party in spanish class
then making batidos near the sunny windows and eating lovely strawberries
then movie
then talking
then cleaning
then learning
then looking at beautiful thin line maps
then looking outside at cardinal love birds again
then film
then run upstairs
then lots of goodbyes
then run downstairs
then get brother
then walk with him and adam to car
then margaritaville
then open window driving
then home
then grand freeing of spirits
then grateful dead
then now.
i am so out of here
yes!
morrisey!
first time in 192873912873 years!
the famous
well la ti da.
i dont know.
monday was something busy i do not remember
tuesday was something frantic
abandoned at school
and lots of work
and piano in large white music hall alone
wednesday was rehersal with substitute jeff = liz
which was kind of weird
i miss jeff's massively round "WOW! huh. WOW." line. he has such an ecstatically explosive-happy part.
only he was gone
and so yeah
the stage was lovely
large white blocks
lots of large white things this week
maybe i should go talk to a fat caucasian friend.
that will be one more!
...sorry
today was lit mag edit only i dont know how to edit because i write everything within 5 minutes after
a week or two of contemplation
of a phrase or two
also jeff kicked ass today
only he actually kicked my ass
and it really hurt
and it was his hand not his foot
...
but he makes up for it because he is a fuzzy jeff.
after all this i went to play frisbee with the
ahem
hippy club
(resentment waves)
i think i turn into a republican after i break up with someone who is a liberal and realize how their blind idealism gets in the way of any shred of intelligence they might have
lots of puddles.
on a lighter note returned the mompou cd to ginny today
lots of birdfeeders
found cardinals, lovebirds on school grounds
the sky/my eyes got brighter as the day went on today
biked 10 miles
underneath the new blue sky.
we needed that rain
the ground is modgepodge and clay and soaky and
lushly green
it was so worth it.
one more day.
are you happy
i feel very small
in general i have been nothing
i feel like a seed on a strawberry, cushioned by pink and sweet; only to be left with my unappetizing self, small, tough. yet i dont feel myself growing.
the rain has been cause for hoods
reflected under my eyes
there is no magic in this.
i have become very small again.
i wonder where i will go.
there is no magic in this.
its all just science.
simple happies.
jen: today, our gov't teacher wasn't there
and vera, mindy, and i came back early
and we didn't have anything else to do, so we occupied the empty gov't room and wrote on the whiteboard
mindy wrote "vera and jen are cool"
and i changed it to "mindy are cool"
then mindy erased it and wrote "vera and jen are cool" again
and i added to it "vera and jen are mindycool"
then vera wrote on the other side of the board
"mindy are cool
vera are redundant
jen are wiggely"
i are wiggley :D
(end of story)
And the dumpster wasnt there.
What a day.
Early in the morning, I rose and packed my red knapsack, and my mother made me a cup of chai, and I took my fat little thermos to Jens, early in the lovely white light of 7:10 am.
I rang the doorbell and the soft little piano music stopped drifting out the window, and i was greeted!
And thankfully my father drove away.
I went inside and we listened to little plinky happy music, went through her knapsack from NY, got little subway maps and was happy.
And got the most lovely rounded homemade biscuits with blueberry sauce.
We put them in baggies in our sacks, and after a bit of conflict, we were off to the Station.
There we talked about people watching, and saw all sorts of characters that looked to be in Theater.
It was beautiful, and then the train came, and we boarded. I watched the world pass by through the open door. It was a strange and wonderful feeling.
We bought our tickets and talked a bit on the way up, looking at graffiti murals, and the lake. We got off at south station, and it was only 9:30, so we walked around and got jen a chai @ starbucks. And a kind lady who had put a choice of hers on a little blackboard said, I recommend dipping the almond vanilla biscotti (only biscotty is prettier) in the vanilla chai!
So jen asked how much they were and she was like, I dont know, do we have any biscotty? Let me check. So she runs back, and finds a broken one, and since she cant sell it, she gave it to us.
It was wonderful! And very biscott-y.
I ate my round loafy thing with blueberry things and all was well, we got a call from soni saying she was down at the convention already, so we decided to walk down.
Jen and I saw huge lines...so she asked a lady how do we volunteer? And she sent us to a lady named Tiffany, who let us get badges (!!! that were sold out!!) and told us to go to the 4th floor.
So we did. And there was a volunteer room.
There we saw some kids who wanted to be volunteers too, and they got asked if they were 18. They said, No. Jen says to me,
(youre 18!)
(what?)
(18!) Hi, we're here to volunteer!
So I'm 18 now.
And we got all inclusive passes, and had to be back at 2 to work till 4.
So walking down, we see...CHRIS! woo!
So we go down to the gaming room and I played my first ever game of DANCE DANCE REVOLUTION (cue epilepsy) with SONI. And we were really bad. And i tripped on myself.
I really want one.
Keody and his friend Nick ran away, and we lost them, and I was sad, because me and chris were supposed to go out to lunch.
Nonetheless, jen soni and I went out and after many failed attempts to contact them, we decided to go to chinatown to eat Pho.
Pho was an experience. It was in this little pretty humid place, with windows all around, and all of the food was shades of pretty greens and browns, with whites and yellows in between.
It was rice noodles in broth, with beef on top, uncooked, and you tucked your beef under the little puffy bed of noodles to cook it. And there was a lovely lazy susan (they arent really lazy, they do more than most plates) with all of these bottles and plates and strange things, including a pretty spoon and chopsticks to eat with.
We ate that, and also lovely pina coladas.
And were full. And content.
And commented on the massive amount of EROTICISM STORES. everywhere.
We then went souvenir shopping and bought candies with things on them we didnt understand.
it was all
LARGE SMILING STRANGE FRUIT!
HAPPY PUFFY BIG EYED PACKAGE!
BRIGHT COLORS!
and it was beautiful.
I bought a little triangle-pillow of something with a pink rabbit with a chocolate dipped head smiling at me on it. It was full of half strawberry half chocolate choco-chips.
And i also bought this ribbon of baggies with smiley/angry fruit on them and strange objects like scissors and tigers (??) on the backs.
We walked back to the convention, with about 10 minutes to spare to go into the Castle. So we waited in line, (there goes five minutes) and poked around the dealers and art show a bit. Then ran (well, jen ran. we kind of...walked quickly in pain.) to the con, so we could do our volunteer work. Jen got up there first, and got a job. We got up, and sat for a while, got a hard time (is she 18? she just SAID she was 18) blah blah, sat down, listened to funny conversations, man lost his fake shotgun (i cant kill zombies now!) watched same guy come in 4 times in different costumes, and eventually i asked, "do you need us for anything?" and he said, "no, we're overstaffed. go. have fun"
and so we did.
walking through the strange vivid maze of colors and girls-dressed-as-guys-dressed-in-drag and pirates and wizards and vivi and selphie and anyone you can think of, it was all rather dizzying to me, but we made it out and across the street again, to wait in line for the castle. i felt bad about not finding chris...i really had wanted to spend time with him that day, and I kept thinking I saw his pumpkin hair somewhere, but it was always someone else.
And as we are about to be admitted in, I look back, and
BAM!
its chris.
and a photographer man behind me had heard me babbling about finding chris, and he laughed.
and i ran.
and it was like
AH!
so.
we finally found eachother, and went in the castle and shopped.
he bought a lovely jacket (that looks massively wonderful on him, i must say) and i got trinkets for Jen, and Chris bought me the strangest most adorable thing i've seen in my life.
It was this perfectly round, lime green, fuzzy plush with pill shaped black eyes and two lids on its head that when you open them out come these arms.
And i cant figure out what it is.
And it makes me indescribably happy.
We got free comics and such, soni got a pin, la ti da, etc.
We danced to music and it was fun.
And then we left, to go back to the con and watch a movie
in a victorian ballroom with the most splended ornate golden chairs.
It was a beautiful movie.
And then jen came down, and watched a little with us.
And then we realized...
our train was coming soon.
So we left, and soni and keody walked with us.
We got to south station after a teeny bit of shopping (funny lamp!)
and Jen bought a guilt free ice cream, and there was lots of hugging and goodbyes and softness.
Chris makes me smile.
And so does soni.
Its tough to say goodbye to them.
But, I needed to, and I ran to catch up with jen, who was boarding, and we went to the top floor of the train to sit and talk of pretty and wonderful things.
You know how graffiti is usually like
EXPLETIVE!
RACIST REMARK!
____ WAS HERE!
on things like this?
The graffiti on our bus seat was a simple
childishly written,
I love the train
.
And that was all.
That makes me smile.
Jen made my evening, she is such a wonderful person.
And as we arrived, it seemed as though not a day had gone by,
even though one had,
and yet it was a very filling and full day
full of filling things.
It was a worthy friday, and I feel that
I didnt waste a moment of it.
And I came back home.
And nothing had changed.
Oh, and I forgot.
Jeff gives the most splendid all-encompassing tightly woven cigarette hugs I have ever experienced in my lifetime.
Doctors say, to be mentally healthy, the average person needs (on AVERAGE.) an average of 8 hugs a day.
And jeff gives me millions with his few.
Thanks much jeff.
Also-
Casey's last day in Art, for senior project. We had lovely milkywaycookiedoughcube-type food, and watched Condoleezza Rice smile and laugh and be her normal resentfully poised self.
I admire her.
I also resent her, quite a bit.
did you know...
- that she graduated high school at 15?
- Graduated college with a Bachelor's at 19?
- Went on to get further degrees and distinctions?
- Went to segregated public elementary/grammar/etc schools?
- Is now arguably one of the most respected women in US Politics?
- Is predicted by some to be running against Hilary Clinton in the presidential election after next?
Mmmhmm.
Too bad.
my chocolate craving and sugary sweetened things.
Well now, I'm not going to enter-key-binge this entry. No enters. No linebreaks. Okay. So lets see. Monday. OH WAIT! Sunday. Ficcos bowl-a-drome with rachel was lovely, candlepin boosts our self esteem. Lots of seizure lights and I won baseball cards but no sign of my lovely ginger haired beau. It turns out his ride went to a birthday party. Great. So anyway I gave a baseball card to a kid watching me play the game, and we went home. Monday was gross. Actually realistically I remember nothing of it at all. Tuesday...robotics meeting about our Bureaucracy. (We need a conch shell.) That was strange. I left, and Finn called me down to the office (ha!) i was five minutes late, we ran out the door into his heap-volvo and sped around scaring us and we drove to the Empire Gourmet where we got an all-you-can-eat Buffet. Ironically Jimmy wasnt there. Thank god. Awkwardness ensued so Finn decided to drop some fried squid tentacles in my water just to make me mad. I was reclusive and disgusted and hermited into my piece of illegit carrot cake. And broke my diet with fried sugared bananas and brownies and carrots + cake and fried chicken and blah i dont care anymore. But i think i'm officially addicted to sugar free candy. This no enter key thing is nauseating.
Ahh. Relief.
Okay, so after the Empire the collected cash and the collective Us paid, and we went out and drove curran to the school to drop him off with his smuggled crab rangoons for em, who happened to not be there, and then me and finn drove to Burkes house.
Burke was randomly making a poster of the berlin wall, and so Finn went upstairs to find his pornography which was cleverly hidden. Ahem.
We talked and they talked and I talked and Finn talked and Burke talked and we left.
I relieved Finn of his cotillion duties and then a lot of things happened, we drove around a lot and lots of fire smoke blah blah blah blur of over an hour blah
and then he dropped me off a block away from my house, as usual, with a surprisingly kind and vulnerable comment of, Nice talk.
Then he almost ran me over. And i tried to open the backseat door but he kept inching forward. Because hes stupid. Blech.
Okay.
Anyway,
I got home and enjoyed the late-sunned evening with lots of white light.
Wednesday was panic, and rehersal. Jeff came after his detention. And Christine was there. So me her and chris talked a lot, which was nice, because i really didnt talk to her last time she visited...relatively interesting. Shes reading on the road. Says something about a person.
We rehearsed and I was bad and Jeff was splendid and Caitlin was being extremely explosive and epileptic so we all stopped and I went home around 3:45.
yeah.
Today...no piano. Made me sad, Simon was on it.
So we went outside and played Frisbee on the school's front lawn. It was beautiful. People started to join in.
What a pulchritudionous utopian day.
At least this term/week is over. This week was THE week to get through. THE week. Full of stresses and pushes and pulls, all on awkward bits that I cant handle.
Tomorrow is boston, with lovely Jen and lovely Keody and if we can find her, lovely Soni.
Maybe I will find my dream slippers. Or a wonderful umbrella to add to my collection.
I hope its fun and not awkward.
It will be.
We get a train. a train! a train.
Then my parents are gone, and a week.
And then my beautiful equatorian heliocentric paradise of 7 days.
blech
tomorrow
i swear
Well now.
I feel better.
All of the people
who made me feel like i was going nowhere.
All the people who seemed to have everything together- the elite, the wonderful
the splendid and
TOGETHER.
while googling
i found a list of the honor roll.
i feel better now.
so so so much better.
Maybe I can go somewhere too.
1-800-242-2424
well,
i got up early
to try to finish homework
so i can go to Ficcos
and see keody and rachel
but i went to bed at 12:30
so that didnt really work.
and in reality i got up at 630 instead of 730.
I talked to chris c. last night
we lived in separate hours for a while.
made me think about a lot of things
i missed mikey's party
and instead, after school
went to guitar club, and then
to matts with curran and em
and we had a nice time
and then i went to ems
and we watched aladdin
and stayed up till 3
and then in the morning
i went shopping with my mom
for the voyage overseas.
and wasnt home till 4:30.
apparently chris c. and jeff and finn were there..
some redeeming people.
i wouldve liked to watch tron.
last night got invited to go to movies with jen sandra and vera but alas
too much work
homework last night = keody today.
hopefully.
i cant wait i cant wait i cant wait.
the world has been very gray and i can say i dont really mind.
theyre taking bob edwards off of Morning Edition.
that kills everything.
he was my sunny-morning or rainy-morning
intellectual voice.
i'm going to miss the older generation of career men and women as they slowly filter out and are replaced by trophy career boys and girls.
so what was the catalyst?
i want to go to somewhere with music outside
and adventures, and art.
a festival.
with pretty colored food and beautiful things swirling around in the air like good vibrations from good people making the most wonderful symphonic noise.
i want to go to boston.
where things are a more dignified monotone than here.
&,
... ??? !
i'll write tomorrow.
AM ,ekorbmeP 640 tpA .tS ttesoohcS 081 !!!
today was surprisingly lovely.
im getting me to do things.
APRIL FOOLS.
i asked finn to cotillion as backup. hes lovely. lovely finn. he said yes. but he hasnt payed his class dues.
it started out as a joke.
hopefully chris can go, though. plays rock the casba, however. not sure if a little formal dance is worth giving that up.
stupid scheduling.
he read my mind again.
yesterday in history we were watching this horse-riding-swashbuckle-renaissance video, and i'm thinking to myself, it would be awesome to go to king richards faire.
chris calls me.
and is like,
Hey.
Would you want to go to king richards faire sometime?
And i got flustered and said something along the lines of
Youre not kidding! - I mean..serious! i mean -(aghh!!)
Because thats scary.
Today i got to school and did my work and played capture the football. Then we watched parts of great expectations. "At the door." (points upward and is all twichy and shriveled.)
Fun stuff Miss Havisham.
Then we took a drug/sex/bad behavior/republican test. Which was weird.
After this, i took a walk in science period and went to the art wing where i ran into JEN. who was excited. so we hugged. and also ran into ben.
Then i realized i needed to pee.
After all this i took my hair down and in my hand was a tiny little adorable paper orange fish with eyes and a smile and happy aura waves.
And hmm. What a puzzle.
As I'm walking back I see fish on signs and on people.
More and more keep popping up.
After i get out of sci, I see Jen and Chris C. and ask, Jen, where are these fish from.
And she giggles. And chris says something about subterfuge to rule the world.
Only he didnt say subterfuge.
And she gives me fishies and i stick them on happy people.
It was beautiful.
Jen brightens my day all sorts of times.
After this was geo block. Which wasnt as bad, but we had a late lunch.
But lunch was fun. Full of squirty water bottles. And rain-time.
After this I had spanish, which flew by like apollo feet, and i was free!
only not really.
i packed and went downstairs, greeted by curran with the idea of
HEY. LETS PLAY FRISBEE OUTSIDE IN THE MUD AND RAIN! so now whos got a frisbee?
this was lovely.
so after much sherlocky work we found a frisbee and walked outside, to a field where curran played barefoot and we all slid around and made pretty curly marks on the field.
And no one scored.
And it was splendid.
Playing in the rain is wonderful. And curran got to wash his feet in a puddle.
After i got back inside, i talked with lovely people and got lots of jeff-hugs. Jeff N. makes me happy.
So i talked a lot with chris and jeff and curran and such, felt warm and happy. Lots of love today. Radiating and warming everything and everyone and things and every heart was thawed and the rain was kept outside.
If that makes any sense.
Gorski randomly came up to me in the hall, and was something like
Elise, i heard you were the one who had the idea to paint the tree posters! That so made my day. Awesome.
And that made my day. I wish i could make people happy.
I then went to ginny's. I love ginny. She is the most beautiful person I have ever known.
We played wonderful twirling music, talked about travel, talked about human nature, talked about everything. I love her. Dearly.
After that, Linda. Interesting. Answers.
And after that, traffic in lines of glowing red and white with wonderful raindrops playing tunes on our windshields and a million prisms to decorate our hair if only we had the guts to stick our heads out windows in times like these.
At home i felt cozy.
I tried on bathing suits. I'm not so much of a pudge anymore.
It makes me miss the way summer air feels. Its a comfortable dry warmth, like a blanket or putting your head on someone's tummy.
I miss that.
I cannot wait for aruba.
I procrastinated but I finally got my homework done.
And now I am here, i probably should call keody but i'm eating sugarless peppermints which are the smoothest things i have ever laid my lips upon. Delicious, and pretty things they are. Swirly and red and white, like the car lights shining in all the rain today.
I love rainy days. I'll sleep well tonight.
Everyone is a lovely lady or a gentle man.
friends in favorites.
because people like to do what other people do.
and because i smlove you. all over the place.
"Dont do that. It feels good."
I miss him.
Mandy is killing me. So ive got to post.
For mandy. Because she is a love.
Okay.
Wow.
starting... lots and lots of events ago. but not that long ago.
Bus ride home from annapolis was wonderful.
In a rather ugly walnut nutshell I began to socialize and forget about how sad it was that I was going home.
Had rather interesting conversations with people i havent talked to since the trip.
Norwell kids began to intermingle. (intermingle? redundant. ah well.)
Theyre all lovely.
I thought they were sketchy.
But there isnt anything wrong with sketchy till their sketchiness is proved.
My CDs were looked through to no avail. We sang "My Girl", "Heard it through the Grapevine" "Brown Eyed Girl" and screw the quotations, can you feel the love tonight (one line) bohemian rhapsody, (we will) rock you, whole new world, and of course, build me up buttercup. the entire trip.
it was beautiful.
and jen kept nudging me in the side because she thought a cute pumpkin-pie haired boy named Chris had a thing for me.
And we laughed.
Driving home i realized i forgot one of my favorite sweatshirts on the bus. And things were awkward with my family. I forgot about the whole returning to real life part of the trip. It made me really sad.
The next day i was supposed to do work but i didnt.
And i went to mandy's and watched the Wall in her massively plaid 70s basement with nikki (nicky? nicki? hm) mandy (of course) curran em matt and older-rachel. and then because we had our dose of cynicism and existentialism and depth, we decided to watch family guy.
monday was a drag.
rachel said to me, "I dont know if I miss this or not".
I did. I knew. I didnt.
somewhere in the blur of a week i failed quizzes got make up work broke up with curran got hit on by scary guys and the highlight,
walked downtown with Finn to get his car from the garage. but it wasnt there.
so they drove it there. hmm.
and so we drove to bills where he flaunted a very large sub (ha! finn has a very large sub, jen.) in front of me and i tried to steal meat out of it but finn is very nimble as we all know.
so he drove me to the drug store where i bought 193284192837 bags of sugarless candy.
then, we had 45 minutes to kill
so we picked up my incriminating scarf and my backpack at the school and drove around. and talked about things. and i think finn is wonderful.
somewhere in all that i decided to skip thursday school and went over rachels, who was also skipping, because of the trip.
we watched the Under the Sea singalong songs tape, and sang along, and made hot cocoa, and read strange quiz books from a trivia game, and went through old photos, and sat on her roof and waved to trucks.
and played a racing video game.
i have never had such a frivolous petty and wonderful day.
we drove to the school where we left for the 99 bus stop.
the bus was early/late. sort of.
and as i got on i looked around and everyone looked much more vivid than the people back home.
and rachel gave me a happy "HA!" stare as chris smiled at me.
because chris rocks everything.
as lovely as lovely things are, he brought a cd with a band called Nightwish on them. ah gosh.
so i listened to that and felt dreamy light and beautiful.
and then we watched some strange korean film about a high school gone combat.
and we stopped that.
because we did.
office space came on but no one really wanted to watch so most of us listened to music.
i recognized parts of the highway from the annapolis trip, but as we neared new york city and dusty dusk fell things became magic and the lights on everyone's faces made us look smooth as paper.
and the world was color, and beauty and sound.
we drove by times square, and chris gave me his number.
and the norwell kids said goodbye.
and so did we.
we got to our trashy-with-nice-lobby Days Hotel, unorganized and bobbly and i dont even know who but everyone left to explore times square.
what a night.
all sorts of things.
what a night.
i dont even know what to say.
we came back to the room to katie. and then went to the guys' room, where they were making axe blowtorches. (guys. sheesh)
it smelled kind of funny. so we rode the elevators and went back to our room.
sleep was pleasant.
in the morning things looked new, kinder, very tan and soft. very non-season.
the yoga-room view was gone, thank god, and we walked down to starbucks where i asked for a cup of free water. to make myself my tea.
it was a delicious tea,
and we then walked to times square.
consequently this was a ship out of water, a grand plethora of tungston with no current, people with no romanticized commercialism, and we went underground, and i had my first subway ride.
it was beautiful.
again.
i dont know what to say.
we were surrounded by our corner in this magical place of railways and tunnels, and glittering sidewalks and 5 pound chocolates and dancing in the streets.
nic put it well.
new york is big. but its so big, you feel as though you are in a corner, your corner of new york- just this little piece you can percieve.
i miss it.
we got to the competition area- a beautiful manicured state park in a true park sense, with a large fancy metaled bridge, and sidewalks, and grassy areas.
there were lovely concrete and brick sunken sidewalks which i thought in wintertime, if you filled with water would make the most lovely skating paths.
it sat prettily on a river, with a view of the big bridge, and the little lighthouse.
it was amazing to see so many different and interesting people. in this little-big place.
we got our seats (with norwell!) and the competition started. my bubble gun ruled the stands.
qualifications were interesting, norwell was performing beautifully running in 2nd most of the time, and we were alright, in 11th or 12th. (much better than Annapolis.)
That atmosphere is so...interesting. Its so comfortable and teeming with this amazing twitchy cheering air about it.
Lunchtime I didnt eat. Because I lost my camera and was panicking.
Chris helped me find it. A man from the norwell team actually found it, I think.
And i was relieved. And happy.
Katie and I took a lovely walk afterwards...around the grounds, on benches and large streetlight-blocks.
We talked, felt wind in our hair, looked through a little pay-binocular, and felt free and out of this mold that makes up and eats everything else.
And then we went back.
At the sad little end-of-day we rode the lovely subway home, and the girls went to our room and we prettied ourselves to some extent.
then, we all met in the lobby around 7, to go explore times square. again.
We went, and saw so much...
nic stopped us, and there were these amazing street performers breakdancing. and then they got pulled away by the police.
we also saw the most beautiful jazz musician playing trumpet to a jazz bass and drum tape, the most beautiful music.
so inexplicably beautiful. undeniably.
the music floated up around us ugly people and into the air polluted with wonderful carbon-things and light, swirling around all the car horns and capitalism-love.
it was love.
i dont know how else to say it.
i also bought the cd of this band playing in the street, two guys playing airy guitar and wearing wonderfully beat up garb.
i could imagine that they smelled like cigarettes.
the sidewalks did literally sparkle and so did everyones eyes.
there were vendors in the middle of streets, ticket sales and music and scents wafting from everywhere to other everywheres, and it was overwhelming and filling and perfect.
we ate dinner at a little pizza shop, talked about things.
then we went to toys r us.
and played for hours and hours. hula hooped and lightsaber fighted and dressed up and frisbees and legos and aah! gosh.
after a lot of broken up cell phone calling, chris finally met up with me, and we went down and he bought me a ticket to go on the ferris wheel.
and we rode in a giant, pleasantly rounded fisher price dog.
and went round and round in a grand display of lights.
and talked. and laughed.
and got made fun of by my brother.
and looked around at all 3 stories.
after we got off, he bought 2 pictures of us.
which was extremely expensive. and in an ugly frame.
but i must say.
what a kick butt picture.
he's too nice to me.
he had to go with his chaperone (we had none), and my brother had bought a wolverine mask/claw set.
so he was trying to get 5 bucks off for "advertising" but to no avail.
we played around some more, then left, and walking back to our trashy abode he ran into a starbucks.
and they told him to take the mask off. sad.
back in the hotel i couldnt sleep.
then i slept. a sweet sound sleep about EMERGENCIES and FIRE and SCARY THINGS IN THE SCHOOL, and i was awoked (awakened? woken?) by a massively abrasive beeping alarm throughout the hotel.
Katie says, Wake up call?
Elise says, Fire alarm.
scary.
so i'm debating whether to go down (im the only one entirely awake) when this guy with a really creepy foreign accent comes on,
"THIS IS A FALSE A-LARM. THIS IS A FALSE, A-LARM. PLEASE DISREGARD THIS FALSE A-LARM." only it was more like please disregad dis false alahm. ONLY REALLY LOUD AND CREEPY SOUNDING.
and i being on such a thin thread all the time got scared.
And every five minutes, alarm again, him again.
And once he told us to "regard this false alarm" and we got confused.
Then he started saying,
"THIS IS A PROBLEM. WITH THE SYSTEM. PLEASE DISREGARD THIS FALSE AHHLAHM."
and more false alahms.
and then,
"WE HAVE RECTIFIED THE PROBLEM. THE PROBLEM HAS BEEN RECTIFIED. PLEASE DISREGARD THIS FALSE ALAHM. THIS IS A FALSE ALAHM. WE HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THE SYSTEM. PLEASE DISREGARD THIS FALSE ALARM."
and so on and so forth.
And when he forgot to turn the speaker off, we could hear people yelling at him. and then the fire department came. after 40 minutes. from a block away.
And it was chaos. And then some random noises went over the speakers. And the guys came to our room. Which was funny. and embarrasing.
Nonetheless in a pleasant little hour it went away, and we fell back asleep only to be awoken by my paranoia at 6:37 because for some reason my body knew the wake up call never came.
And then it came at 6:50.
So we went downstairs. And everyone had their bags.
And we were like crap.
So.
we ran upstairs and packed in 2 minutes like last time. And ended up being the early ones, and going to starbucks blah blah, sugar free brownie, blah blah, subway, sleepy, blah, competition YAY AWAKE.
So the competition.
It was a little soggy that morning but it cleared up to be a most pulchritudinous and glorious day.
The qualifications ended, me and chris took a walk after lunch, talked a lot. He has the most comforting hands.
We explored the grounds, asked eachother questions, and all was lovely.
Back at the competition, the finalist alliances were being chosen. Ending up 6th in qualifications, Norwell was one of the first chosen, by the team in 4th. in 19th, we were chosen later, but for the 3rd place team.
This meant a longer day. Which means more time in new york.
Semi finals went quickly, norwell got eliminated because of a rather abrasive pink team of people from Florida, who got most of their robot built by Nasa at kennedy space center. Hopefully they just got "help".
Luckily our bracket meant we didnt meet up with them. As the evening wore on, we found ourselves still in the game, and all the sudden- bam. Finals. We were finalists. Up against the Nasa team, with not a loss against them the entire New York City Regional.
Though we displayed a valiant effort and a great defense, and amongst the other teams' cheerleaders, our alliance placed second. Which was still awesome.
Packing up the robot was sad, we got an alliance picture with our silver medals, and NIC WON THE AUTODESK COMPETITION! YAY NIC! because he so deserved it and rocks our socks and it was awesome. he did it all himself.
We boarded the bus with little goodbyes, and drove away from new york. Sad, though in a pleasant way. A bit of serendipity and melancholy and all, a simple little complex trip with a million flat and monochromatic facets.
I sat with chris, and we talked, and all was well.
And we rode into the sunset.
And then into dusk. And then into velvety navy nighttime.
I miss him. I miss him immensely.
build me up. buttercup. dont break my heart.
do, do, do do!
well, i have a headache, and feel sick, but i cannot keep this in any longer.
Annapolis was beautiful. Beautiful beautiful beautiful.
The bus ride down was amazing. Lots of fun. Lots of nic's strange groove faces and mike thinking im sketchy and me sniffing his sweatshirt and singing the one line "nothing compares, nothing compares...to you!" over and over
8 hours never went so fast! we went through NYC and had ethan caress the TV (he has the magic touch! and turns the tv ON!)
only it didnt usually work but no one wanted to see a kiss documentary anyway
we kept only getting the audio of the sex scenes in goldeneye
nonetheless tons of fun tons of cool people lots of happy talk and silly things and trying to get pictures of jones and ending up getting massively close shots of nic's face
meeting at the 99 before the bus
in the parking lot
elise: aghhh im so cold
sean (not freshman sean, sophomore sean): its not cold
elise: well you have a massive sweatshirt on
sean: ITS NOT MASSIVE! its small!!
elise/jen: something along the lines of "sean's feeling insecure today! woo"
and later
after someone was telling racist jokes (aah!)
elise: too bad we're all massively caucasian
sean (from across parking lot): I'M NOT MASSIVE!!!!
ahh.
BALLS!
sorry.
nnnnorwell.
ive picked up habitual speech from jen and such.
and we all like to randomly yell BALLS after our experience with quarter machine bouncy balls.
and i got a stretchy alien with a hole in its head.
we hoarded honey at roys fixin bar which led to a series of mooching and freeloading off condiments straws soaps antibacterial wipes pins screwdrivers books pamphlets newspaper and so on and so forth throughout the trip
we made rude noises with the honey packets while the guys were probably having some deep conversation
i have a question
why do rest stops outside of massachusetts have names?
like Vince Lombardi and Alexander Hamilton?
anywho.
I dont even know where to begin.
I'll begin later.
ACTUALLY NO I WONT BECAUSE I NEVER WILL!
Okay.
After the lovely bus ride
we got to the hotel
went up to the room, got a note from katie as she walked in the door.
went out of the girls room, visited the guys' floor who all looked VERY HOSTILE
like
RAWR GET OUT sort of thing only faded and halfhearted because we are girls and they are guys and they are tired as hell
we left anyway and me and rachel went down to the in-hotel bar and had shirley temples and talked with becker.
and then we went upstairs and rode the elevators and went back in the hotel room
to read a passage from the bible (gideons!) about LUST. woo.
and then we talked about a lot of things ranging from guys, guys, guys, guys dating girls who flirt with girls dating guys, should i call curran, nic's free minutes, jones and his easy ability to be ahem "sketched out", jen's adrian situation, katies situation, blah blah.
and then we went to bed at 12 ish to wake up early.
we woke up late.
i wonder why.
we got ready and sang and went out and missed the car!
so we followed the norwell boys downtown walking and they went a different way, so we went to starbucks (no more jen's bagel place! aw) and had food and saw the guys but they were on their way out.
and then we walked down to the naval academy
to go to the competition!
when we got there and jen showed her MASSIVE PERMIT TO THE MILITARY MAN we heard pounding bass music and got seats in the bleachers, broke out the bubbles and big horns
went down to the pit, me and rachel went scouting
met lots of cool people including a rookie team with a robot made of wood!
and got pins. yay. happy
our first match we couldnt play because someone GROUNDED THE WIRES TO THE FRAME OF THE ROBOT ITSELF.
and then all sorts of things went wrong like the chain breaking so in autonomous mode we just went in a circle.
but its okay
we ended up all in all (from 8 in the morning to 5 at night! and then the next day 9 in the morning till maybe 12) 51st out of 59. we actually got worse once our robot worked.
thats ok though. it was more working out bugs competition- we'll be good in NY.
anyway, me katie jen and rachel went out and bought lunch @ the concession stand, and brought it out to the bay to eat and feed seagulls. we saw a really strange duck that was black and white, and 2 males courting a female. and i was like OH! IRONY!
at 5ish when we left we all walked back to the hotel in a fading pinkish sun down brick walkways that were lovely, me nic jones nate rachel katie jen etc arguing about seniority and how to choose the captain next year. it was actually quite nice. and we were laughing and nate was all fired up.
we got to the hotel and went our separate ways. (button in the elevator said el test!) i thought we said to meet in the lobby in half an hour, but as the girls got ready and pretty we called, and they had ordered pizza and were staying in for the night. so we decided to have a night on the town, left, and went to a pretty gritty acme bar with strange signs, live music, and funny drunks.
Actually, sean peeked out the door and said hellO!
so we went in and sat with him ben ethan and kyle.
They left earlier (because they came earlier) but we ate, and talked, and took lots of pictures, and I went up to tell the musician he was amazing. (he dedicated the last song to us! err..."the girls in the back hiding behind the bar") then me and jen needed to pee, so we went through this door with a sign saying BEWARE OF PICKPOCKETS AND LOOSE WOMEN and up this strange spiraling staircase hallway with strange paintings on the walls and black and white swirls on the walls and weird things, and it kept going and doors kept opening to outside and we were like hmm...this is a bit sketchy and then we turned yet another corner and it kept GOING so we said maybe we shouldnt go to the bathroom. so we turn around and there is a GUY STANDING THERE AND I SCREAM SO LOUDLY and then im like ahh! sorry! because i realize i just screamed at a perfectly normal man and we ran down the hallway and back to our seats.
after that i took a picture of the musician man, the calendar made jen feel stupid and we left to go walk down to the pier and ben and jerrys. we got lots of ice cream and got tee shirts! and took a funny picture in a ben and jerrys hole board thing.
walking back we were cold and took a picture of jen in front of the "MARYLAND REPUBLICAN PARTY" building. in it was a giant sign boasting "the four pillars of republicanism". horribly funny.
creepy alleys creeped us out, we walked quickly back to the hotel to make curfew, and went to the guys' room to lounge around on floors and beds and watch family guy.
then we went back to our room
talked a lot
called chris crawford, talked to him (asked for a letter, he said L)
called ben, talked to him (asked for a letter, he said K)
called curran, wasnt home
la la la
etc
slept.
woke up early again, jen went to exercise, we talked and listened to the alarm radio too lazy to turn it off
were late
but got ready
went down to the lobby and bam
all sorts of luggage
so we RAN BACK UPSTAIRS AND PACKED WITHIN 2 MINUTES
and brought our stuff down.
we then walked (slash ran slash took pictures slash contemplated hiding in an alley to scare the guys) all the way to starbucks where we ate breakfast again ("small chai please" "TALL CHAI LATTE" "i said small" "SMALL IS TALL") and then went to the competition with more bad 80s music and techno
we sang tainted love among other things
qualifications ended
me jen rachel and katie left early for lunch, ran off to get katies cider at the starbucks AGAIN, saw mcfarland who when asked for something beginning with L i could get chris, came up with Lemon. and li came up with Lice. everyone always says Lemon.
anyway, after that we went to lots of weird shops and i bought chris a Lobster Lighter and ben a Keychain and all was well, the salesman wished me luck @ the competition (the IM WITH NERD shirt must have given us away) and we ran off to go to a strange dress store and gawk, then to a subway where i completely screwed up the order of the system because im culturally ignorant. We saw the norwell guys and took a picture. (nnnnorwell!)
Then we ate. A nice man opened the door for us. Then we left.
I just noticed something...I only saw one man who was homeless the entire trip.
He was very tan, very young, dressed in lovely faded canvasy fabric, wearing a black hat, not begging, just praying and in silent contemplation. he smiled at me, i smiled at him.
After lunch we ran back, i picked up a rather strange pink newspaper that said in huge print on the front GOD FAMILY REPUBLIC and had a face, and read like a book.
We got back, went to the pit, took group photo and held up traffic for the longest time, I wanted to hug li, things got awkward, jen thought i was crushing, we were leaving (li was flying home) and jen made me RUN BACK TO GET A HUG but i ran back and got no hug and ended up walking outside with ethan kyle and ben. and not knowing where the bus was. and freezing my butt off.
TURNS OUT IT WAS AROUND THE CORNER.
so we went around the corner, they with their massively heavy box, and boarded the bus and road away.
and i have to go to bed.
i will continue later.
and i and i and i
dont stu stu tter when im newervoiugus.
nervous.
eesh.
my head is exploding out of my left eye.
i have too many things going on
monday is robotics meeting/tee shirt ordering/finish geo project with curran/homework/double piano
tuesday is linda/clean room/pack for annapolis/massive amounts of homework/geo test
wednesday is make up bad midterm/try out for one act play festival/get cd player because my 5th one died/figure out how to raise all my complete crap grades/talk with herz/piano
thursday is time to go to school till 11 and then drive to annapolis day. woo
i walked for hours and miles today
i cleaned out my massive full-of-character binder today
i remembered my lost notebook today
and got really really really sad.
i miss it.
i miss it.
i miss it.
i miss it.
i went cd shopping today.
got more cds. yeah.
they know me now at the store
as the girl who comes every sunday at exactly 11:25 only to be turned away not realizing theres only 5 more minutes and then the door unlocking.
and then completely buying out their used section.
and using the cashier as a calculator because math just isnt my thing.
maybe the scarf gives me away.
im listening to elton john. (geek waves.)
i like his glasses.
glasses were my assignment in art today
i wanted to draw massive star ones and put elton john behind them but i didnt have enough skill
heh. silly elton.
stars are for KIDS
my world is weirdly utopian and melancholy
if it wasnt such a mess and my head wasnt exploding out my left eye and i wasnt so busy
i might be enjoying the beauty of it all
i was struck by the fragility of life today
its making me cry
everything is repeating
over and over
and im being redundant but thats because
everything is repeating
over and over.
over and over everything strikes me as fragile and delicate, a sweet filigree and latticework making you and me beautiful.
gah. music is gone gone gone gone gone gone and so on on on.
i slept almost 12 hours.
i woke up to bright light filtering through my curtains with big pale squares in them because they fade.
they are the color of warmth, i sewed them. and hung them to help my walls have happiness.
still no letter from cicada.
letter from WFH, though. with pledge sheets. spread the word.
my 5th cd player is dead now. another one to put in the drawer.
im memorizing a soliloquy(sp?) for the one act play festival.
its really bad
but maybe i can make it not really bad
that would be really good
i want to be a writer
writer writer. over and over.
i tried to explain to curran how i think ugly things are beautiful
he didnt get it
i wanted to tell him
thats why i want to be a writer
so i can show you
but i didnt and we went on to talking about civil discontent. (mayans!)
me and curran went to the CINEMA. and had 45 minutes to kill so he ate the most disgusting in no way beautiful hot dog ever and i gave him starbursts.
then we went to see the movie secret window
which was lovely and i was brave
but he was more brave. and actually kept his eyes open
and me safe.
i love intelligent suspense stories. king does them well.
i saw a wall with
a sci fi thriller
a horror thriller
a chick flick
an animated marketing scene film
and a romantic comedy
cardboard billboards
it was almost as disappointing as the massive amounts of previews.
anyway
movie was nice
dad was late
so we had time to talk
and he is the most wonderful person to talk to.
we listened to the most beautiful jazz on the way home that swirled around in the car and made happiness with stars and love. and he made me a cd of it.
he cant find it but its still nice.
now i'm home
me sean and chris were supposed to go glow bowling
but it was a no go.
so i took a bath and read dickens
and played with water and light
and it was lovely
and im here now, read last week's travel section
about spain and basque country
and lots of lovely things
spain
so sad
so sad.
so nonetheless
i have a lot on my mind
i am grandly purging
things from my life
giving away trashbags of clothes
recycling papers
throwing away dead pens
(which we all know i never do)
cleaning my sheets
returning overdue books
telling people i love them
telling people to get out of my life
getting rid of my to do list
by doing everything on it
but no
im just kidding
about doing everything
i'm just sleeping all the time.
and it seems i have come full circle
what a sad faded off white lacy life of disgusting old comfort
glory glory
wow lovely
problems with family
blah blah things getting worse
thursdays piano was beautiful
and we practiced in the music room. twas lovely, me em chris curran
and simon was in the other room
and li and nate walked in to make fun of me
that night we went to renees, meg rachel em renee and i
we watched lost in translation and thirteen
i broke down when renee and rachel were gone
emily and megan are the two sweetest most kind anyones i have ever known
we went to sleep late
i woke up early
watched the stars
and then the colors from the sunrise
and then the clouds
from a basement window
no one woke up still so i meditated
on sounds and my breathing
my belly was soft for the first time in months
when everyone woke up we talked and padded softly upstairs
to eat coffee cake and read newsweek and people magazine for the lighter folks.
then we got ready.
then i left in rain.
rain turned to sleet turned to sleep turned to snow, and i was home
and watched the windows with gigantic swirling tongues of wind throwing around eyeball sized snowflakes
and i could see the wind cascade around our house
it was the most beautiful thing
most beautiful beautiful thing
i sat upstairs and curled up on the floor
cried for a while
sat upright
studied wimp shag carpet
walked downstairs and put on madman on the water elton john vinyl
danced around to tiny dancer
and i was the champion again
then
after much everything
i ran off to emmys with curran and we met matt and em
hung out in the red room
as always
listened to axis: bold as love and ccr and grateful dead and all was well
i talked to curran about chopin
made me indescribably happy
walked out to say hello to cassiopeia orion lyra and all of the beautiful stars living in the velvet
i feel very alone
i am home now
there is no music to sit beside me
nor music personified
all i have is a massive synthetic down comforter
a rust colored pillow
and a teddy bear that smells like cigarettes and my favorite house
im going to sleep now
curran put jesus wounds on his hands.
he wrapped his arms around me and said "jesus loves you".
people act so surprised when the annual march storm rolls in.
it has been snowing consistently for days.
i love you.
i love spring storms.
i love the 7th day.
and bad things come in threes.
it feels like 4 weeks ago.
right now we are spending time then.
we will remember them in the same set.
right now is then.
and then was beautiful.
memory is only appreciable in hindsight
but what actually happened to day was
i gave my cd and letter for graduation to chris
i listened to explosions in the sky early in the morning
i had no fun
we had a sub first period
second period carr let us have breakfast (??)
third period was lovely art
we drew hands
contour drawings without looking at our paper
hands are beautiful things
i like aleks' and rachel's and ben's hands
fourth period me and curran ran to library to do source cards due next period
then had lunch and went outside in the snow
and the prom committee people gave us candy
fifth period we handed in source cards and learned about dickens who was a greedy control freak apparently
then i went and had a lovely guitar lesson with aleks
he has been acting really mean to me lately...
i hope i'm not doing something pissing him off
but he gave me the lesson
we reviewed scales and learned about chords and it was nice
systematic music brings me happiness in its predictable and measured comfort
then i talked with mandy
which was very nice
i went home and walked and listened to explosions in the sky and tried to get my guitar off the bus
snow fell in my eyelashes and hair
i felt small delicate and beautiful
and i missed winter
i missed it forever
i was too busy in my hole to realize it was passing me.
thats all.
my eyes! are with! my eyes! all the time!
walking home today was a beautiful plethora of things.
the sky opened up to the blue kind of sky in a grand gate with ragged silver edges, and the clean clouds were so clean you could see the circle of the sun
all was white and light snow landed on my eyelashes
the roads were clean and dangerous
it was a composition
it was music
it was not a photograph or a written anything just purely subjective a piece with imagery stuck on every quarter
it made me feel small with the pleasantness of it all
i could twirl into the ocean of the void and nothing would happen
to anyone else
the world is very small to me
its only what it is
because the rest of it changes when i leave
i suppose the only world is now
sail by sight i suppose
i am in love with everything
even some people
it takes a lot for someone to be beautiful
but the only thing that changes me for the better is the exceptions
lying is a weak thing to do
i'm too lazy to recap again
this is my last journal entry
march 7 2004
chansons et danses.caniones y danzas.
mompou
was a classical piano composer
he wrote a set of songs and dances
called it
songs and dances
he was born in barcelona
became popular in the early 1900s
his music is beautiful background
it is not dynamic
it is not emotional
it is not outstanding
it is beautiful nothing and lovely
i have an album
his set of dances is named by number
the first one is called number one
and thats track one on the disc
track two is named number two
track 13 is named number 14
superstition gets the best of everyone again
came over saturday
we hung around
saw midsummer
sold tickets and snuck in late
i saw a lot of people who used to go to our school
soni put her hand in the moldy fountain
aleks made me a cd
chris, kayla, emmy, mandy, vicki, caitlin, sean all were beautiful and amazing
me soni curran and sean got fairy ears
danced around outside and watched the moon ZOOM and WOOSH around the sky
during intermission
and i bought shotglasses of soda
and ate a whoopie pie
janine was a lovely stage manager
sean curran soni and i drove home
soni thought they were juniors and was all AAHHH THE FRESHMEN IN MY SCHOOL ARE LIKE ...young looking
it was amazing
and we stayed up till 1
it was nice
i hadnt seen her in half a year
in the morning we got up strangely early early
we went on the swingset
and played with dust in sunbeams
and talked about feet, again
and got mad at ourselves for dancing in silence
shh.
it was very fun
after she had to go drive away with theo and their father, i called rachel and was like STATE PARK NOW so we drove off
and got there with our cameras and was talking and saw a RADIANT MASS OF RED HAIR GLOWING IN THE SUNLIGHT and a blonde next to him and we were like
EM AND MATT!
so we ran over and talked, sat around on the grass by the dam
watched a giant ice chunk float over to the shore
people were throwing large rocks at it to make it break
they just kind of
..bounced
then we had to go
and all was well
i havent done my work
procrastination
mgh.
?
only way to understand it
guitar club
waffled man ran off table into guitars
completely nuts
started driving imaginary car
and everyone else seemed upset or brooding
i hate when people are high
me and em left with clarkie to FORBIDDEN PLACES and he convinced us of impending doom and it was scary
and we died laughing
then me and em went to the music room and i played piano and it was joyful
i want a true piano
we came back and left with matt and curran
drove downtown and ate fries and pizza at bills
and admired the beautiful rain
i beat em in an arm wrestle
then me and my mother went to get my fathers birthday present
i came home to dan in my room playing with the DJ function on my keyboard really loudly then coming out on the balcony looking like a deer in headlights
what is it with guys and the DJ function
reminds me of summertime
i ate tofu for dinner and finalized soni plans
it will be lovely, she will come over tomorrow and its going to rock my socks
we will sell tickets at midsummer and it will be happy
right now im working on chris' band's site that he asked me to make for them
it is a work in progress with NO CONTENT because he has yet to send me it
amber's fall
today's day in acadamia was strange
all academics today
yesterday we had a walk outside in wellness and that was nice
curran had 2392374 detentions but somehow got out early so he spent time with me before piano and linda
eesh dont want to think about it.
today though
right
all academics
english we went to the lab and i found out more info about le author
lovely man
pseudonym of septimus
(can you guess who?)
science was nice
relaxing
i got starbursts because i won periodic table bingo
what an honors class
geometry
stressful
stressful
stressful
sonnenburg is funny and helps everything
race for cookies (what was it with food today?)
me matt r. and mike w. won.
too bad i dont think mathmatically
spanish we had a sub so after lunch i went to lunch again
then came back and colored with crayons for over an hour
then went to history where we also had a sub so i finished my crayon drawing
me and meg took a walk and photocopied it, visited rainey and came back
and then we played mash
apparently im marrying chris a.
living in a house
honeymooning in fiji
having 1 kid
driving a pickup truck
and i forget the rest but chris was excited
because he kicks butt
then we went to guitar club
and i am talking in lovely circles
i cannot wait for tomorrow
if all works out
me and rachel get to play in the rain at the park tomorrow
and then sonia comes over
and we get to talk for the first time in 2983740293487 months and go to see a beautiful play with beautiful mandy and emmy and chris c. and sean s. and jeff n. and everyone else who is lovely which is EVERYONE.
midsummer nights dream is my favorite shakespearian play. i just slaughtered the spelling of that word.
gates' book arrived in the mail today
from a place called mexico, montana.
i smelled it. i suppose thats what montana smells like.
i cannot wait. i cannot wait.
sunrays emerging extroverted
today was a half day, went by how things should go, the freshman crew walked downtown to get food and walk to the common to eat our lunch on the grass in a circle
curran picked up a walking stick
a very beautiful walking stick
i watched clouds and the sun was glorious
andrew suggested i looked at animals and try to figure out what type of cloud they would be
it was beautiful nonetheless
i forgot i liked spring
the winter was just getting a little too long
i am falling out of the hole i was in
the wind felt wonderful through my hair
and grass in my hands and clouds in my eyes
the world is thawing and its heart is generously sharing with mine
i still cant really think
finn is ok
thats happy
i dont know what else is
but i can dream
of swinging on treelimbs in sundresses
with loves and flowers below
where life and love is easy
and the sun makes brown eyes look gold
my mind abandons me when i think of freedom
and the warmth that may be coming
after such a long literal and theoretical cold
am i inadequate?
sleep with me in hammocks and breeze because of fermentation of the ocean and i will love you
is that enough?
lets get a bottle and drink alone tonight
alone tonight
alone tonight alone tonight
but not tomorrow
new day dawning hope in pretty blue capsules maybe not
constant headache persists
i need culturing
jim is so not having an absinthe party
no no no
i miss soni
maybe she can go to midsummer
finn made me happy yesterday
he wasnt here today
i hope his car didnt kill him like it almost killed us both
because it doesnt like to do the whole driving thing
nothing in the world means anything there are no symbols
everyone is a lot less deep than you think
stop looking too far into a sunset
just because something is beautiful
doesnt mean it means
anything
i bombed exams today
herz = supportive/slight parent mode
allie gave me her hotel pens
she makes my day every day lovely allie woo
things arent better
i'm officially going to annapolis and new york
no one has offered any stimulating conversation whatsoever in the last 239847023947 days
my brain is rotting in its painful little shell
i hate headaches
tomorrow gourmet lunch with curran matt em and etc
then small coercing at abode of matthew
morning comes early early early umlaut
cannot cohesive
headache
from of all of you off your everything
thats some crazy
_____ going on.
loving? shaking? shit? happenings? dancing? tunage?
things are clear with curran
raging hormones won the last game
grades are glkqwpoerimqwpoermgblech
stressing
bad bad bad
havent been able to read
havent been able to write
havent been able to think
cant wait for midsummer night's dream
shall be beautiful
maybe soni can come down
i need to send her present/postcard
today was beautiful
it smelled like summer
in all of the rooms and was wafting freshness everywhere
i cannot wait till balmy freedom
after school me rachel and chris took a walk
then watched the intramurals
then curran and i talked
then curran and rachel and me and chris all decided it was a pulchritudinous day
so we went outside and took a lovely walk to hopkins
where we saw ms allen
and ms logan and apparently ms reid is assistant principal
we saw ms starr and
the hallways were so SMALL IT WAS SO SCARY
but yes
i miss those colorful carefree times where most of the work on math sheets was coloring
and they hung our work on the walls
and grades were in numbers
and we only had lockers to make us feel older
i miss that so
so so badly
after our walk finn kindly walked over to the bus to offer me and curran a ride home so we did
we dropped curran off and listened to the pixies
then me and finn drove around for a while
talking about love and life and intelligence and our habits
and it was nice
his car is dying
his lovely squarish volvo that is ancient and smells like cheap cologne thanks to john burke
i flattened the fur on the seats
sorry finn
anyway we drove around for a while
we almost died a few times
his car doesnt steer
its dying dying dying
i feel patronized
i got home and procrastinated and felt bad
the day ended with no bang of beautiful summer and it just
faded into gray and work
i listened to idiots babble for hours at the night class
i am frustrated
with
idiots
i got home and finished my essay
really badly
and i will fail tomorrows test in geometry
and the quiz in spanish
and i am panicking
i just
dont function like i am supposed to anymore
power volume
i cannot hear well
coffee house was a blast
loose cannons' lead guitarist's amp died in the middle of the last song
chillblanes' singer got a lot, lot better
the rhodes were amazing
they had a lot of...style
bill has got a great voice
and mike (despite circumstances) is an extremely great guitarist
but plays voodoo child too fast
a lot of people were there
even the hall monitor man
my ears are a mix of noise and silence
ringing from the noise
dulled by the noise
so i cant really hear anything
except this perpetual note of C in a buzz in my head
i was in church today
it sounded badly amplified
i think my hearing is gone
at the end a strange tall guy with blonde curly hair in a gray sweatshirt gave me a pastry (it was the coffee house they were selling them) and called me sweetheart
i got confused
i got most of the butterfly album
its helping me
i have procrastinated all day today
i am panicking
a lot of bad things are happening
all at once and
i dont know how to help it
and i dont know how to help myself
and tomorrow is monday
i cant think intelligently i cant write
intelligently and i cant do anything
i cant work and i dont
know what to do with myself
the answer
things are beautiful.
friday was strange...
i got through social studies and spanish, and art felt good- painted northern sky in clouds with lights and read my story about customs, fell in love,
art class makes me feel at peace
skipped down to gates and he bought me a book (!) and had some amusing conversations with a 1-800 number
on the school phone
allie played a car game for 2398749234 hours and all i could here was people yelling famous people's names
like bobert
me meg and curran talked about all sorts of things
curran thought plath was a feminist :) heh
he is lovely
so we talked about what kind of geek we were individually
chris is an ism geek
curran is an antiestablishmentism leftist geek (in my opinion but he denies it)
i am a strange-name-music and reading geek
jim is a pop culture geek
and we are all arbitrary facts geeks
but especially lovely rachel
i am on my way.
after school I went to guitar club, which was nice- ran off with finn drove downtown and he vented and went to the library to pick up love in times of cholera which was one big ordeal but poor finn. i do love him. no one hates him. like he thinks he made them.
and it was nice of him to get the book
after that me and rachel ran to the jim for intramural floor hockey
with our team of guy friends
and their team is named the "Ragin' Hormones"
and everyone loved their jerseys sean made with sharpie
and it was distracting and a TACTIC
ooh ahh
and they tied but shouldve won because the other team had 23947203974 free agents that were varsity hockey players so poo them in their face.
i gave curran my scarf because i hoped to see him again
after that me and em scooted to her house to laugh for hours and hours about the same things and lament the lovely other halves not being in her abode
renee and rachel arrived
we ran away to matt's where he curran and clarky were jamming on his veranda
to listen to their music in the lair underground and curran gave me back the scarf
and then we ran outside in jackets and scarves and cold
to be greeted with steam out our mouths and the twinkling of eyes in the sky all blue and
we lied down on the snow and looked
at the galaxies and infinite infinity
things were peaceful
and he keeps me warm.
we walked back inside and upstairs to the loft where the chairs are soft
let the telly play its movie while no one listened or watched
enjoyed dim lights
and reclined in content comfort while the night ticked by
and as all things do end emily's maternal figure picked us up to drive back
we parted regretfully
and back at emily's utopian home sat in the red room
and talked about sweetest kisses and stories
reminisced about years and years ago
and drifted off to sleep in our clothes
the morning came quickly enough at a small number
with yellow light pouring in her glass door
to the yellow room
her mother was cooking like she always was filling the house with wafting good
and we all took deep breaths
ate toast and omelettes (du fromage)
and of course
the recluses we are
ran up to the red room
to only see the same thing played
consecutively when we changed the channel three times
we all left
i went home
and took a walk, listened to songs about vases flowers yards sunlight
the day was made for me and i for it
and i watched a plane draw pretty parallels across the sky
today was lovely
the air was soft and cushioning for a fall im sure to take
it is not dry and sneering
like it has been before
and is so often during nighttime.
the ceiling was unlimited
i could watch heaven
after i returned i took a shower
and clean and unsullied enjoyed the rest of the day
tonight is the coffee house
local music and lovely food
and lovely friends
too bad aleks isnt playing, poor band member
but he found something else to do
(we shall all miss him i suppose)
chillblane + new members = playing = interesting
i get to hang out with rachel
that makes me happy
i dont get to do this much
relationships make my level of intelligence and coherence dip
but it does not matter
not that ignorance is bliss
but love is
i dont know where to start
monday i dont remember
tuesday finn curran and jim and i, we drove in finns shit volvo down to dynasty and ate lots of food, and he threw crackwhore sweet and low at jim and me and curran was the savior. we ate and talked and ate and caused a disturbance and were the only ones in the restaurant and when jim switched the tip to less than 10 percent finn ran out of the place and we peeled out of the parking lot and jims door flew open and he almost fell out but it was ok and he parked next to my brother just to piss me off.
so we ran inside without my incriminating scarf and i talked to aleks a bit which was nice because we never ever talk anymore and then i went to robotics till 5 and we worked on the net and nothing works and nothings good but i'm going to maryland and new york with them which is nice because maybe i'll learn something
like how to work
and so that will be nice and the net doesnt work or ball collection or arms.
but it can move
wednesday after i left they went on a "holy shit its 6 pounds over" killing spree, drilling random holes in supports and profile to cut down weight and completely getting rid of the trap door and whatnot and now its a pound under
but it said an empty plastic box weighed 8 pounds so i really dont know what to say to that
645 wednesday night curran picked me up to go to Passim and it was beautiful, we met Johnny Earthquake and saw 3 performers- had a vegetarian pizza and all was well, cambridge was beautiful, harvard square is beautiful at night
lights and music
oh wow oh wow.
currans mother thinks im an ignoramus and she tried to explain to me what conservatives and liberals are (massive misunderstanding) but i dont know how to tell her i'm relatively interested in politics.
nonetheless wednesday night was beautiful
thursday is a shithole
morning was a shithole
everyone was sad
middle was shit, except for a bright light of writing a story of arrest and customs on my painting
end was supreme shit
no entries for literary magazine
no friends
no happiness
curran sad
+ problems
horribly in school
herz is being strange
i cried this morning
i cried tonight im crying everywhere because everyting is absorbing everything
i dont know what to do
piano was stressful i found no beauty in music and it made me panic
linda
scary
dont
know
what
to
do
shit.
shit shit shit shit i dont know what to do with myself
because everything is covered in everything
idiots of the day (no offense)
today was beautiful.
i went to chris c's and we sat and ate lots of vegetables and chips, and watched 2001 a space odyssey.
i was in shock. and awe.
when i was around 6 i had seen it, and somehow i remember there being a romance in it.
i was horribly wrong and i think i was making up a plot.
but nonetheless it was nice to talk to chris again, he is lovely.
then we ventured and talked to his mother, who thought alfred hitchcocks "the birds" was happening outside the window, but they were doves. well she thought they were. i dont know.
she made gingerbread, so we ate some of that and it was golden and godly and we drank orange dry. he has such a lovely home. and a lovely family. i am dark green with envy.
it is such a...home.
it is so comfortable.
nonetheless i left at 430 to be driven home and we listened to Mum, and it was beautiful and inspiring and made my gray day all of the colors of the hawaiian license plate rainbow.
then at 440 we ventured off and picked up wonderful curran (who didnt hear the doorbell because he was playing guitar/listening to music/whatnot) and went off to emily's to begin a movie, listen to music, be happy in arms and couches and throw blankets over televisions, watch the stars and the moon and get frostbite on fingers on walks around streets hop in puddles and watch matt spin around the lawn, be clumsy and happy.
i love people i love.
they make the world so beautifully happy with their eyes. and consciousness! and words and smiles and affection and stumbly words of affection.
then on the ride home ms chunn was lovely and talked to us and wasnt awkward like things often are in cars with parents.
and now i am here. i do not want to go to school tomorrow. i would like to be free. lsafmpqowemropqwimer maternal paternal bull.
makes me sad. makes me dead.
why cant i be free? and happy?
what is there to worry?
it protects me from myself.
well then
i feel like shit because i'm home again
a lot of things are happening all at the same time
the sky is soggy here
i miss
a. fresh air
b. labios maravillosamente suaves
c. streets of village west
d. when music brought happiness
i had a dream about thailand and airplanes flying low, then i woke up and the window was open to the street and snowplows were making the noises of low flying planes
and the song guienevere was playing from somewhere talking about pentegrams and golden hair
i became panicked and could not fall asleep
the next morning every lift was closed and some divine wind blew clouds over the world
we packed up early and left our warm box lodging
and here i am
clean after 4 days
here is what happened
in a censored sort of way
February 19, 2004
5:28 p.m
Thursday
Second night.
Yesterday conditions were beautiful. I had forgotten how much I had missed skiing- something so inexplicably beautiful.
The false aesthetics of inside (if aesthetics can be false) were put to shame. It is so vivid. So vivid and so happy.
As soon as I was out I was surrounded by smiles and obscenities, open mouths and people strung up on lifts like Christmas lights in bright jackets with strange stickers on the helmets covering their heads and prominent features.
Yesterday was very beautiful. Cloudless, with a slight dry and comforting breeze made of winter sun and I loved how the weather channel labeled the ceiling unlimited. I looked up a lot after I saw that.
Going up and down and up and down I began to make up stories, but it was beautiful nonetheless.
Kind of extraordinary and surreal, to glide down miles of beautiful white crystallized rain, on two flat colorful pieces of metal creating poetry with swoops of legs and knees and plastic.
Glorious, was the way a guy on the lift put it. He was from Boston, and had been coming here 6 years.
I couldn’t put my finger on his accent. It sounded Columbian. What is it with me and Columbians.
Today was glorious.
In all forms of the word.
There is definitely some truth to the antidepressant of sunlight.
I appreciate that.
Thank you, whoever.
I had been feeling tragic epic small and delicate on the ride here. I listened to music and curled up inside myself for five hours, watched silouhettes of trees outside car windows and felt the coldness of the curved glass on my cheek. I stared a few passengers down. Only one didn’t look away. Some strange very dark atmosphere’d boy probably my age.
I must be going.
Dinnertime.
February 20, 2004
8:44 pm
Friday
Today was a really nice day in general, mother was attempting and failing to send people on guilt trips and that made her even whinier.
The morning was frigid clean and beautiful, strange people said hello to me, and waved, all over the place. I don’t know if I had something on my face or if I look like someone else.
This happens every year, wherever I go.
So many beautiful things here.
When riding up the lift later in the evening the wind blows up the mountain, and the late light illuminates it, so there are flat clouds of silver sliding up the trails. And you can watch the shadows creep over the mountains with their miniature trees, look at the people dangle from the strings of lifts down the mountain in their brightly colored jackets and contemplate everything singing a song in your head on the ride down.
Its so beautiful.
I can feel the atrophied muscle in my right leg, however, and I suppose I have the skiing equivalent to a limp resulting from the broken ankle. I turn more to one side than the other and do the same, balancing.
Me and Nate did White Nitro late this evening, when the light was dim and you couldnt see the differences in texture of the snow. No one was on that side of the mountain- and for good reason- we slid down the entire thing, it was just a sheet of ice at 70 degrees or so. Completely insane, and I made it down (though Nate took an uber crash earlier that day!) only to stop with the same powder pile as last time, and being so relieved I made it down I forgot about that whole inertia thing, and as much as my skis stopped my upper body did not, and I flopped in the exact place as earlier.
Nonetheless it was a crazy run we really shouldnt have done, but there was something to be said about the solidarity of that side of the mountain, when all of the lifts are closing down.
Ive been saying Uber all of the time lately. Too much time around Nate. I swear to god.
We leave tomorrow. I’m going to miss this. So many beautiful people. And places. And things to do and thoughts and dreams.
It will be a culture shock to go back to school, with ugly lights dusty floors overbuffed and girls wearing black guck around their eyes and guys who smell like cheap spray on deodorant. It is so fresh here. Everyones face is pink from wind and sun, pink in a healthy happy way like we have all drunk too much, the sun is cold and clear, the air blows around invisibly and the only light is halogen from the Cats roaming the mountain turning it all into corduroy.
I suppose the late day skiing, when the lifts are closing, is for people who have enough faith in their skiing not to care about conditions or visibility- only about lift lines. I’m the type who cares about their life as well as their lifts, so I suppose the optimal time would be 8 o clock, first on the lift, would be wonderful if I had that sort of self discipline and didnt get caught up in the easy weariness of every morning.
I feel healthier here. Found my niche.
In later years I could volunteer as a ski patrol (free season ski passes for you and family if you volunteer 20 days!) stay at some budget hostel (redundant I know) and write little epics (contradictory) and be a happy woman.
Something so healthy here.
Does something for the ego.
To not let the degree of temperature or slope control you. A delicate balance of arrogance and caution.
I will miss this. But alas, it is time to pack, tomorrow a grand cloud will bring us a storm for our morning ski down the mountain, then it is into the quasi-suburbia-truck to drive hours musically staring out windows to a home which is torn apart because I couldn’t find something I needed to pack.
Among other reasons.
I will truly pine for this mountain and its people and its stories, its sport and white, and snow and lodging. And lights and pink and hardpack and sheet ice.
But alas we leave the places we love the most, only to forget how much we love. Out of sight, out of mind. But if one is stupid enough to get out of sight, I suppose they deserve it. Forgetting they love.
is what bohemian revolution? what is?
the lights
from the windows
are really beautiful
from the towers
of a french pronounced
pastry town
valentines day, curran snuck up with a red rose and bear.
hes so beautiful.
guitar club was nice, i broke my phobia of playing in front of others, we took the late bus and walked around my neighborhood with their equipment and someone pulled up beside us and asked if we were in a band. they seemed excited when we said no.
we got to my house and decided to watch the sandlot.
then we listened to otis redding/jimi hendrix live vinyl (wild thing. oh the irony) and side 3 of the song remains the same soundtrack on vinyl.
then we ate massive amounts of food from north pond house.
then everyone went home.
the fourteenth i went to currans and gave him his present, which he liked (i think)...we watched a movie on my list, his dog tried to eat me (in a friendly LETS HUG AND TERRORIZE THIS GUEST type of way) looked at his vinyl collection and listened to some music. twas nice.
thursday lit mag was busy, lots of stupid ballads that were disgusting, so we had a false poetry reading and made fun of them. we're so cruel. but who cares.
currans submission was beautiful. even chris was impressed. another one for the yes folder.
the no folder is officially 1.5 inches thick.
the yes folder has officially 4 things in it.
listened to neutral milk hotel on the tinny school speakers, gave an excuse to remo, realized i was late for piano, ran off, had piano, had fun, blah blah, drove off to natick, perused the record store, bought 213987429038740923784029387 dollars worth of vinyl and a 2 dollar carmen sandiego cd for my collection (ha!)
and of course got curran the CSNY record for v-day.
then i walked down the street into this little florist that smelled like petaled heaven and payed for the parking meters outside its building, and bought 10 pink carnations and had them individually wrapped in the prettiest cellophane for all of my girl friends in school the next day.
then i drove home.
then came friday, which i already described.
too tired to do anything else.
really really bad few weeks.
i'm falling falling falling worth 250 dollars.
happy valentines day, loves
you are beautiful. you make people happy, you are splendid, you are perfect at you, which is what you are, and no one else is as good at being you as you are.
never let anyone make you think you arent worth the world, dont let people bring you down, and i know this is all extremely cliche'd but love yourself. love yourself and love others, acknowledge that everyone is human (including yourself) but that is beautiful. we have flaws, we make mistakes, and thats beautiful. arbitrarily.
spread some love today. appreciate the little faults in everyone. tell someone they're beautiful. bring someone a kiss. give your mother a hug.
make this more than a commercialized chocolate holiday.
we can do it. if we try hard enough.
smile at someone in the street. give some change to a homeless person. and have a conversation. make sure you tell everyone you love that you love them. the word gets thrown around too much. but how many people do you love? how many people know you truly love them? tell them. make them sure.
we are our own security net.
we are all we have.
i love you.
and thats all i have to say about it.
superpages
today was strange. nice though.
art we finished talking about...art
and i know what im doing for my large (LARGE) work.
Ah right. Capitalization.
Block study was silly. Tried to figure out the verb form of "fission", confused gigante, blah blah, went to look at art, visited em in textile design, etc etc. I'm panicking about school. Report card was ok but i realized this term i have NO KNOWLEDGE WHATSOEVER OF THE CURRICULUM. Because i have been so out of it.
Nonetheless I am feeling kind of happy. Aleks gave me a guitar lesson after school today, it went really well, and since i have some theory internalized (but not vocalized! ha) things are moving along nicely. But i think he sees now I'm not the fastest learner.
Ive got a few scales to practice over vacation. Very excited. I'm GETTING somewhere.
Finn almost burned my eye. But then i felt bad because he felt bad.
Curran stayed after as well and when I was trying to convince nate to drive us home he was all "Is he a hippy? He is! I'M NOT DRIVING HIM" and then this kid we call Canada chimes in with "Either he is a hippy, or hes going for the "Soccer Mom" look." Ahh wow.
And kevin chimed in with a wierd statement, after i ran in the CET room saying 'NATE CAN YOU GIVE ME A RIDE HOME' to which kevin said, "I'LL give you a ride home!" And then he made eyes/eyebrow raising. This is extremely out of character. SO extremely, in fact, that everyone in the CET room turned around and was silent and just looked at him, then everyone simultaneously said "....what?"
It was really weird. But we got on with it
and nate was nice and gave us a ride home.
Emily killed her antennas. It was sad.
Aleks said something kind of interesting today as well that made me think, towards the end of the day I was talking about how the smell of the guitar reminded me of summer, and how I always used to walk to Al's house. And he just starts talking about how i have a very distinct and "welcoming" smell, and that "Occasionally I'll get a whiff of it randomly, like in the car, and I'll be like, Hey, That smells like Elise, and then it'll be gone! Not to sound creepy or anything". And then he said "See? Youre on my mind" or something along those lines. Its funny how people think of other people, in terms of scent and touch and sound and not so often their image. Beautiful, in a way. And even further, people are so much more than their shells. I suppose that bit is obvious but... I dont know.
Things are nice. I'm not doing any schoolwork, and I feel guilty. But apart from that. Things are nice.
furniture has no say in life
today was really good in the beginning, day slugged by lazily warmly and beautifully, then 4th period i began to die. then i died. and was sent to the nurse.
i slept over an hour, wasnt woken up by the bell, and missed the bus. got picked up at 2 for appt.
apparently in the hour i was gone a rumor flew around that:
a. i threw up
b. i threw up and went home
c. i fainted
d. i almost died
e. i was sick
and i suppose a few are almost right. but what really happened was all of the sudden everyones voices were loud and abrasive, i couldnt stand anything, my eyes felt like they were falling out of my face, i got the shakes and asked to leave, walked in-stupor to the nurses office where she shooed me to a bed, where i promptly fell asleep and i think i dreamed in a soap opera. or maybe there really was a girl in the nurses office talking about how her boyfriend was an (ahem) bad word, i dont know.
strange how things can change fast.
searched for record shop for you know what.
once i was home i did my homework like a good little prostrate girl and felt disgusting, tried to go through my crap cd pile to figure out what to sell, couldnt bear parting with any of them, i kept having memory waves.
i need $. goddamn. but aleks labeled me a pack rat and that is so true.
damn.
trip got moved again. now im home v-day.
goodie.
i called dejavu records and a lady with a rather strange accent was on their machine, saying
"THANKS YOU FOR CALLING dejavurecords WE ARE NOT AVAILABLE. rightnow."
then i hung up.
listen up looks like a better bet.
went on mIRC on the us.chatnet.org server and finally found the esquivel track listing.
talked to soni. who is beautiful.
curran called all concerned because of the rumors of me being dead and all.
which was nice.
we talked about ayn rand, objectivism, far right and far left, stream of consciousness, and a million other things we dont have definitive answers to for maybe an hour.
i finally found someone i can talk isms with. i am so lucky.
then my dad called and i had to hang up.
I just realized I'm not capitalizing. Shame on me.
I need to work on that.
Nonetheless I'm supposed to go to bed early, on account of my dying and all. I need to shower first though.
Goodnight.
Sorry about that.
I hope the world's headaches go away.
It is so tough, to be full of self pity. Everyone always thinks its brought on by the person but if it was, and they knew it felt like shit, they would change it. Even if it did cause pity. I suppose i pity some of my friends full of pity for themselves. And they know it feels like shit.
I hope the world's headaches go away.
Today aleks, andrew, and curran told horrible horrible jokes for about two hours. And eventually everyone stopped laughing. And hall-man kicked us out, so we went to the sen. balcony and sat on the couches spilling their innards.
Then the janitor kicked us out and we went back to the hall.
Affections quelled my doubts.
Working on carr project. A little nervous but general apathy towards scholarly issues (i.e.- havent done a drip of homework) keeps that down.
Apparently theres a pop-ska show at the palladium the 20th.
My room is littered with glass bottles filled with cherry dregs and the room smells sweet and fermented. It is disgusting and sultry and messy. I need a paper room with paper walls that are backlit by the sun and moon and lined with tatami mats on the floor, so i can sit and read fine literature in terry socks and drink my clear tea.
I need clarity.
I took 5 walks today. I need my rousseau class back. It was my stress sieve.
I need to calm down. Abstract thinking has been like a swarm of angry bees or an electron cloud and my head is the nucleus, so EVERYTHING is miles and miles away from my field of vision. And theres all these bees and electrons in the way anyway.
I feel very small. Not entirely unpleasantly. Chessare looked like a felix clock today, those cat clocks that every time their tail sways a second passes and their eyes do the creepy rolling thing. And when the batteries run out they always seem to be stuck WIDE OPEN STARING DIRECTLY AT YOU ALL THE TIME.
I want to learn more about Milosevic. (sp?) Curran got me curious again, says theres a video on serbia i really need to see.
He wants to major in organizing. I want to major (possibly) in journalism. Maybe when we are mature and flowering I will write an article for Newsweek on a peace rally he organized that helped the world and its headaches. That would be beautiful. We would be roses.
I think I am learning to capitalize. I am getting better.
We're all getting better.
IT HAS BEEN ALMOST 24 HOURS
AND IT SEEMS LIKE 2398471029873401928374 AND -.1231997 AT THE SAME TIME.
I HAD A DISGUSTING DAY.
YOU ARE DISGUSTING ROAD SALT AND CARS DRIVE THEIR FEET ALL OVER YOU.
i dont feel the need to be loved by anybody.
uck foff.
CONTEMPORARY PHOTOGRAPHERS MY BEHIND.
YOU ARENT ARTISTIC IF YOU KNOW IT
youre beautiful, beautiful.
hahahaha I AM SUCH A DORK
ok, now that that is out-
tomorrow = school = social interaction = no fun.
ALL YOUR DREAMS ARE OVER NOW.
dead.
blech.
uninspired.
it was no accident.
fffffffcccck. uck. uck.
what a gross bland day.
this is how i feel today.
few bad things.
one, im not going to be home for valentines day.
two. my friends are bored. which just rubs in my face that i dont have TIME to be bored.
three. senior slide started second term freshman year. what happens when i get the report card?
other than that.
thumbs up.
whoop.
not enough time
mmm. life is so delicious. i want to eat the sky.
i want to sleep in the snow.
i'll be making it through this time.
friday's early dismissal led to a string of lies to authorities, running around getting loves and then getting out at 1:30 anyway.
drove to the casa in a beat up silver van with emily and the guitars in the trunk, sliding all over in the inches of snow and slush and smush and slow.
went to the red room.
watched movie with matt and curran. talked.
curran is gone the entire weekend. ahh well.
after that em and i talked for hours, ate an amazing warm dinner and "special" orgasm brownies while listening to beethoven's guitar and then we drove away, listened to eric in the evening jazz and got home, talked, listened to queen and toasted the stars with black cherry in glass bottles while rummaging through my vinyl and listening to music from 20-40 years ago.
we're both so lucky. so are they.
reciprocated luck. its so beautiful.
ive been smiling all week.
i danced in puddles today.
this morning we carted em home at early hours, drove on sloppy slippy roads to la escuela, listened to the black crowes and zeppelin and li's crap music.
did robotics from 9 AM to 3ish pm. mgmh. then i went and got mi madre a birthday present. speaking of which, she's home from scotland. and she bought me a leprochaun!
its sitting with my cat in the hat, penguin, rubber duck, elephant, monkey with cymbals, etc etc.
me and rachel designed the tee shirt. yay for PR.
my mom told me i was giddy today.
thats so unlike me.
megan came up to me friday and just said... "someones in love!" and im like "...no?" and shes like "but now whenever i see you you're all smiling and like YAY WORLD"
i suppose that bit is true.
the same was said by em. and rachel. and everyone.
i suppose its an improvement. heh.
life is gorgeous.
busy, yes. but wonderful.
intuition through the choices you face.
damn. just lost the entire entry.
overview with no frills:
morning - nice, grape juice and breakfast and henry miller.
social studies me and tierney laughed half the class because of run on sentences by ancient chinese that got our grammar confused.
then had art, went andy warhol and listened to james taylor and 80s music that everyone knows. (cough TEARS FOR FEARS cough)
tomorrow is watercolor block, woot.
then wellness. colored all over wellness folders, sean at girls table.
then english block, conversation about everything with janine meg and curran, then got morbidly sidetracked with gigante about dead people (note the morbidness) and it was disgusting and we disgusted ourselves (not to be redundant or anything redundant like that).
then lunch. just greaat.
but the nice little nice lady in the store gave me a pen for free because i didnt have a dollar. now THAT is the way to run a business.
shes so nice. it was purple. and i wrote a poem with it.
speaking of which, editing going well, up to page 20 ish.
in science i finished early so i walked around with jason and talked about jobs etc. then when he went to his class i walked around with aleks.
then i went back.
then i left.
then the bell rang.
i miss rousseau's class.
also speaking of which, after school i went to newspaper which ended very fast... talked to remo and rousseau and jim about the true minor threatesque roots of emo and had an argument about pop culture, listened to stevie wonder and i couldnt get it out of my head. but now tears for fears is in my head. really really bad.
every
body
wants to
rule the
wooooorld.
do, do
(do do do do do ! do do do do do!)
and mrs remo even knows about the curran ordeal. she labeled him as the "kid in the art class who always wants to play depressing vietnam anti war songs". apparently everyone knows. kind of eerie.
anyway. cant wait for tomorrow. woo! em's. should be fun.
and possibly thrifting with jim over weekend. for cotillion (cotillian?) dress. for the cotillian (cotillion?) i might be going to. i dont know.
and for a record carrying bag. and a record player.
uber.
all my grades dropped. senior slide starting second term of freshman year. so uncool.
agh.
so much for scholarships, eh.
i'm content, for the most part.
which is nice.
aleks gave me another cd today. hes given me a lot of things, lately. a lot of sorries, then a lot of flowers, then a lot of cds. hes so nice.
everyone is being nice.
finn is being nice (for once!) and thats rather surprising as well.
jason is being nice.
whats up with all this being nice?
youre supposed to be mean, its february. what the heck.
but i'm not complaining...glad everyone seems happy. hope they all really are.
goodnight.
ding ding NEW
new photos in album section
guitar club jan 30 2004
pictures of matt, renee, mandy, chris, curran, andrew. woo
in the whole wide world.
Deadbushstocks: doesnt really float my boat if you float me
helloelise68: celebacy
Deadbushstocks: float?
helloelise68: flat?
helloelise68: get.
Deadbushstocks: float
sorry about all the (see above)s.
i just...
ah screw it. no excuse.
nonetheless. very very content.
after a lot of people coming into EVERY SINGLE PERIOD TODAY looking for me and being like "HEY ELISE WORD HAS IT THAT _________" and then spilling the beans all over the linoleum, i tried to run away after school w/finn and jim etc and emily dragged me back and blah blah.
so yeah. twas nice.
bunch of people randomly after school in munafo's room playing guitar, talked to him about keyboards and record players. talked with curran about religion and existentialism, which was interesting.
stream of consciousness thing always scares me a bit. more than a bit.
intro to art, new semester, new class.
happy class.
we're drawing tiny little arbitrary objects in 9 different ways.
mine was a plastic rectangle with rounded edges with fake gold paint on the front and a turtle embossing. we cant figure out what its for.
i had the rockapella cover of tainted by the fruit of another in my head all of the day.
aleks made me an opeth cd. happy day! its very gorgeous.
jim made me a set of 6 cds INCLUDING ORCHID which is extremely gorgeous. happy day.
i read a lot of plath today. broke out the poetry performances set and started listening.
she doesnt look how she sounds. but she sounds how she writes.
i wish i knew her.
i want things to slow down.
tainted by the fruit of another.
helloelise68: YES 80s SYNTH
rachew1119: exactamundo
rachew1119: wow scratch that
i love rachel. and her 80s nostalgia songs.
ahhh.
pushing, pulling, conservative rolling.
ah wow.
i'm full of music.
i'm so content.
i feel like a hammock, as i told rachel.
slow, content, happy. sun warm.
broken and frayed and happy. at the ends.
everything is slow.
today nothing happened.
it was beautiful.
happy. sad. sleeping. incongruent.
today. meh.
i feel large and unwieldy and gross.
i suppose its a meditation hangover.
rachels party shouldve been nice. halftime we looked at stars. and the moon. and commented on orion's waistline.
rachel me em renee andrew ian matt and curran showed.
which made for some awkwardness.
i suppose it was nice. i was hoping for halftime so we could've watched history.
move your face, as andrew so delicately puts it.
i feel sick.
i dont want to go anywhere tomorrow.
..
It was beautiful. This evening was so incontestibly incontrovertibly beautiful.
at 12 curran came to pick me up, me him and his mom drove up to cambridge listening to some wonderfully beautiful music and when we got there, we walked in...it was this strange little victorian house, 4 stories, i think, but when you walked inside, it was so white, so clean, so quiet- and everything was in its place. It automatically made you hush your voice and walk gently...we told the man our names, curran's mom showed us around, and left. They had a little shoe rack, and you walked around the building in your socks- because most of it was all this soft white carpet, and the top floor, the meditation hall, was of softly heated wood floors. It dulcified everything.
We put our shoes on and looked at the garden, though it was rather small (we were in the middle of cambridge, honestly) so we went back inside and up to the meditation hall. It was the most beautiful room- the top floor, covered the entire plot of the top floor, the walls were white and gently sloping inwards, with those windows that almost stick out in their own little rooms, and the top of the celing was a beautiful window covered partially with ricepaper, and it was full of natural light. There were the pillows on the floor for us, and we sat down and began.
It was amazing the difference between what i was doing independently and what happened here- i think i fully meditated so to speak, and didnt get lost as i normally do. It was so amazing. So beautiful.
As the evening went on the light moved around the room almost like a clock, we did walking meditation, sitting meditation, what i used to call mindfulness of breathing meditation, and metta.
Everything seems so much more real.
When we left the light was getting dim and the halogens were turning on, and we walked gently around the room again, and did the last meditation.
Then we all walked quietly down the stairs, quietly put our shoes on, and quietly left.
I still feel quiet. And very in myself.
The vividness of the outside was almost shocking after the pale soft quiet everything that was in the insight center- the lights were beautifully bright, the signs were beautiful colors, the music was beautifully complicated, the streets were beautifully dirty and all of cambridge was gorgeous to me as we got lost and drove badly.
as we drove home and kept hitting the rumble strip and curran kept telling his mother where to go, we decided to get some nourishment, so we stopped at my favorite rest stop and got wraps. i ate half of his and he ate half of mine before we realized we had eachothers. and he payed for mine, thats so nice.
driving home we listened to steve earle and jack johnson and one leonard cohen song, and all was well, and i could see the moon and mars and was content. Today was beautiful, irrefutably.
Everything is so singularly delicate and separate and wonderful, so much more real, authentic.
Today was pulchritudinous, my god. So unbelievably beautiful.
and the wind cries mary.
mmm mm, mm.
today was sparkling. computer art first period. last class ever. i printed the self portrait and only after i had left did i realize...i'll never ever have that class again. i suppose the finality of it is the thing that brings me down the most.
went for hot chocolate w/sean second period. third period, watched romeo and juliet, talked with curran about homelessness. janine and megan had a 4 minute girl laughing.
i read high fidelity all of science so i didnt absorb much...geo was finishing the quiz and then we had a wonderful get-up-get-together and ate lots of beautiful cookies from meg and ate other things.
And watched patriots videos.
After school was wonderful guitar club, my ears began losing the tune because of the massive amounts of noisefuzz...but it was gorgeous nonetheless, in a gritty we're kid musicians kind of way.
i got initiated as a freshman with a urinal cake. along with em. woo mandy. venturing where all freshman girls have gone before.
woot.
After geetah club me curran chris em and matt drove down to bills, ate lots of pizza and fries and talked and em did her man-burp and all was well. AND FINN BROUGHT ME POMEGRANATE JUICE AND I LOVE HIM. ah wow finn. he bought a bottle of blueberry pomegranate pom wonderful and drove it down to bills and walks in. and hands it to me.
i feel such love.
after this was all done i had to go and we had a massive group hug and for some reason finn came back and i think he was in the parking lot the whole time though he denies it.
i went home and sent photo to bob. AND NOW ITS FRONT PAGE HOPNEWS! WOO look! guitar club! photos by elise. yay.
then i showered. then i drank more pomwonderful and felt happy and full of ambrosia and played some piano and read my entire book of niedecker again and kept going on the rewrite of the pigeon, and all is well.
i'm trying not to worry.
tomorrow. meditation = happy girl. i'm so anxiously awaiting. if i was the type to rock back and forth in my chair i would so be rocking back and forth in my chair right now. if i was the type to do that.
sunday. rachewshindig. must make dip, ahh. and become EMOTIONALLY PREPARED.
ahaha.
sorry. weird mood.
everyone is lovely. you are beautiful! you make people smile, you make people happy, you make people see beauty in things, you are lovely. go sit down and appreciate yourself. then keep on being the beautiful specimen you are. & sleep well.
"hey, behind you"
at least i get warnings now.
today was a volatile day full of coteries of bad things. and a wonderful coterie of good.
everyone is getting me very worried about the whole human-dying aspect of them.
all of my tests. blech.
lots of things happening.
on a mediocre level i think (noun) likes another girl. i think i made high honors. i think i might become the real keyboardist in a band. i think i might get jazz piano lessons. i saw maffei today and it was strangely awesome. so was the tofu that jim let me have. jim distributed his crap cd spindle. i took thirty and i'm having a lot of fun (cough) listening to his uncles band. me curran ben and rachel had another snowball fight at lunch. we got kicked out. er...in. and i was wet all of spanish class. tomorrow is my last computer art class. that makes me so exceedingly sad. and i dont think i'll finish my portrait. i'll miss it. a lot. a huge amount. ah wow. ahhh wow. and this means half of my freshman year is over. forever.
on a less mediocre level i'm worried about a few people i'm very close to leaving me/us/the world/everything we know forever. its scary to know neither i nor they know where they could be going.
very painful sense of time. i feel so rushed again.
goddamn. living makes me worried. i think i'm needing saturday more and more.
i love all of you. a lot of people do. please dont forget that, wherever you go.
wow i love humorous breakfastfood and jokes from 4 years ago when we didnt know what was funny
emiwy123: so whats up?
helloelise68: nothin really
helloelise68: you
emiwy123: nuffin muffin
emiwy123: hehehehehe
helloelise68: heh
helloelise68: MUFFINS NEPHEW
emiwy123: wow i'm in a weird mood
emiwy123: OH YEAH!!!
emiwy123: HAHAHAHAHHA
emiwy123: good times
anyway.
today was nice i suppose. morning listened to music. computer art block period. i'm going to miss rousseau & class. that was just such a kickin' class. still not done self portrait.
third lunch we had a snowball fight and i got one on my bum. and my hands froze. but it was well worth coming to school in the blizzard for that.
i am the new antioxidant superpower. pomegranates can kiss my behind.
speaking of which. if you want me to love you for ever and ever. buy me a beautiful pomegranite shaped bottle of mangopomegranate antioxidant goodness. coughWWW.POMWONDERFUL.COMcough. coughTHEYSELLITATCOLLELLAScough.
Excuse me. I had something in my throat that i felt the need to dictate while typing.
heh. heh.
everyones making fun of me because i like a freshman.
thats so uncool.
ive got so many quizzes/tests tomorrow. 4 out of 5 subjects.
holy god.
i cannot wait for rachels shindig. woo. even if it is lilliputian.
its going to thoroughly rock my casba.
so is meditation. ahhh. i am massively looking forward to it. ahhh. this weekend is going to be kickin'. la la la kickin.
linda was awesome today. i need to buy her a present.
I just untied all my knots and went downstairs and improv'ed for an hour on the piano. It was beautiful. I feel emptied and cleaned and my entrails are all over like some sparkling innard garland that is full of beauty and everything i wanted to get out of me.
I love you.
oooh ee ooh!
helloelise68: mgh.
xXPaper BridgeXx: a bit grainy in texture
helloelise68: i guess i'd have to try
xXPaper BridgeXx: hey! dont you "mgh" me!
elise has yet to try grits.
NONETHELESS.
mandy mandy fo mandy wrote her name on my hand. ahaha. dont i feel studly.
i'm very content.
things are going well.
cant wait for the weekend.
oh. and my geo teacher is trying to set me up with something. THATS SO BAD. ahhh. IM NOT A GEEK I JUST WEAR COLLARED SHIRTS AND GET SET UP BY MY MATH TEACHERS.
ahhahaha. thats so bad.
super duper busy. got chased around because of an alcoholism packet.
sean is making words out of my name. so far, he has:
else
lee
lees
see
lei
leis
lie
lies
largesse
geese
large
lisel (??)
easel
gar
ill
sill
grill
grills
rile
riles
ass
asses
sear
sears
seer
seers
gear
gears
sari
saris
sail
sails
gail
gale
phew.
nothing beautiful nor exciting happened today. everything is dumpy.
well, i wore a silk shirt. and somewhere in the middle of my thought processes it occured to me...dude. guess whos wearing a cocoon.
so then i spent the rest of my day looking at all the little threads.
worked on pneumatics in robotics. mmmghre. no wiring team. again.
more effeminate discrimination. again.
ah well.
all is well, busy, but well. happy everything. well, only things that really have a right to be happy. so if your sentient, that means you! woo for that.
"which came first...
the chicken or the egg? or the hate?"
"I did!"
ah wow.
i have had such a major few days.
friday was beautiful. saturday was beautiful. sunday was beautiful. and today was, as well.
meditation plan solidified- anxiously awaiting saturday. rachew is throwing a kickin' party super bowl sunday. because kickin' is my new word and because thats what it is.
sunday madre y yo went to an auction of a liquidated estate...guy spent too much and his high living cost him everything. saw some original matisses and pissaros. tres interesting. but they yelled at me to stop taking photos of the mansion. (it was a beautiful building! i still got around 50 anyway). i saw the blonde ben l. there. but people there were very pushy. and asked for private information.
so we drove off and decided to visit a dumpy little antiques store. guy gave me 7 wwII patches. one is from the polish police, i think... my favorite one is the musical division of the marines, or something like that.
i must call him about a jacket.
after that we went home and i worked on homework and had a splendid night. listened to more leonard cohen. felt very at peace.
things are coming together.
today i got to school. everyone was loving. gym was..interesting. dodgeball. a bit painful. but since it was first period, they turned on the lights. the lights in there take forever to go on, and they do very very gradually, while changing colors- its like a false sunset. beautiful nonetheless. english we read more shakespeare...yes. science was review and it turns out none of my midterms are midterms at all..only tests!
CHEERS FOR THAT.
nonetheless geo block was surprisingly tolerable. & i actually understand now thanks to mi madre.
lunch was nice. though we got a disgusting table. no, jeff didnt pee on the table...
anyway.
curran jeff and sean had about 15 minutes worth of hockey flashbacks.
then we decided to go lay on the squish things in the gym. so we did.
and pondered the architecture of the school.
spanish went by like that. ------>(insert snapping noise here.)
after school talked to munafo about jazz piano lessons. all is well.
he said someone was looking for me and i got confused. turned out to be rachel and matt jamming in the office. and i found my dream keyboard. ahhhh. drool. oh god.
do i WANT THAT THING SO BAD.
digital w/ wav&midi interface, touch sensitive keys, foot pedal, full size keyboard, vol. control, headphone port and ohhh god it is my dream guy. i WANT IT. like a mother.
wow...i swear, i am regressing. first i said kickin'. now i just said i want it like a mother.
mgh. bye bye eloquent english.
ah but that keyboard is droolworthy. in its entirety. ahh wow.
enough about that...i left to go to robotics, none of wiring team was there coughJENANDKATIEcough
so i hung with the chassis team, tripped over a stool on my way out, visited nate in CAD and then left, was walking away when i was intercepted by a fragile brittle little person of love with flowers.
GO child.
thats the first time anyone has ever bought me flowers for something other than some sort of tap dance/jazz dance/ballet/ piano performance. i didnt perform this time.
i was overwhelmed.
ah wow.
wow wow wow.
spread the love. ohh god.
but then i had to go. so i did. and now i'm here. and now i'm going. because i have much stuff to do & i need to leave right after dinner. to hear yet another ignorant debate of the masses. about a religion they refuse to know nothing about.
happy day!
(well, it was. hope yours was too.)
world is full of love
i had a really beautiful friday afternoon till saturday night.
friday afternoon rousseau was silly. we played breakfast at tiffany's and everyone knew the words and sang along. it was a very happy friday and we all realized we were going to miss C.A.
after school i went to guitar club and it wasnt as wonderful as normal but they played some gorgeous things- curran did a feedback solo and matt soloed on watchtower splendidly. and everyone sung. but not.
after this i went home, then went to em's and we had a small get together w/ chris matt &others, ate massive amounts of disgusting food like gummy worms and cheez-its and watched almost famous, then all ended up in a pile of pillows on the floor.
crashed at ems. slept on couch in clothes. woke up early. went to dentist. got half of face numb becuase i dont react to novacane (novacaine? novacain?)
got home couldnt eat because i couldnt feel half of my damn FACE.
took a shower because partay was tonight. decided to 80-ify my hair. made it circular and gigantic and very very bonnie raitt.
but half my face was numb.
and then the doorbell rang. and i couldnt smile properly.
BUT YES. after 7 months. closure.
all is right. all is good!
everything is splendid. i feel like i could kick the world's behind if i needed to right now.
nonetheless after that wierd set of events i decided to take a nap. i slept for 3 hours or so not realizing it and apparently talked to rachel on the phone. and said massive amounts about "cold war movies". none of this i remember. i woke up not knowing what day it was. then...i realized...shit. few people are going to be over in 2 hours. but andrew was grounded, megan/tierney were busy, chris never showed. but we still had rachel em matt curran sean. which was a nice set.
we were going to watch dr. strangelove but em didnt understand it and neither did matt..so we switched to forrest gump.
drank lots of mt. dew and pepsi.
ate ice cream.
talked about "the beach thing".
almost broke my stove.
then curran left so i brought down some vinyl. we listened to the doors, big chill, and finally my prized zeppelin song remains the same soundtrack. got to listen to no quarter...yes...
we all zoned out and matt wanted drugs.
then everyone left. i cleaned the room and felt happy. and came up here.
i feel so kick ass right now.
yes.
ahhh. all is right with the world. in its entirety. in its little part that's mine.
i feel happy. in a complete way, for once.
ahh.
tonight was a good night.
I came home and fiddled. Listened to silence. Went outside. Came back in.
Did most of my homework.
Then decided to go christen the jetbubble bath and with tangerine and bergamot and magic beautiful flowers. And it was wonderful.
I read massive amounts of Robert Pinsky instead of doing my geo homework and made over a foot of bubbles. Then it was time for mr jet to go off. Then i tried to put my feet out of the bubbles but i couldnt stretch that far.
Read more pinsky.
Thought a lot about airplanes.
The jets made me nervous. Now that i see how our house is built i'm a lot more nervous about falling through it.
nonetheless i feel fresh clean unsoiled sparkling unsullied and much much better.
but guilty about not doing geo.
someone told me today that i was beautiful.
i know we all put so much weight on that word.
but it made things better. a little.
we all are beautiful though. if we acknowledge other's beauty and dont try to tear it down.
there is a spiral of stamps on my desk. probably worth 20 dollars. i'm using it as a yoyo. a very patriotic expensive adhesive yoyo.
woke up to strange man in room.
left cd player at school.
comfort object is documented.
letter to cicada sealed and to be sent in the manana (with a squig. but i dont know the key.)
for someone so productive i shouldve done my geo. heh.
its so sad.
i WILL remember jim's present tomorrow. i will i will i will.
this is where i want to live i think its beautiful
unreasonable!
kindness!
mandy and jen are amazing. they helped me get through today and for no reason are just the kindest people in the world to me. they make me think that people are nice after all. sometimes.
and chris is stupendous too. he also got me through the day. in other ways.
it seems to me the older my friends are, the less issues and corruptibility-factors they have- that they've already solved and figured out their problems as well as learned from them.
excessively bad day today. (haha! excess strausses!)
thinking about a lot of people.
avoided. felt bad. consciousness having conversation with self and putting self down.
so i told it to shut up. then i went home and got a scam letter and played on the piano for hours and hours. and got NOWHERE because i was disTRAUGHT.
yesterday, i was abandoned at home so i decided to turn the chime on the clock on to keep me company. then i got bundled, grabbed my camera, and went outside for adventures. i met a girl named hilde slkfwoprmeqwoerqwp(dont remember) who randomly talked to me, and then she took my picture with my camera and that was it.
strange.
then i returned home, warmed up, wrote much, cleaned much, listened to massive amounts of music, baked brownies, wrote a pleasant little report.
and chris came over and we watched a czech art film- a version of Alice in Wonderland, which was supremely beautiful. the sounds were wonderfully exaggerated, the animation was beautiful- stop motion- insanely creative. Its so amazing what people can create, from nothing. Or interpret.
It was dustily beautiful. Ahh wow. I was in a bit of shock afterwards.
Parents liked chris. Phew. I think it was his mention of scholarly achievements so to speak.
And our parents basically knew eachother. Which was amusing.
They talked about their jobs for a long time and me and chris stood awkwardly.
It has come to my attention that I'm perfectly happy the majority of the time when I am not in school. Fluorescent lights make people ugly, seats make people fat and floors make people dusty, and people make people sad.
I think I want to transfer. Parents wont pay for it though.
Enough babbling. I just think jen mandy and chris are stupendous and selfless and wonderfully (if strangely) kind. For no reason. Accolades to them, yay woo.
por el sean.
. and thats all there is to say.
amen to that.
update
birthday photos added in album section
indeed.
family issues never help.
256 mb xd card + cd player + camera case = $170 flying to technology heaven. never spent that much at once in my entire life.
epiphany of loneliness.
i want to leave.
focus on the important things...just add hot water
i'm tired of forgiving and forgetting. im not going to forget, we all know, and i forgive when forgiveness is due, which it very rarely is.
i'm not beautiful i'm not fun blah blah blah self pity blah no. we all have worth and we all should stop making eachother doubt that.
i'm tired of failure and im tired of negativity and im tired of self hate, im done with it all as much as i can be right now.
i know who i love. i know who loves me.
they arent exactly symmetrical sides, but who cares if i cry over that.
i wont soon enough.
and the people who dont reciprocate will be gone.
hoo-ray.
carcia sent me a 3 issue subscription to rosebud...hes stupendous. read half the issue last night.
makes me want to get published really really bad.
i'll probably enter the william staffard award contest for poetry.
kind of need INSPIRATION for that though.
(but i could use $1000 bucks, heh. and publication of course)
nonetheless tired of love and the lack thereof (sp?) but only a month till i get a chapter finished or i lose $20.
"the rescue contact"
never knew a full nights sleep could make you feel entirely repulsive.
temporary happies went away with sleep and thought and now all i'm left with are negative things that matter.
and i exceeded my data allocation or something.
no school today because its too cold. whoop dee doo.
forgot brownies for ian at home.
forgot to pick up essay.
and its -3 degrees at high noon.
everything is dying outside.
began coraline last night. and since i have no tolerance for anything i got scared and dreamed of rats balloons walls and doors.
mrrgh.
any traces of intelligence gone, cant keep up a conversation with even the most interesting person, or the most unintelligent one.
i think when i get down i get blatantly unengaging.
thats so sad. i'll lose all my friends.
really antisocial. snapped at everyone yesterday.
told finn to stick his head in his appendix void. when sean asked if i needed a hug i said no in a really sterile voice.
i'm getting so mean. ive got to stop.
YESSSS
complete crap day, tired of people tired of EVERYTHING
and pining for warm sun on my face i went home, listened to trailer park jesus, heard the words for the very first time (or at least truly noticed) and decided to redo my entire crap blog template.
so i DID AND IT WORKED ON ITS FIRST TRY AND YES. lots of new things i learned, too. a few hours of the same song on repeat, photoshop and html can do things to you.
but im so happy...finally...a temp i'm happy with...that worked with the blog code first try...and all the photos are my own! woo.
ahhh i feel proud, puffy stomached full ruffed!
nonetheless yay. but none of the subsites are done...heh...its time for sleep.
sonia is amazing. i had a really tough week this week...and she sent me a present...a rabbit with big pointy teeth (ahahhahaha) a beautiful cd and a note with DOODLES and a book and a bracelet...shes so nice. yay for sonia! woo duck!
ah i miss her. me and her must go adventuring soon.
completely made my evening....
my, some people set the contrast to other people...the worst make the best look better. so i guess they arent all that bad. but who am i to judge? heh.
i'll write later. time to attempt to sleep the sweet night away.
dont you just love when people cant look you in the eye
sorry. being overdramatic.
ahem.
having a really really rough week.
finally cracked yesterday. i got home. ate massive amounts of everything. humored my brother and played video games with him.
took shower.
went upstairs.
opened book for homework.
and then i died, cried and cried for hours and then i fell asleep. the end.
today was long and empty. everyone said phallic a lot. i hope that isnt because of me.
visited my favorite corner but it was cold.
everything was disgustingly frustrating and i wanted to punch everyone in the gut. but i wanted to punch myself in the gut for feeling that way.
i hate hate. i hate it i hate it dammit. no intelligent way to put that.
robotics again today. got kicked out again today. by larry who hates me and katie because we're girls.
felt like i was about to break down towards the end talking to aleks/chris. freaked out to some extent and just in time mi madre pulled up in her coche.
went to drug store. bought cat in the hat stamp set.
went home and ran around seussing everything. if i was young and undeveloped and stupid i couldve seussed the walls but alas id get in trouble now.
felt oppressed.
came upstairs.
realized i have lost all inklings of creativity anywhere in my anatomical personage.
sorry. i just think
everyone kind of needs to see this.
Koln (Cologne), in
germany. i might be going...ahh the dreams!
but its in two years anyway.
need to make $1000...heh...no easy feat.
trying really hard not to procrastinate on all those things i really want to do.
had a really bad newportesque evening but this morning... it was a conventional-cooperative-croissant type morning. beautiful.
early in the morning when all the light was still white and low me and nate drove to the donut shop to buy 3 dozen for the robotics kickoff. saw kevin way behind in line.
got to school and it was strange...never had been in a school on a weekend...oddly peaceful. seemed less dusty. but even more sterile.
so we went to the CET room and set up all the tables 6 times and decided on putting them the exact same way they were before...people began to arrive, segways arrived so we drove around on those (which was so stupendous! but impractical, sad enough) and then went in for the web broadcast. (after we worked so hard to get the computer going).
web thing started late, their truck broke down- then when it did play the framerate was so slow and it was impossible to watch without getting a headache, so we went to becker's room where it was feeding faster/smoother/etc.
still skipped though.
challenge seemed immensely difficult and ridiculous when i first saw it but...lot of talent and intelligence in that room. i guess i'll have faith.
so then we all got pizza etc etc, brainstormed, brainstormed again. lots of good but hugely complex ideas. seems to me (though i have far from an engineering mind) that if we can only do a few things, and those few things consistently, we'll be best off.
i'm pretty excited about robotics. i think its (to be a bit cliche'd here) a chance for me to challenge myself (wow this sounds bad) and to try to become more logical in my thought processes, develop engineering/scientific skills...its going to be interesting to work with a group of people whos strengths are my weaknesses. quite a trip for my ego...heh.
pretty exciting. woo woo!
i miss rachel.
ah rachel, rachel!
i missed her in school today. wasnt the same.
little rust-red quiet introspective aura left. and i'm left with brown and loud.
today better than yesterday.
found beauty.
in sound.
though i do miss rachel. i made her something today though...
tomorrow robotics kickoff. segways and all.
cannot wait for new york. yes.
dont feel like going through my entire day. but it involved butterflies, bob dylan, fuzzy ears, "lovin" and allie confessing she loved "booby." but of course she meant to type bobby.
we all know, allie. heh.
and 25 year olds in alaska..."wow what if there were 15 year olds in here". i love intelligent humor.
skipped crew meeting, got immersed in music. felt bad but...ahh, couldnt escape.
i guess it's what i truly love.
and wow, we just hit 0 degrees.
i'm off to go dance in the nothing... i suppose i'll write more later.
today.
got to school late wrapped in a sweater that smelled of another human.
felt like shmit.
everyone noticed much to my dismay as i tried to revert back to my "natural" state, false smiling.
watched the sun change colors through the shadows from the windowshade in computer art.
undermined the meaning of respect.
took a test. profound statement a la curran.
had a few hours of et ceteras.
last period had my literature of choice insulted and used as a straightedge. got called "feliz" instead of "elise". someone go punch irony in the face.
and of course, the lemon cake of the meal, the salt in the coffee, the static electricity from your tv, after school.
lit mag chair-porn porpoises man-boobs keys before food ribbons fertility bracelets farming sex angst-sh*t coochie woman and of course
on top of my sh*t pie, a healthy heap of no.
i should stop telling myself i dont give a shit and freak out at someone already. god knows i need that.
got in the car. argument with mother. "supposed to be happy, thats what youre supposed to do". not allowed to be sad anymore.
not even in a pseudo caring way was any of this said.
piano. my white tufted ginny was kind (am i that easy to read?) started me on a samba piece on the piano quays (am i REALLY that easy to read?)
got home. comfort in food. other than sh*t pie.
snuck out, walked to west main street. counted flats.
sat in abandoned flower stand. bleakness got to me so i watched planes fly by.
after my grand total of two i walked home and began to leak. i have this way of tipping my head so the tear ducts work better.
didnt work.
mom yelled when i got back in. blah blah blahnot happy blah blah inconvenience blah.
i guess im supposed to be a happy convenience.
i guess that would be nice.
tried to lose myself in piano again to no avail.
tried to finish hell, dante style. be-a-tri-ce (long last syllable) got me sad, had to stop.
had a day that showed i am blatantly human, blatantly flawed.
i probably needed it more than anyone else.
so between all this trying and guessing all i can think of other than the petty obvious is a notepad my butch/femme gym teacher had, many a year ago. all it said was, "will this matter a year from now?"
and all i can think is, its easy for you. youre inanimate.
thank you, human drama.
odio la emocion y el sentido humanos.
se parece traer más dano que bueno.
so much for sparks of grey, eh?
static energy.
world is delicious. life is a delicassen.
i want to put nylons over the world's perception and see how everything looks from in there.
i want to go. i want to stretch.
i want to love and be delicate, hmm?
confucius.
ruler = ruler. peasant = peasant.
play your role, play the game, protection, protector, virtuous, supporter.
comma comma space.
i want to be a drunken taoist reaching for the reflection of the moon in a lake and have my tipsy self fall out of my tipsy boat into the tipsy lake to drown, leaving an empire with no empress.
incoherent spheres! lets call my eyes.
two observers in a world of dark with light to fill the spaces.
mutual love is power, huh.
...
it seems so simple now, i know i still want in a world where there is nothing for me but sight, scent, and sound, touch thought and taste.
simple cannot overrule human nature, however. i walked through a world of pseudo nothing today.
i can watch birds through a cool window, i can be introspective, i can dance in falling snow.
and the sky and the trees turned the colors of the eyes of a boy i used to know, Christian, a brilliant milky collaboration of milky blue and painfully cold gray, with sudden anachronisms of a warm gold or sparkling artificial red.
it used to be easier, this. i was content in knowing, content in fully acknowledging and that bit, but knowing and shouting to the world does nothing when it comes to want.
nothing, the word of the day. and paradox. nothing paradox. a paradox of nothing, nothing like a paradox, paradox with nothing.
a beautiful, empty nothing.
i can almost hear it echo. if there was something to echo off. but of course, there cant be nothing when there is something, reverberations or otherwise.
trying to pretend i put mind over matter is invalid, mind over heart more so. i am tired of pretending that sense gets the best of me, i know i am melodramatic if left to my own devices.
him sitting behind me, no i cannot see him, but i know every eyelash, and if he taps a rhythm with his fingers i know what taps and distances will follow.
and her laughing, i know what about, i know every dip and rise, i know the curve of her cheeks, its all in my mind.
the predictability, me, you, them. everyone. everybody.
and sure we can weave beautiful tangled messes of notes from a slender bow of wood that looks too small for anybody's arms. sure, that same tree will paint a gently curving filigree of black capillaries against the sky which is nothing in itself, a vault of clear.
yes. i admit, there is beauty. there is want, there is passion, there is inconsistency and there is the human need for everything.
but there is nothing for understanding this. a problem not malleable is one thing, a problem known is quite another. and how to fix? a paradox, again.
nothing seems linear, nothing nothing nothing.
seriously, though.
if you had a choice between a circle, or a line- a line with two ends- which would you choose? i suppose it all depends on what lay within these but simplistically...lets generalize.
nonetheless. everything returns to its natural state, whatever natural defines. and i suppose that this is nothing, unless the something was always in existence. but i will be waiting for the blank, the void, the nothing, and i know i will not know when it strikes us- because once there is nothing, there is nothing to think about.
where do you carry it?
well.
i think its lets-give-elise-another-inner-struggle day. but im not complaining.
things'll be fine.
so after i thoroughly fouled my relationships with everyone i know in the senior class i got to gluing spaghetti and im actually getting somewhere. if one was to be poetic it is a rank golden wonder of architecture.
brother and self went out driving. blasted rolling stones and headbobbed and laughed and i felt better than i have as of late. a lot better. things are actually going to be fine. they actually are.
my brother carries his rhythm in his head, i think. all depends on when youre sitting and listening to a song, what reacts. i think i carry it in my shoulders. either that or my feet.
sharpie wings disappeared. i hope thats not blatantly symbolic.
i want to build a boat and sail into milky seas and be full of whimsy. goodnight.
six acrylic traditional coasters
na na na. happy. in a wierd, lopsided way.
sworn off awkward boys forever. i never never ever will. no more no more no more. heh.
finally have a final design for bridge....though i shouldve been done building by now...ah well its all good.
after many tears and shoutings et cetera parents allowed me to go off to the movies with chris/jen/sandra...only to have the plans changed in a million ways since the movie was sold out and it turns out sandra didnt come so vera and adrian did.
it was fun anyway.
lord of the rings was fantastic and not a second too long (as others have said).
my parents basically said...get friends your own age. we arent letting you hang out with older ones.
blah blah corruption blah blah dont think youre 17 blah different stages blah life blah blah why would they want to hang out with you blah blah.
and so after the movie, jen&co invited me to go...eating or something... i dont remember specifically what, but i asked mi padre and hes like heh heh nice to meet you all NO.
so we drove away in the darkness and argued and here i am. typical.
you see, im in quite a pickle, i can see why they might have an issue, but...ahh. theyre all shipped off to college next year. i dont have TIME to mature. theyll be gone. sometimes i feel like im running out of it. time, i mean.
indeed, things are black and white. no gray for elise, and i feel lopsided. ah man, ive come full circle.
but now i realize who i truly dont care about. which is a nice feeling, untying all the knots. in a way.
vacation comes to a close and after all these adventures and work i shouldnt feel rested but alas i do. and i havent slept a wink.
wild things you can do with chocolate!!
i hate teen magazines.
nonetheless ive been doing much thinking, listened to almost everything i have on vinyl today including my treasured marvin gaye album like 9 times and stared at spaghetti and glue.
i want to write an epic story.
i need to be in a good mood to be epic though. or else it ends up drab.
finished the required reading, finished homework, finished projects, and alas, i cannot go to the MFA/boston with sonia today because of the parents. isnt that sad.
but i did mail her present, finally.
still working up the courage to call. maybe i'll do it in ten minutes. but its so WEIRD. he'll be wondering where i got his number.
sorry. im not usually like this.
moving on- meg's party was nice. we danced around to billy idol and love shack and queen and the bangles, drank massive amounts of sparkling everything and pretended it was alcoholic, ate rum cake, crashed on couches, and spilled our souls to the ambient living room air.
and all of this in pumps and LBD's.
i need to learn to use capitalization. i never do. i think its because microsoft word automatically corrects you. or thats how i write poems. which came first? oh god not another chicken/egg situation.
i got a bunch of photos back, so when i hop skip jump and get to it i'll scan some and the photo album will be more than blatant 8th grade everybodything.
btw...thank you sean. for the wings. :)
(me and emily pass the store across from the school- sign reads "the Olde Thyme Cupboard")
emily: Look!!
elise: what?
emily: THE OLDIE THEME CUBBARD! (entirely seriously)
elise:...
i'll be home soon
my mind just isnt where it is supposed to be, thats all.
lots of work to do. i had my fun.
me and rachel wanted to have an adventure, so we did. we ran off to wellesley and shopped and had a late lunch, got attacked by a cat, had huge ice creams, etc. and a guy in a car made a gesture that rachel took as "call me" but i thought he was just waving his cell phone at us and winking. goes to show you.
and it was the same guy who winked at me in burlington. thats kind of wierd.
i think ive got a stalker of sorts.
nonetheless in the last few days ive spent massive amounts of money on music that i really shouldve spent on a new card for the camera...but hey, whos got jazz albums elise has jazz albums. and about everything else. but some were gifts.
heres still worried about jim though.
and it hit me for the first time ever that....yes i miss summer...but next time its summer, all of the seniors are GONE. for EVER. AND I LOVE THEM!
ahh.
sad.
and now i feel like i'm racing time, to be cliche'd as i always am.
nonetheless i got over 20 rolls of film developed from over the summer...i'll see if any are scanworthy. most are personal ones. (yay sargent pictures! SONIA i have the WELSH CORGIE CLOUD PICTURE...i miss that week.)
moving along... after me and rachel decided we were living in a wonderful acoustic fairy tale cartoon we bought my mom a bundle of fresh sun colored tulips and walked around and brought them to the window of her car, drove home, lied around on the floor, were rememberingful and decided to watch Aladdin and felt happy afterward. We died at 12. and woke up to clouds moving fast in my skylight.
nice to spend time with rachel again.
sorry about babbling on for quite a while now. but here are the recent additions to my cd collection:
stan getz - spring is here
modest mouse - (long title i dont feel like typing)
pixies - trompe le monde
sonic youth - experimental jet set, trash and no star
the folk implosion - dare to be surprised
bob marley & the wailers - hot hot reggae
tim story/ hj roedelius - lunz
apollo sunshine - katonah
nicholas payton - sonic trance
from autumn to ashes - the fiction we live
praful - one day deep
fugazi - furniture
snapcase - designs for automotion
better than ezra - closer
tower of power - ceci n'est pas une dinosaur
astrud gilberto - finest hour
aphex twin - drukqs
beatles - let it be (naked)
but alas, no time to enjoy- someones got to build a bridge out of spaghetti...fun stuff.